Lola Phoenix - The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy

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THE ANXIOUS
PERSONS
GUIDE TO
NON-MONOGAMY

Your Guide to Open Relationships,
Polyamory and Letting Go

LOLA PHOENIX

Foreword by
Kathy G. Slaughter, LCSW

First published in Great Britain in 2022 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

An imprint of Hodder & Stoughton Ltd

An Hachette Company

Copyright Lola Phoenix 2022

Foreword Copyright Kathy G. Slaughter 2022

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Trigger Warning: This book mentions sexual abuse, trauma, anxiety and depression.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library and the Library of Congress

ISBN 978 1 83997 213 3

eISBN 978 1 83997 214 0

Jessica Kingsley Publishers policy is to use papers that are natural, renewable and recyclable products and made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The logging and manufacturing processes are expected to conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Carmelite House

50 Victoria Embankment

London EC4Y 0DZ

www.jkp.com

Years ago, as I began my journey into polyamory and working with polyamorous clients, I found most of the starter books available inadequate. While I loved the inspiration contained in The Ethical Slut , and I believe Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, might be the best beginners manual out there, it was clear to me these books were missing an important perspective.

This perspective was an understanding of trauma, queer identities and disability. Developmental trauma being abused as a child was my first professional specialty. As a clinical social worker, Ive worked with hundreds of people impacted by trauma early in their lives. Im also a childhood trauma survivor myself. And Ive been the anonymous relationship therapist reviewing Lolas work for the past several years.

Now, after years working with polyamorous clients, Ive noticed that jumping into a non-monogamous relationship style can bring old pain and anxiety screaming to the surface. Often my clients worry that theyre not cut out for polyamory because their emotional reactions are so intense. And when I looked at the available resources for support, I understood where this fear came from.

Its also why I so highly value Lola Phoenix and their work. In my early days, when my own insecurities threatened to torpedo my polyamorous ambitions, their posts reflected my experience more accurately than any other polyam advice out there. Lola understood the significance of emotions, the ways they deserve to be honored and how to feel your feelings.

Much of the mainstream polyam advice and the perspectives of many polyam communities that I belong to make emotions seem irrational, irrelevant and barriers to this relationship style. And its true, emotional uproar does impact our interpersonal relationships in ways that can blow a polycule apart. However, treating emotions as a hindrance, personal failing or something that can be discarded is the wrong approach.

I like to think of emotions as embodied thoughts. What we call anger or sadness is our minds attempt to make sense of how the body feels. And in my experience, when we try to avoid hearing what our body wants to tell us, those emotions just get stronger and stronger until we do pause and acknowledge them. When emotions get really intense, it can also increase our sense of urgency that something must be done to make these feelings go away, right now!

And maybe thats true. One of Lolas gifts is understanding how a situation can feel bad because it is bad. One of your partners might genuinely be mistreating you. And sometimes feelings are related to something else from our past, not the way one of our partners is behaving. In order to sort all that out and decide how you want to proceed you must feel the feelings first. Only by becoming acquainted with them can you find the right solution for you.

After recommending Lolas column and podcast for years, I am delighted to have their perspective captured in this book. Jumping into an open relationship can be a bit like jumping off a cliff. You likely spent years thinking about your future romantic relationship before you started dating. And our mono-centric culture offers plenty of resources, role models and ideas about what romantic relationships should look like. When you start practicing non-monogamy, those resources are substantially less. The time youve spent learning and thinking about what type of open relationship you want is less. And so, it can be very difficult to discern whats going on in your new non-mono relationship.

So, we turn to books and others who are practicing this lovestyle for guidance. And the advice you will encounter is all over the place. Youll find folks who insist that all approaches to non-monogamy are equally valid, and youll find folks who insist that a particular style is the only way to go. It can be incredibly hard to find your way and discover what you want and what works for you and your partners.

Lolas book will support you in your path as an individual. Reading their work is like talking to a pragmatic, caring non-judgmental BFF whos been there. Their own experience gives them a unique perspective, and they will give you permission to honor your feelings and your desires. The first section in particular offers guidance on how to turn inside and build your own foundation.

The second section addresses the conflicting and strong opinions youll find in the literature and in polyam communities. Its so beneficial to explore and unpack jealousy from a non-judgmental place, to understand the limits of communities run by volunteers, and to begin to understand how power dynamics can impact you and your chosen family.

The middle section dives deeper into the nitty-gritty of the logistics of being in multiple relationships at once, which I love, because so many polyam basics authors can skip over the emotions that can be revealed when your week needs to include multiple date nights. Google Calendar can keep you sane, but it cant promise nobodys feelings get hurt.

Finally, Lola takes the time to preview some of the emotions youll feel when you actually start doing this thing. Many people I know read all the polyamory material and felt super equipped to start their adventure, and thenrubber meets the road. And its not what they expect. No matter how firmly you intellectually believe non-monogamy is for you, that doesnt guarantee your emotions will be on the same page. Knowing what you may feel will definitely help you the first time youre dealing with your partner falling in love with someone else!