Minx - Eight Things I Wish Id Known About Polyamory

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About

Polyamory

before I tried it and frakked it up

Cunning Minx

Do The Work
SEATTLE, WA

Copyright 2014 by Cunning Minx

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed Attention: Permissions Coordinator, at the address below.

Cunning Minx

Seattle, WA

www.polyweekly.com

Book Layout 2013 BookDesignTemplates.com

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory/ Cunning Minx. 1st ed.

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Contents

Introduction 1

What this book isn't 2

What this book is 3

Who should read this book 3

What you will gain from this book 4

The only "right" way to do polyamory is the way that works for you 6

My first mistake 7

Poly is a custom job 9

Write your user manual 11

Communication is a journey 13

Relationship communication 101 14

An example of emotional ownership 18

Minx's hot communication tips 19

How to argue 20

Make guidelines, not rules 27

Rules don't address the fear 28

Setting guidelines, not rules 33

How to discuss guidelines 36

Partners are human 43

Dealing with change 44

Terrible reasons to try polyamory 46

Great reasons to try polyamory 49

New Relationship Energy is fun 53

You don't have to do it alone 57

Polyamory 101 books 58

Poly memoirs 60

Research-based books 61

Local meetups 62

Poly conferences 68

It starts with YOU 70

Take inventory 70

Why relationships fail 73

Change is good 76

Conclusion 78

Appendix 79

Writing your own user manual 79

Links 82

Acknowledgements

Without my former partners and current podcast, this book would not have been possible. Thanks to Graydancer and his wife for having started this journey with me, to my current partner LustyGuy and his wife Elle for their love and support, and to all listeners of the Poly Weekly podcast who called in, wrote in and shared their trials and joys over the years.

Life rewards those who move in the direction of greatest courage.

FRANKLIN VEAUX

Introduction

H

i! Im Minx, polyamorous kinky submissive, and Ive identified as polyamorous for about 10 years. For my first poly relationship, I had access to very few poly resources, had no poly friends and made every classic poly blunder in the book. I was in my 30s and was about as experienced at poly relationships as a teenager is at handling her first crush.

As the many polys who came before me had already discovered, one's first poly relationship can be extremely disruptive to ones life, psyche and emotional state. As with any healthy relationship, however, the results can be quite rewarding: a sense of loving and being loved, inclusion, balance, happiness, excitement, security and hope. Happily, I have experienced all of those to a greater or lesser extent in most of my relationships.

In battle, they say to always tell the guy who comes after you what killed you. In the first year of my first poly relationship with a wonderful partner and his fiance-then-wife, we hit every relationship land mine in the book. And lacking poly resources and a poly support network to address them, we blindly stumbled clumsily through each one on our own, suffering through endless emotionally draining and highly frustrating discussions. There were sleepless nights, desperate phone calls, dramatic romantic gestures, longing and despair.

The reason I am writing this little ebook is to tell you what killed us. Not what killed the relationship itself; that is all but irrelevant. But rather, this book's goal is to share what could have made that first poly relationship easier on all of us. What could have made it less of a struggle and more of an adventure. What could have reduced the gut-wrenching conflicts and existential relationship angst while providing a level playing field with communication guidelines so that we all could have understood each other as well as the nature of each conflict.

It's true that no two relationships are the same, whether monogamous, non-monogamous or some brand of polyamorous. What works for me might not work for you. However, after a couple of detailed poly relationship autopsies, I can share with you some universal truths that have successfully contributed to establishing healthy, long-term, drama-free relationships. And, I might add, none of these truths are unique to poly relationships; they are for the most part equally applicable to poly-mono and strictly monogamous relationships as well.

What this book isn't

This book isnt a methodical primer on polyamory. You will not find advice on selecting relationship structures; for that, I highly recommend Tristan Taorminos Opening Up. You wont find a historical or biological recounting of non-monogamy in humans and other species; for that, read Christopher Ryans Sex at Dawn and Judith Lipton and David Barashs Myth of Monogamy. It also isnt a philosophical or spiritual explanation of the ideas behind polyamory and loving more; for that, read The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. And while I am kinky and have experienced polyamory within a power dynamic, this book addresses general relationship challenges without specifically delving into power dynamics. For that, read Raven Kalderas Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic.

What this book is

Instead, what this ebook seeks to do is highlight some of the classic relationship land mines that practitioners experience in poly relationships, whether it be the first time or the tenth, and offer tools and solutions to stave off those disastrous phenomena.

Who should read this book

You should read this book if you:

• are PIP (poly in principle) but either you or your partner havent yet experienced falling in love with a new partner while still maintaining your existing relationship
• have made a few attempts at polyamory but were unhappy with the results
• In your first poly relationship now
• have made one or more attempts at a poly relationship and want to give yourself the best chance of success
• do not self-identify as polyamorous and are curious about what to expect in a poly relationship
• have a partner who has suggested polyamory and you have fears or concerns
• have dated, are interested in dating or are currently dating someone(s) in an existing relationship
• self-identify as poly, but your partner self-identifies as monogamous
• have a partner who self-identifies as poly, but you self-identify as monogamous
• are monogamous and looking to improve your relationship skills
• are not currently in a relationship of any kind but are curious about different relationship structures

What you will gain from this book

There is no one right way to do polyamory, but there are plenty of wrong ways, quoth the wise Miss Poly Manners. While no one can tell you exactly how to structure or conduct any relationship, it is my hope that you will use this ebook as a tool for self-exploration and self-discovery. The tips and advice given here are aimed at increasing self-awareness of emotional needs with the goal of creating ongoing, transparent communication. The healthiest relationships are those in which all participants feel free to ask for what they want, hear what others want and conscientiously and compassionately negotiate to fill those wants.