Jess Mahler - Polyamory and Kink

Polyamory and Kink

by Jess Mahler

Dedicated to Dilip Numetor Amalia Chetana Waller.

For helping me see all this with new eyes.

(I warned you not to make me pick your pseudonym :P )

With thanks to:

Raven Kaldera, for doing it first.

My beta readers, Canageek and Daniel Cardoso,

for making this better than it would have been.

My Patrons, for believing in me.

1 Introduction

L ike it says on the front, this is a book about polyamory and kink. More specifically, this is a book about adding kink to your polyamorous relationships. My own background is in polyamory, so that's my focus in this (and most of my other writing). Folks doing other types of consensual nonmonogamy will also find parts of this book useful. As always, take what works, leave what doesn't.

This is not an 'intro to polyamory' book. Im assuming readers have at least a basic working knowledge of what polyamory is and common polyam jargon. It is an 'intro to kink' book. Some folks reading this book will know nothing about kink. Maybe you aren't into kink yourself, but one of your partners is and you don't know what to expect. Maybe you have always wanted to get into kink but worried about how your partner(s) would react.

And some readers are likely kinksters who know WIITWD (What it is that we do) and can explain SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and its merits versus RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) backward and forwards. Let's not get you (or me!) started on the horror that is 50 Shades of Shit, right?

This book will likely be a very different experience depending on what you know about kink. If you are as vanilla as my favorite ice cream, you're about to learn a lot of stuff that may challenge you. If you've been in and around the Scene a few years, you will likely find a lot of the info here same-old, same-old.

In order to make this book a good read for the greatest number of people, I'm putting all the 'what you should know about kink' stuff first. If you know your kink ABCs, you might want to skip some or all of the first section. If you are new to kink, I suggest reading everything and getting comfortable with it before adding kink to your relationships. Squicks are kinda like jealousy in a way. Unrecognized and undealt with they can ruin a relationship. Recognized and dealt with, they can be an occasional annoyance.

What are squicks, you ask?

That's why you need to keep reading. ;-)

1.1 Note on Terminology (For Everyone)

,

I'm going to try to define new terms as I introduce them, but there are a couple terms I want to introduce right away to head off any possible confusion. See, I'm using these terms a bit differently than usual in the Scene.

A top takes the active role in a scene.

Someone who's verse will sometimes top and sometimes bottom.

A bottom takes the passive role in the scene.

A dom likes to be in control.

A switch sometimes likes to be in control and sometimes likes to be controlled.

A sub likes to be controlled.

Most people in the Scene will generally agree with these definitions. BUT! will still use these words in a way that doesn't line up with the definitions. For instance, the default assumption in much of the Scene is that giving oral sex (often an active thing) is bottoming.

Similarly, many people conflate different roles. For instance, a top is assumed to be a dom and vice versa, or a sub is assumed to be a bottom.

Again, more on this later.

But if you are familiar with the Scene and my use of 'top' and 'bottom' seem odd, refer to these definitions.

Credit to CowhideMan, a true Old Guard, both in kink and leather, on Fetlife for suggesting 'verse' many years ago. 'Verse' is used among gay men for a man who likes to top and bottom sexually. CowhideMan proposed it for use in BDSM because folks tend to use 'switch' to refer to both someone who likes to top and bottom and someone who likes to control and be controlled. The confusion that caused was getting annoying to a lot of us in that particular Fet forum. As far as I know, his suggestion never gained much traction, but I'm using it, damnit!

1.2 Shout Out

I want to give a shout-out to Power Circuits by Raven Kaldera. Power Circuits was the first book about polyamory and kink and is well worth checking out if you are into power exchange. Power Circuits focuses specifically on D/s and especially M/s relationships. Its written for people with experience in D/s or M/s relationships who want to explore polyamory. If that is you, you may find Power Circuits very helpful in your explorations.

1.3 Who am I and Why am I Writing This Book?

My name, as it says on the cover, is Jess Mahler. I'm best known for my old polyamory blog, Polyamory on Purpose. These guides grew out of that blog. I've been 'doing' ethical nonmonogamy for nearly 20 years and polyamory for over 15 years. My first few nonmonogamous relationships are what we might euphemistically call 'learning experiences.' But with the help of folks like The Polyamorous Misanthrope and Fetlife's P&K group, I figured out what I was doing.

'P&K' by the way, stands for 'Polyamorous and Kinky.' I started experimenting with kink the same year I had my first experience with nonmonogamy. So I've actually got more experience with kink than with polyamory.

In polyamory, I lean towards group, communal relationships with high levels of entwinement. What I think of as the 'core' of my current polycule had plans underway to be living together within the next five years. In kink, I'm a dominant, top, bottom, masochist, sadist, rigger and rope slut. The only 'standard' kink identity I don't claim is submissive. I have submitted in the past but learned it hits some old trauma and puts me in a bad headspace. Plus I prefer being in charge. So I don't do it now. (If you are new to kink vocabulary, don't worry. I'll explain it all.)

So, I've lived at the intersection of polyamory and kink for nearly 2 decades now.

Like all the Polyamory on Purpose guides, I'm writing Polyamory & Kink because it's needed. The Venn diagram of polyamorous folks and kinky folks has a strong overlap. But there isn't much discussion about how that overlap works or how to navigate it. If you aren't familiar with that overlap, some aspects of kink, D/s in particular, can seem antithetical to polyamory.

So that's one reason and the main one. But the other reason is that unlike the other Polyamory on Purpose guides, I've actually had people ask for this one. So... that's who I am, why I'm writing this book, and why I think I have enough knowledge to write this book. That hits the high points, right?

Let's get to it.

1.4 Something in This Book Will Squick You

Everyone exploring kink for the first time should know two important terms:

1. Squick

2. YKINMK

Squick is a verb for feeling disturbed by something as well as a noun for something that disturbs you. It describes the reaction to a kink that you cant understand anyone doing.

For instance, scat play squicks me. My initial reaction every time I hear about scat play is Ugh! Why? Scat play is one of my squicks.

YKINMK stands for Your kink is not my kink. Scat play is not my kink. The thought of it is about the biggest turn off imaginable. But if its your kink, thats okay. I dont need to like every kink. I dont even need to understand every kink.