Dave Stone - How to Raise Selfless Kids in a Self-Centered World

2012 by Dave Stone

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Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Scripture quotations marked NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois, 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

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ISBN: 978-1-4003-1873-5

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Dedication

To Mom and Dad,

Individually and collectively you have
blessed my life immeasurably.

As parents youve modeled well the qualities
taught in this book: servanthood, generosity,
forgiveness, character, prayer, encouraging
the less fortunate, and loving your enemies.
Your constant focus on others is inspiring.

Thanks for raising me by the Book.

A very grateful son,

Dave

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

B ooks take on a life of their own. The name on the front cover is simply an individual representation of a slew of others who have toiled to see the project completed.

Topping my list is a very patient and prayerful wife who has put up with a distracted husband for a few months. Thanks, Beth, for the way you honor others and for being my number one encourager!

Thanks to our kids, Savannah, Sadie, Sam, and son-in-law Patrick, who have graciously allowed me to share both highlights and lowlights from their childhoods.

These chapters have been sharpened and read by a team of great parents:

Sara Burke, Tish Cordrey, Lance and Kisa Hoeltke, Shannon Bramer, Jill Turner, Carl and Lindsay Kuhl, Nicole Smith, and Mary Cummins. Your insights were invaluable.

Thanks to the dozens of parents who were kind enough to fill out surveys and allowed me to glean from their parenting habits and ideas. Penny Stokes, thank you for being a gifted teammate and coach. Thanks to Cary Meyer, Tommy Dunn, and Ben Cross for your great help throughout this project.

Thanks to the Thomas Nelson team for believing in the Faithful Families series. Laura Minchew, Lisa Stilwell, Jack Countryman, Jennifer Deshler, Mike Aulisio, Amy Kerr, Katie Powell, and Jordie Deshlerthanks for your ongoing encouragement and friendship.

Be devoted to one another in love.

ROMANS 12:10

M att Emmons was one shot away from claiming victory in the 2004 Olympics.

It was the 50-meter three-position rifle event. He didnt even need a bulls-eye to win. He just needed to hit the target. A slam dunk. A piece of cake. An expert marksman like Emmons could do it blindfolded, with one hand tied behind his back.

His shot should have scored an 8.1, more than enough for a gold medal. But in what was described as an extremely rare mistake in elite competition, Emmons fired at the wrong target. Standing in lane two, he fired at the target in lane three.

His score for a good shot at the wrong target? Zero. Zilch. Nada. Instead of a medal, Emmons ended up with an eighth-place finish and a permanent position on the list of The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Olympic Moments.

It doesnt matter how accurate you are if youre aiming at the wrong goal.

Keeping Your Eye on the Target

N o parent leaves the maternity wing with the stated goal of raising that little bundle of joy to become a self-absorbed, spoiled brat who is oblivious to the needs of others. But even well-intentioned parents can lose their focus, and when they do, it affects their aim.

Its easy to let our focus be drawn away, to get caught up in the details and stresses of life, to give up or give in. We dont mean to let this happen any more than Matt Emmons intentionally shot at the wrong target. It just happens when we get distracted, when were not paying attention, when we run out of time and energy and intentionality. When too many demands clamor for our attention.

We lose sight of the mark. We hit the wrong target. And we lose a whole lot more than a gold medal and a place in sports history.

If you want to hit the right target, you have to know what youre aiming at.

That sounds pretty simple, doesnt it?

It is simple. But its not popular. Its not the way of modern American society. Its not even the way most Christians live in the world. The target is not success or happiness or financial security or personal fulfillment. Its not adulation or appreciation or applause. Its nothing moreand nothing lessthan living out the example that Jesus gave us.

The target is raising children who are others-oriented.

And I assure you that you wont hit this goal by accident.

Husband, dad, and pastor Craig Groeschel says, If you dont want your family to turn out like every other family, then you will need to raise them differently than everyone else. In other words, dont expect this to be easy. If you always do what youve always done, then youll always get what youve always got.

Being others-oriented is about as countercultural as it gets. Self-centeredness is so prevalent in our world that we dont even recognize it anymore. We are a society of the entitled; we think we deserve whatever we haveand then some. It was true in Jesus day, and its still true in our own time: what matters most in this world are money, power, and self-exaltation.

How did we become such a spoiled, self-absorbed, entitled people? Well, think about it. We want the best of everythingthe best house, the best car, the best job. If we cant afford it, we charge it because, after all, we deserve it.

Even if we havent lived that way ourselves, its all too easy to fall into the trap once we become parents. We treat our children as if they are the center of the universe. We want to give them everything we hadand more.

Before Children (BC), we all subscribed to the belief that we wouldnt call attention to the amazing feats of our offspring. But that vow goes out the window as soon as Junior smiles, rolls over, passes gas, or takes his first step. The universe screeches to a halt while two-year-old Amy spells her last name; everyone waits with unbridled anticipation to hear Jimmy burp his way through the alphabet. All eyes and ears turn to the precious, precocious offspring; friends and family take note and feign amazement.

While its doubtful that any of these earth-shattering skills will appear on future rsums or win anyone a slot on