Tucker Shaw - The I Hate Kale Cookbook

CONTENTS

There are just so many reasons to hate kale.

What to look for, what to run from.

Storing, washing, and preparing kale.

To get the most out of kale, especially raw kale, try these.

Boring but important stuff you should know.

Breakfast recipes (OK, really just a bunch of smoothies).

Easy lunches for home or office.

Snacks to soak up the booze.

Main dishes.

Small dishes to bolster your meal.

Why hate kale?

1 Its an upstart. Sure, its been around for centuries, but its apogee until just recently was as an ice cover on casino salad bars. Who invited this not-so-pretty decorative green to the table?

2 Its painfully hip, and hipness is nothing if not hateable. Actually, by the time I finished writing that sentence, it progressed to post-hip, which means its not even worth hipsters hate now.

3 Its really hard to chew.

4 Its healthy, which isnt exactly hateful in itself, but isnt really what you want at a party.

5 For 99.999 percent of human history, kale dishes have tasted awful.

I could go on.

But I wont go on. Because heres the thing: If you can get past the hate, youll figure out that kales worth eating. I know from experience, because I spent a lot of time hating kale, too. And then I changed my mind, because kale is actually great.

Not just because its good for you, but because it tastes goodrich, verdant, nutty, and almost (dare I say it?) meaty. You can do pretty much anything to it: Roast it, grill it, microwave it, saut it, boil it, braise it, eat it rawand, unlike most other vegetables (Im looking at you, spinach, and the way you wither at the merest suggestion of heat), kale will thank you and ask for more.

Before I wax too enthusiastically, know this: I get it. Kale is not bacon. Youll never get people cheering for it at cook-offs, or trying to sell thirty-dollar kale-flavored martinis in Vegas bars, or posting Instagram shots of a kale-wrapped meatloaf in the shape of the Statue of Liberty.

But kale has its own charms. For one thing, its cheap. If you pay more than a few bucks for a big fat bunch of kale, youre probably buying it at some wildly over-priced market. You should walk down the street to the Pick n Save (or Piggly Wiggly or Stop & Shop or Ralphs or King Soopers or whatever). Youll find kale galore for not a lot of cash.

For another thing, its really easy to cook and really hard to screw up. Kale is sturdy and forgiving, and will accept whatever you throw at it. Olive oil? Yup. Butter? Oh yes. Hot sauce? Cheese? Steak? Fruit? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. You can have your way with kale, and all it will do is come back to you and ask for more.

Dont believe me? I understand. But give it a whirl. After all, youve got nothing to lose. Well, almost nothing. Just a couple of bucks and a little bit of time. And hey, if it doesnt work out, order in a pizza and send me the bill. *

* Just kidding. Dont do that.

It should go without saying, but Ill say it anyway: No matter what variety youre after, the best kale is the kale you find at a local farmers market, or, even better, in your own garden. Youre probably more likely to find different varieties of kale this way, too.

However, you wont have any trouble finding kale at the supermarket, and all the recipes in this book are optimized for supermarket kale. I wont send you out looking for some obscure variety of Azerbaijani kale that can only be found at a souk. Kale is happiest when its not too hot, and it likes a spritz of moisture every now and then, so look for kale thats under one of those misters at the store. Also, the more kale the store sells, the more likely it is fresh, so find a store with a high produce turnover.

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Kale doesnt freeze as well as some other vegetables, like spinach, so skip the frozen kale in favor of fresh (except in smoothies; see ).

There are literally dozens of kinds of edible kale, but most of them only grow in remote villages in inaccessible mountain valleys. For all intents and purposes, there are two kinds of kale that are widely available in supermarkets:

Curly kale (also usually just called kale)

Curly kale is the most widely available and most versatile variety of kale. Its sold in big bunches of big leaves with thick stems and broad but very curly leaves. Deep green colors are best, maybe with flecks of purple or black. Pale-colored kale with streaks and small bits of yellow are still fine for some dishes (like soups and braises), but, in general, it wont have as much flavor or oomph. If its mostly yellow or brownish, walk away.

Curly kale has a distinct if relatively mild flavor. It doesnt provide as much sharpness as mustard greens or as much meatiness as collards; instead, youll find an inherent nutty, woodsy, savory flavor. For lack of a better word, it also tastes healthy: vegetal, minerally, and rich.

In general, bigger (i.e., older) leaves will have a bit more bitterness in flavor. Some people like this, some people dont. If youre a bitter-lover (like me), pick the most richly colored leaves and dont shy away from the big ones. If you prefer a milder flavor and a more tender chew, look for smaller, younger, less curly leaves.

Make sure the leaves have some heft and feel supple. If you encounter wilty, soft, or slimy leaves, or if you find stalks that are especially dried out or shredded at the bottom, bail.

Lacinato kale (also called Tuscan or dinosaur kale)

Lacinato kale leaves are much darker than curly kale, and the leaves are more oblong and regularly shaped, with fewer curls and ridges. The long, green-black, shiny leaves are puckered and wrinkled, with a distinct center stem, usually a much lighter green, right down the center. As with curly kale, the larger Lacinato leaves have a more aggressive flavor and sturdier structure than the smaller ones.

Lacinato kale, which has a nuttier, more complex flavor than curly kale, tends to be more expensive. Part of this is because its usually sold in more-expensive shops, but also because its considered fancier. The deep green leaves take on a jewel-like luster when cooked, making them popular in snazzy restaurants. Their price reflects the high-end demand for them. Youre also likely to find Lacinato kale in smaller bunches than curly kalewhile the bunches may have the same number of stalks, Lacinatos flatter profile just makes the bunches look smaller.

Other types of kale

You may find yourself facing down a bunch of Red Russian kale, too, with its purplish stems and green leaves. It can pretty easily be swapped in for curly kale. Its flavor is just a bit more mild, but if its cooked and doctored up with some flavors and seasonings, youll never notice. Other varieties, like Redbor or Siberian kale, sometimes find their way into markets, and theyre worth a try, too.