Darby Fox - Rethinking Your Teenager: Shifting from Control and Conflict to Structure and Nurture to Raise Accountable Young Adults

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Fox, Darby, 1961 author.

Title: Rethinking your teenager : shifting from control and conflict to

structure and nurture to raise accountable young adults / by Darby Fox.

Description: NewYork, NY : Oxford University Press, [2020] |

Includes bibliographical references and index. |

Description based on print version record and CIP data provided by publisher; resource not viewed.

Identifiers: LCCN 2019009724 (print) | LCCN 2019011997 (ebook) |

ISBN 9780190054526 (updf) | ISBN 9780190054533 (epub) |

ISBN 9780190054519 (pbk. : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Parent and teenager. | Adolescence. | Parenting.

Classification: LCC HQ799.15 (ebook) | LCC HQ799.15.F679 2020 (print) |

DDC 306.874dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019009724

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I remember reading The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran many years ago, and, like so many others, being deeply moved by its message of how to live with greater consciousness in all areas of life. Perhaps the best and most well-known part of Gibrans work is his brief but powerful insight on parenting. In a short poem titled, On Children, and in just 10 sentences, he gives the most profound advice on raising children Ive ever come to know.

In his precise exposition, Gibran emphasizes the spiritual sovereignty of children. As he sees it, they are brand-new, shining souls entering this world with the express purpose of realizing their greatest potential through self-actualization, by becoming exactly the persons they were meant to benot who wed prefer them to be. In this light, while children may come through us into this world, they do not belong to us in a literal sense. They have come into this existence to move the world forward through their divinely ordained paths of personal development. Evolution of this nature is only concerned with what is new, the potential for change and growthnever with what already exists, and certainly not with what has been. Therefore, children are on a divine mission, playing a central role in helping humanity advance to greater levels of consciousness. It is thus not our duty nor is it our right to seek to make them like us, to replicate what has already been. To do so would not only impede their purpose and ability to evolve humanity in the unique way each child was destined to do, but also reinforce our own insecurity and worldview by making our children into clones of their parents.

Raising children is difficult. No one has all the answers, and we all make mistakes. What I do know for sure is that our job is not to turn our children into miniature versions of ourselves. Any children who think exactly the way their parents do about every issue lack the discernment to make up their own minds about almost anything. How can that be good for our children or the world? If we can provide safety and guidance while allowing our children to create their own human experience in a way that transforms them into productive and loving members of society, then we will have done our job.

As a parent, Ive always intuitively known Gibrans timeless advice about raising children to be true. As a physician, however, Ive been waiting many years for someone to confirm this reality in scientific terms. Fortunately (and finally), Darby Fox has done exactly that with her insightful work, which reconciles both the practical and spiritual aspects of what it means to be a parent in the 21st century. She provides us with a linguistic abstraction that clarifies the most difficult aspects of parenting and how to engage them in a way that is both inspiring and easy to understand. Her interventions emphasize maximizing connection with children, while minimizing the potential for unnecessary conflict.

When were conscious of our true purpose as parents and focused on creating connection instead of winning a conflict, we can act from a position of authority instead of superiority over our children. Authority allows us to provide guidance through wisdom. Superiority hands out orders from ego. Authority is accommodating and objective. Superiority is about winning power struggles. Authority supports connection. Superiority creates competition. With this as the central tenet of parentchild interaction, Darby helps us keep our parenting approach grounded in the greater principles of Gibrans philosophy.

At the same time, Darby also keeps us ever mindful of perhaps the second most important aspect of parenting, of which most of us are either unaware or take for granted, and which even Gibran does not mention. In the process of becoming a better parent, our children are teaching us as much about ourselves as were teaching them about the world. To grow, we have to be willing to be their students, too.