Gail Vaz-Oxlade - Money Talks: When to Say Yes and How to Say No

Debt-Free Forever

Take Control of Your Money and Your Life

Never Too Late

Take Control of Your Retirement and Your Future

Its Your Money

Becoming a Woman of Independent Means

Money-Smart Kids

Teach Your Children Financial Confidence and Control

Money Rules

Rule Your Money or Your Money Will Rule You

Saving for School

Understand RESPs, Take Control of Your Savings, Minimize Student Debt

To Alex and Malcolm, who have taught me so much about being a better me.

Why are we so unwilling to talk about money? Its part of our everyday lives and yet, despite its ever-presence, most discussions about money manage to keep the real issues at arms length. Experts are happy to share how to make more, how to save on taxes, how the economy is doing. But when it comes to real money talksto the nitty-gritty of telling the truth about money and behaviour and how they intersectpersonal money matters seem too private to discuss. Witness all the money makeovers where participants are pictured holding something in front of their faces. Theyll only cough up the deets if you cant tell who they are.

Have you ever bailed out someone you love? Yknow, Sure, Ill lend you... or Never mind, you can get the bill next time. Did you think to yourselfor say to someone elseGeez, shes just terrible with money. I wish shed get her act together?

People will moan about bailing someone out, but they wont hold said someone accountable. Its so easy to just throw some money at the problem. But you know what? Its the easy that keeps the problem rooted. And its the easy that keeps you on the hook.

The idea that money is the leading cause of problems in relationships is routinely repeated in the media. More than sex, more than children or in-laws, money is cited as the most common area of conflict.

Its not the money. Nope. Its not.

Money is a medium of exchange, thats all. Its what we use to complete our transactions. So money isnt the problem.

We are the problem. How we behavewhat we do with our money and how we communicate about that behaviouris at the root of most of the challenges we face with, and blame on, money.

There are people who want to maintain power over others. There are people who want to be in control. There are people who are willing to use guilt to get what they want. And there are people who do not want to take responsibility for their own lives. All thisand so much moreis reflected in what we do with our money.

We can use money to demonstrate affection. We can use money to exhibit pride. We can use money as a measure of success or failure. We can blame our lack of money for what we have not achieved. We can look at others abundance and be jealous of what they have. But the problem isnt the money. Money isnt at the root of whatever it is thats gone wrong or right, no matter how often we may say it is. Our unwillingness to tell the truth, to really communicate how we feelthats the problem.

So whats the solution?

It isnt easy. And it isnt comfortable. But the only way money will stop being a problem for most of us is if we start talking about itand talking about it honestly.

When your best friend hits you up for cash and you dont want to give it to them, you cant lie, make some pathetic excuse, or worse, simply hand over the money. You have to tell them the truth. You have to talk about why you wont lend to them. Or if you choose to lend, you have to talk about what your expectations are for repayment.

When your parents say things like, Im counting on you in my old age, you cant just nod, smile, and go home thinking, Now what am I going to do? You have to talk about it with them. You have to explain why thats not going to work for you. Or, if youre able to help them, what youll each need to do to make it work.

When your children say, Can you buy me... you cant respond with the rote Do you think Im made of money? or Money doesnt grow on trees! You have to use those requests as opportunities to talk about money: how you get it, how you prioritize spending, and how to make it work hard for you. Pat answers teach diddly-squat. Really talking about money means engaging, being truthful, and constantly reinforcing that money is simply a tool.

I know how hard it is to talk about money. Believe me, I know. And thats why Ive written this book.

As Ive worked with people on television and spoken with people from coast to coast, its become clear to me that the common sense that should be applied to money is often derailed by an emotional twist. Its hard to deal with the disappointment of our loved ones. Its hard to watch friends struggle financially and not acquiesce to their requests for help. Its hard to stay true to our own goals when there are so many demands being put on our wallets.

Sometimes we are unwilling to face our reality. We choose to believe that bad things wont happen to us and so we dont take the appropriate precautions. We dont want to know what were spending and where because that would mean facing up to the fact that we cant just whip out our wallets and buy a round if the rent is due. We dont want to appear poor or as though we have less than our peer group, so we spend money we dont have to buy things we really dont need.

People ask and we say yes. Of course Ill lend you some money until Friday. Or Im not such a jerk that Id let my sister get evicted from her apartment because she spent her rent money on other stuff. Or Sure, boss, Ill let you defer paying me because, really, I need this job more than you need me.

We dont want to say no to friends and family or to co-workers (really, another collection for a gift?) or to bosses, so we say yes. And then we quietly kick ourselves and deal with the consequences of not being able to come up with the language we need to make our values and what we really want to say clear to others.

It can be hard to come up with the words to bridge into a money talk. Jumping in without thinking through what youll say might leave you struggling to find the right words to express what youre thinking and feeling. Almost no one has the ability to say the right thing without giving it a little forethought. Since no one talks about money, we have no models on which to base our own forays into these conversations.

Money Talks models many of the conversations you wish you could have with your mate, mother, best friend, or son. In dozens of scenarios, in which you may recognize yourself or someone you love, are ideas for how you can deal respectfully and lovingly with whoever it is thats asking you for financial help. And I give you some guidance on when to say yes and how to say no.

Do you have a bully in your life? Wish your brother would grow the hell up and stop counting on you to save his ass? Want to tell your BFF that dreaming is only the first step in making a better life? I get hundreds of letters every year from people who cant figure out how to get their sister off their couch, their mother to stop hitting them up for money, or their mate to recognize that saving is part of having a solid financial foundation. The letters common theme is Gail, how do I get through to them?

So thats what this book is all about: how to tell your mate, your father, your best friend, or your grandmother that its time for a change. Its about helping you see your own situation through stories that reflect what you may be experiencing. Its about empowering you with the language to negotiate effectively. And its about showing you that for each problem there are steps you can take and words you can use to come to a solution.