Vanessa Van Petten - Do I Get My Allowance Before or After Im Grounded?: Stop Fighting, Start Talking, and Get to Know Your Teen

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Table of Contents

A PLUME BOOK

DO I GET MY ALLOWANCE BEFORE OR AFTER IM GROUNDED?

VANESSA VAN PETTEN is a youthologist and the founder of RadicalParenting.com, a blog written by Vanessa and one hundred teen contributors that won the Moms Choice Award in 2009. In addition to writing for her site, Vanessa pens columns online for CNN, Partnership for a Drug-Free America, Brazen Careerist, and Mom Logic. Named one of the Top 100 Women Bloggers to Watch by Womens Business Week, Vanessa has appeared on The Doctors, CNN, CBS News, and ABC News Now, as well as in the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, Good Housekeeping, Teen Vogue, and Businessweek.

Praise for
Do I Get My AllowanceBeforeorAfterIm Grounded?

Not yet a parent, not far out of her teens, Vanessa Van Petten offers simple, commonsense advice with a healthy dose of respect for both ends of the generation gap: Heres a girl who knows that parenting isnt about friending your kids on Facebook... its about guiding them with some old-school face time.

Philip Van Munching, author of Boys Will Put You
on a Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt):
A Dads Advice for Daughters

[Van Petten] parents a candid view of the contemporary teens world in this eye-opening text. Like a crafty spy, Van Petten comfortably segues from parent to teen perspective, and while noting that each adolescent is unique, she skillfully opens doors to the collective teen psyche.

Publishers Weekly

Vanessa has been called many things, from a parenting expert to a youthologist, which all fit the bill. But more important, her writing feels like a friend over your shoulder filled with helpful advice and actual action steps. Highly recommended.

David Siteman Garland, creator/host
of the number-one Internet talk show The Rise to the Top

Vanessas unique approach blasts the bejeepers out of the misperceptions, off-base judgments, and unnecessary fears that undermine parent-teen relationships. Parents and teens need to read thisagain and again.

Sue Blaney, author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster!
How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride

Praise for Vanessa Van Petten

Shes young, hip, and knows whats going on.

Lynne Curtin, Real Housewives of Orange County

This book is dedicated to Scott Edwards.
You encourage me, you love me, and you inspire me.

Introduction

Im a teenage accomplice, fighting to balance both sides of the parent and teen struggle. I can tell you what happens to teens faces when they lie to their parents: their eyes widen, their brows pinch together, and the sides of their mouths turn downward. I can also tell teens how to know whether their parent is making rules out of love or out of fear.

But as often as I catch and decipher hidden emotions, I also help both sides get what they wantat home, at school, and in life. I have negotiated for teens to get more allowance, bargained for more freedom, and convinced a parent or two to back off. At the same time, I also help parents get what they want: honesty, connection, communication, and household calm. I have commandeered pantry cleanouts, dissected arguments, and searched sock drawers.

I am not a therapist, a doctor, or a counselor. I am not a parent or a fellow judgmental teen, but I am young enough to get kids to open up and old enough to be a translator for parentsconveying and deciphering the true intent behind harsh words or actions. These are often hidden in micro facial expressions, gestures, and tones. I expose parents to a different, perhaps more vulnerable side of their child, so they can see the emotional intent behind a curse or verbal assault and then find the answer to address it. The confessions in this book range from scandalous to inspirational to funny, and they come in the form of parent worries, teen diary entries, kids bucket lists, scientific research studies, and e-mail rants.

Thats not to say that I dont often have to convince teenagers I am not picking sides when I translate their emotions for parents. One particularly angry seventeen-year-old boy shouted, You are ratting us out! after one of my events. I had just shown four hundred parents how kids sneak around parental control software. He was maduntil I showed him the slide entitled Why You Should Give Your Kid a Later Curfew.

About Me and My Work

When I was a teenager, alcohol made me sleepy, sex made me nervous, and smoking pot scared me. Therefore I decided the best way to rebel against my parents was to write a book exposing them. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), as I started interviewing other teens about their own parents, I realized mine were not so terrible after all. In fact, I began to recognize my parents were pretty decent; they were just severely misinformed. I saw them reading parenting books that told them to say and do the exact things that drove me crazyand pushed me further away from having a strong relationship with them.

Soon I realized that there were thousands of resources for parents written by and for adults, but none from the teen perspective! From a cramped desk at Emory University and using a lot of babysitting money, I decided to launch the first teenwritten parenting resource, RadicalParenting.com. The blog explodedmostly because parents were dying to read the teen confessions, interview transcripts, and secrets I had gathered from teens all over the world. After graduating from college, I dedicated all my time to answering the hundreds of e-mails, instant messages, and video chats I received daily from distressed teens and parents.

My blog, e-mail in-box, and answering machine became a collective mecca for troubled, distressed, and lonely families, and I learned to pick up on the emotional cues of teenagers. I started speaking around the country and hired teenage writers to write their own parenting adviceas anonymous exposers of the teen world. Since I am no longer a teen, I have no problem giving away secretslike vodka eye shots or teen biting trendsbecause I know that in opening the lines of communication, teens stay safe and will have better relationships with their parents in the long run. Yet I still listen to the same music, play FarmVille on Facebook, and shop in the same stores, so I can relate and connect with teens on the issues they are dealing withbecause they are my issues, too! I am also not a parent, and I believe this lets me take a step back and see problems and patterns from a different viewpoint.

Why This Book IsSuperDifferent

Some of the advice you read in this book you may not like. Parents might find the advice I give both atypical and counterintuitive, but it is useful and current. Todays teens are dealing with the same life issues as previous generationsflirting, homework, and careersin completely different ways, from Facebook e-flirting to wiki study guides. My goal is not only to highlight current teen trends and the most cutting-edge research on youth, but also to point out patterns and vicious circles I am sure you experience every day but havent quite figured out how to fix.

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