Catharine Dowda - Invisible Scars: How to Stop, Change or End Psychological Abuse

INVISIBLE SCARS

How to Stop, Change or End
Psychological Abuse

by Catharine Dowda, M.Ed., LPC

New Horizon Press
Far Hills, NJ

Copyright 2009 by Catharine Dowda

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission should be addressed to:

New Horizon Press

P.O. Box 669

Far Hills, NJ 07931

Catharine Dowda

Invisible Scars: How to Stop, Change or End Psychological Abuse

Cover design: Wendy Bass

Interior design: Susan Sanderson

Library of Congress Control Number: 2008938369

ISBN-13: 978-0-88282-421-5

New Horizon Press

Manufactured in the U.S.A.

20132012201120102009/54321

For
Amanda and Rebecca
Ashley and Brian

In memory of:
My father, William,
and
In tribute to his namesake:
My exquisite grandson, Dixon

May you grow to live and love
with the kindness, thoughtfulness and enthusiasm
of your great-grandfather

This book is based on research, a thorough study of the available literature and experience in counseling patients, as well as my clients own real life experiences. Fictitious identities and names have been given to all characters in this book in order to protect individual privacy and some characters are composites. For the purposes of simplifying usage, the pronouns his/her and s/he are sometimes used interchangeably.

The information contained herein is not meant to be a substitute for professional evaluation and therapy.

PART I:
WHATS PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE ALL ABOUT?

PART II:
WHY WE STAY

PART III:
WHY WE LEAVE

PART IV:
HOW DO I DECIDE?

In 1976, I moved to Greensboro, North Carolina, with my one-year-old daughter in order for my husband to take a new job. I wanted to get involved in the community and make use of my Sociology degree. There, a group of people advertised a meeting for anyone interested in providing services for battered women. I attended on that evening and, as everybody introduced themselves, I said I was just a volunteer. The wise woman leading the meeting said, There is no such thing as just a volunteer. Little did I know that at that moment, I was headed down a life-long career path.

Grassroots services began in our community with many individuals and agencies becoming involved. A small group of us was trained to take calls from a crisis line that operated 24/7. Emergency housing was funded with donations. Eventually, we had our first shelter, and I began recruiting volunteers and organizing their training.

One of the groups that became involved in supporting the needed services was the Junior League of Greensboro. I became a member of the league and served as the project advocate and a member of the advisory committee for the group, which called itself Turning Point. I also served on the leagues public affairs committee, where I was sent for excellent training in lobbying in my hometown of Washington, D.C. We did lobby for improved laws and funding for victims of domestic violence on state and national levels.

In 1983, I was employed by Family and Childrens Service, where the Turning Point group had found a home. In 1985, Family and Childrens Service was able to place me in the Criminal Investigation Division of the Greensboro Police Department to work as a Victim Advocate with victims of any serious personal crime. This included rape, robbery, child abuse, serious assaults and families of homicide victims. The detectives in the division were given no orders that they had to work with me. It was up to me to make my way and, needless to say, they were very skeptical of do-gooders. It took one detective a year and a half to allow me to work with him. When he did, he walked up to me and said, Im seeing a rape victim tonight at 7:30. If you want to come, be at the seafood place on Battleground Avenue by 7:15. If you arent there, I wont wait. Believe me, I was there plenty early and from that point on, he allowed me to work with him and we became friends.

I received extensive training from the National Organization of Victim Assistance. I spent six years in the police department and it was an amazing experience. I am forever grateful to the officers and victims who allowed me to assist them. I went to crime scenes, the hospital, victims homes and through court proceedings. I did crisis counseling, victim assistance and provided support during hearings and trials. I even went to an autopsy in Chapel Hill, although that may have been the detectives testing me, to see if I could handle it. I saw firsthand the worst things imaginable that people could ever do to each other, which continues to be valuable, because there is very little that I now see or hear that surprises or throws me. I am truly thankful to the men and women of the Greensboro Police and Guilford County Sherriffs Department for giving me their confidence and support. In addition to learning to love country music, I learned that solving crimes and helping victims is rewarding, difficult work and, if you are going to survive, youd better have a sense of humor. It was one of the hundreds of life lessons Ive learned.

In 1992, I completed my masters degree and started a private practice. I knew I couldnt keep up the pace of crisis work that included going out to any place in the city, often in the middle of the night. I also knew I wanted to work with people in a calmer setting doing more in-depth counseling. I see adolescents and adults, individually or for couples counseling. I feel fortunate to work with the people who come in for therapy. I am continually impressed by their courage, compassion and desire to make changes in their lives. I believe that I learn as much from them as they may from me.

I ndividuals, relationships, backgrounds, experiences, values, self-concepts, age and life situations factor into how we connect and disconnect from our partners.

Invisible Scars looks at the complexities of psychologically abusive relationships and the reasons people have for staying or leaving them:

Why does she stay with him?

She must enjoy the games.

Id never let anyone treat me like that. If she did that to me, Id be gone.

Shes got quite a mouth on her. No wonder hes always leaving home. Id need to shut her up if I was married to her. How does he stand it?

Doesnt she know hes cheating on her? Everyone else in town knows it. Maybe she doesnt care.

What a jerk. Did you hear the way he talked to her? How does she put up with that?

Hes jealous and controlling and she sneaks around behind his back and does whatever she wants. Maybe they deserve each other.

She makes most of the money, but he counts every dime. She has to ask his permission to buy a pair of shoes. I dont get it.