Sally Chew - The New Gay Wedding: A Practical Primer for Brides and Grooms, Their Families and Guests: A Workman Short

A Practical Primer for Brides and Grooms, Their Families and Guests: A Workman Short

BY STEVEN PETROW

WITH SALLY CHEW

Copyright 2011 by Steven Petrow

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproducedmechanically, electronically, or by any other means, including photocopyingwithout written permission of the publisher. Published simultaneously in Canada by Thomas Allen & Son Limited.

eISBN 978-0-7611-6900-0

Illustrations by Paul Cox

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For Jim
With love and gratitude

Support LGBT nonprofits A percentage of all author royalties are donated to the fight for equal rights and protection for all including the excellent work of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) and the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR)

With the legalization of same-sex marriage and civil unions making its steady march from shore to shore (and in between), chances are theres a gay wedding in your future. If that wedding (or commitment ceremony) is your own, congratulations! If its the wedding of a friend, coworker or family member, congratulations again! Either way, youll need help getting ready to celebrate the day with grace and style. The following excerpt from my great big book on etiquette, eponymously titled Steven Petrows Complete Gay and Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life, will help you navigate this still-unmapped territory, providing answers you wont find in traditional wedding-planning books.

The first thoughts about any wedding or commitment ceremony (after the romantic bits are taken care of!) usually center on logistics: the invitations, the showers, the attire, the gifts, and the roles of those participating. In other words, the etiquette. And thats the moment when youll realize that many of the rules for same-sex weddings have yet to be figured out: Do gay men and lesbians get engaged in the traditional sense? Are the responsibilities of the wedding party different when you have two brides or two grooms? What kind of engagement or wedding showers are appropriate? Do you invite unsupportive or hostile family members? Whats the right way to word a same-sex wedding invitation? And for our families: Is a same-sex wedding different than a straight one? Do you now call your loved ones husbands or wives? And finally, who pays for what?

Unsurprisingly, plenty of gay and lesbian couples find that old-school wedding traditions serve them remarkably well in the ceremonies and celebrations they devise: formal invitations, engagement parties, gift registries, and frothy white dresses or well-tailored black tuxedos. For others, theres a very strong spirit of invention in play as we create new roles and ritesnot only for ourselves, but for everyone in attendance. The good news is that its up to each individual couple to make these choices, decisions which will in turn become the foundation of gay wedding etiquette to come. Youre making history!

Beyond the practical planning aspects, most gay and lesbian weddings will involve some deeper differences. Parents and other blood family members of the brides and grooms may find that they play a lesser part than they might expect. Often, gay couples marry or partner later in life (usually after having lived together for many years), which means that they may be paying for the ceremony and the reception themselves (which certainly lessens Mom and Dads involvement), or that they have lifelong friends to whom they would like to assign the roles traditionally played by family members in the wedding party. And then theres the reality that some parents or siblings may be uncomfortable with the very notion of gay unions; for them, a less public role may be just what theyre hoping for.

Another important difference, of course, is the ceremonys legal context. Depending on the state, the event may be an actual, state-certified wedding, a legally sanctioned civil union, or a private commitment ceremony whose meaning is more emotional than legal. This sizable factor isnt likely to be under your direct control. But take heart in the fact that every time two men or two women make the decision to publicly announce their relationship and affirm its strength, theyre taking yet another step toward helping to change stereotypes of LGBT people and our families. And in that spirit, call these nuptials whatever youd like: a commitment ceremony, wedding, civil union, love fest, or some other wording of your own invention. (Note that throughout this e-book, when I use the words wedding and marriage, Im referring to any kind of gay union, regardless of its legal status, not that anything less than full marriage equality is acceptable.)

Whether youre organizing or attending a same-sex wedding, the heart of the matter remains unchanged. A wedding exists in order to affirm a lifelong commitment between two people before an audience of friends, family, and loved ones. In that sense, same-sex nuptials may seem like every other wedding youve ever been to, except for the fact that they will involve two brides or two groomsand a beautiful, identical pair of cake toppers.

The excitement of making a formal commitment to each other will carry you quickly enough into the tasks ahead, but first things first. Before mocking up your guest list and getting distracted by reception menu options, look at what tying the knot will mean legally. Because same-sex marriage is legal throughout Canada, its just U.S. couples who are vulnerable to geographic marriage nuances. This section provides the basic information you need to understand about your partnership options and many other kinds of legal 411, from prenup agreements and changing your names to creating durable powers of attorney to protect your health and wealth. These legal agreements may seem businesslike and unromantic, but they are intended to cement and support your partnershipand are recommended for couples on both sides of the border. In fact, these agreements may well turn out to be the best wedding gift you could give or receive.

LGBT couples in the United States rarely get to actually choose from the following list of legal options; you usually just take what you get, depending on whether your state allows same-sex marriage, your city affirms domestic partnerships, or your job extends benefits to same-sex partners. Before stepping into any of these arrangements, its smart to understand the legal underpinnings of each and to discuss them with your intended so that youre both clear about whats to come. (For an up-to-date list of which states confer which partnership status, please see www.gaymanners.com.)

The word marriage has kicked up almost as much dust in recent years as the rights associated with it, with opponents of same-sex marriage arguing that gay people should have neither, and many LGBT people insisting nothing short of full marriage will do because of the benefits it conferschild custody and visitation; important tax advantages (especially regarding home ownership); the right of inheritance; and access to spousal benefits (such as Social Security, Veterans Administration, and health insurance, as well as family/medical/bereavement leave and more). By the way, even in states where same-sex marriage isnt legal, many lesbian and gay couples embrace the M word anyway, in order to show how serious they are about the commitment theyre making.