Lois Rabey - Lessons for the Living from the Dying

Its not your job to change or fix her. Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she does change, love what she becomes, whether its what you wanted or not.

Theres an old joke that goes A woman gets married hoping her man will change and he doesnt. A man gets married hoping his woman wont change and she does.

Theres a lot of truth behind the humor.

The masculine energy is about stability, predictability, and order. The feminine energy is about growth, change, and expansion.

This can be beautiful and complimentary in a relationship, but honestly, most of the time it just causes frustration. The woman is constantly nagging the man hoping hell change, and the man is constantly trying to control the woman.

Im going to go out on a limb right now, and state the obvious: There are things you dont like about your spouse that you wish you could change.

Heres the reality: You cant change anyone but yourself... and its not your job to.

No one wants to be fixed, and the attempt to do so will only cause frustration, pain, and bitterness.

When someone is the nagging wife or the controlling husband, it only creates resentment in both parties.

So listen up:

Women: You are not his mother.

Men: She is not your property.

Your happiness will be determined by how much you can appreciate what you have right now and not focusing on what you lack or are dissatisfied with. Let your spouse be independent and responsible for themselves. Its not your job to force them to fit your ideal.

This isnt to say that you cant help them grow and improve. As a team your goal IS to help each other be the best you can be. You should encourage each other and cheer each other on as you both grow and become better. And there should be space in a healthy relationship to offer and receive feedback from each other on how you can improve. If either spouse is acting in a way that is destructive to the relationship, you should be able to find a way to work together to fix those challenges before it becomes more of a problem.

You are both constantly evolving and growing, and the only way for your relationship to thrive is to support each other in a positive way.

Criticism and control will never get you the result you are looking for. When a wife speaks in a way that feels critical to her man, it is his Anti-love Language, and it will cause him to feel unloved and unappreciated.

Heres a common example:

John comes home from work, stressed and preoccupied with work.

Jane, his wife, is exhausted after a day of caring for the many needs of their kids. Despite her weariness, shes prepared a nice dinner for the family.

John isnt very present during the meal, because his mind is still stuck on work and the things he needs to get done. Because of his mental absence, Jane feels disconnected, frustrated, and unappreciated.

After dinner, wanting to help somehow, John starts doing the dishes and empties the dishwasher, even though his mind is still distracted. Jane notices that he has put the measuring cups in by the glasses instead of where they should be.

Frustrated, she snaps, Why did you put these here? This isnt where they go. How long have you lived here? Feeling hurt and offended, John walks off to go to his office, and they spend the rest of the night in an awkward silence.

A mans primary need in the relationship is to berespected.

He wants to be the hero that is there to provide, protect, and fix things for his woman. But when she expresses her dissatisfaction with his effort, he hears You are a failure. You cant make me happy. Nothing you do is good enough for me.

The natural response for a man in such situations is to either fight back and defend himself, or shut down. He may feel something like