Blackstone-Ford - Ex-etiquette for weddings: the blended families guide to tying the knot

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Blackstone-Ford, Jann.

Ex-etiquette for weddings : the blended families guide to tying the knot / Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe.1st ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-13: 978-1-55652-671-8

ISBN-10: 1-55652-671-7

1. WeddingsPlanning. 2. Wedding etiquette. 3. Remarriage. 4. Stepfamilies. I. Jupe, Sharyl. II. Title.

HQ745.B63 2007

395.22dc22

Bonus Families, Ex-Etiquette, and Bonus Mom are registered trademarks of Bonus Families, Inc. All rights reserved.

Cover and interior design: Scott Rattray

Cover photo: Neo Vision

Author photo: Larry Ford

2007 by Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A.

All rights reserved

First edition

Published by Chicago Review Press, Incorporated

814 North Franklin Street

Chicago, Illinois 60610

ISBN-13: 978-1-55652-671-8

ISBN-10: 1-555652-671-7

Printed in the United States of America

5 4 3 2 1

I ts always difficult for Sharyl and me to express how grateful we are for the support we receive when writing an ex-etiquette book, but we will try to list everyone who helped us make Ex-Etiquette for Weddings a reality.

First, thank you to our family for supporting our passion for getting the word out about good ex-etiquette. Mel, Anee, Steven, Harleigh, and, of course, Larry have been both a part of combined family living and witnesses to its growing pains, and theyve worked to change the way society views life after divorce or separation. Its important that we start by saying how much we love them and value their support in all this.

We would also like to thank Michael Mew and Jennifer Bain (Anees father and her fathers wife) for being of inspiration during this writing, and all the members of the Bonus Families organization whose donations have enabled us to give back something of importance.

Thanks to Dr. Susan Bartell for her support and friendship. To Cynthia Sherry and Lisa Reardon from Chicago Review Press for their patience and excellent ideas for editing these projectswhat a joy to find a publisher who is so easy to work with! And to Sara Hoerdeman, our cheerleader and new friendwho is possibly the best publicity manager in the entire worldand the entire publicity team at Chicago Review Press, especially Elizabeth Malzahn, who works so hard to support us whenever we need it. You guys are the best!

Our thanks to our wonderful literary agent, Djana Pearson Morris, for her understanding, support, and enthusiasm; she has been with us from the beginning and does a great job of keeping us focused. And to everyone who uses the term bonuspositive change always starts with changing ourselves first.

I n 1989 I married Larry Ford, the ex-husband of my coauthor, Sharyl Jupe. She became my nemesis, and I hers. Sharyl and Larry had joint physical custody of their two children. Steven was four and Melanie had just turned eight. I had a child, Anee, who was seven, from a previous marriage. Larry and Sharyl could not talk to each other productively or civilly, yet the kids were going back and forth, a week at a time, between Sharyls home and our home. (My ex-husband and I werent on the best terms either. Even though we had joint custody of Anee, I retained sole physical custody; therefore, we had a more conventional divorced relationship. He lived an hour away and we rarely talkedeven though we should have.) Sharyl hated the lack of control she had over her children when they were in my home, which translated into her hating me. On the other side, because Sharyls kids spent so much time at my house, every rule that Sharyl set for her children affected my child. That translated into my not liking Sharyl much either.

Unfortunately, no one told any of us that we were doing it wrong. We thought we were doing it the way you had to if you were divorced. Divorced parents dont like each other. Divorced parents fight. Thats the way it is. But when the children began to display problems that we attributed to the stress in the homesone child had chronic stomachaches and another had trouble sleepingthats when all the adults knew we had to find a better way.

Sharyl and I eventually called a truce for the sake of the kids. It wasnt a formal truce, where one of us suddenly waved a white flag and ended the war. It was a gradual acceptance of each others role in respect to the children in our care. We began to cooperate with each otherand surprisingly, as we cooperated with each other, Larry and Sharyl began to work through their differences too. Sharyl and I now regard each other as close friends. It was a logical progressionwe both love the same kids.

Somewhere in the midst of all these trials and tribulations, I went back to college. My chosen profession was mediation, and I learned to apply the tricks of that trade to my life. My specialty became divorce, child custody, and visitation. In 2000 I started the nonprofit organization Bonus Families to help divorced parents and bonusfamily members navigate the treacherous waters of divorce and remarriage. We offer workshops, mediation, support groups, and advice to divorced parents and bonusfamilies. Sharyl was instrumental in the formation and serves on the board of directors. We were living the organizations goals.

Out of Bonus Families grew our first book, Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation. It established a model for more positive communication between divorced or separated parents. We chose Ex-Etiquette for Weddings to be our second ex-etiquette book because so many of the questions people ask us revolve around weddings. Youll see that this is much more than an etiquette bookits an etiquette manual, wedding planner, parenting guide, and self-help book all rolled into one.

When Larry and I decided to marry, there was no protocol for getting married for the second time, so we just made it up as we went along. We got married at our home, not in a church, so many of the formal decisions associated with a church wedding were not issues for us. We included the kids in the wedding, which we decided to hold on New Years Evea day symbolic of the transition from past to future. We had a black-tie party. At 10:00 P.M. the minister arrived, we stopped the party, and the kids walked in wearing matching attire. Four years old at the time, my bonusson was excited that he was wearing a tux and staying up until ten. The minister married us using vows that we had written, and we all exchanged ringsadults and kids alike. I put the rings on my bonuschildrens fingers, and my husband put a ring on my daughters finger.

The minister then announced to the guests, Larry, Jann, Melanie, Anee, and Steven thank you for celebrating this wonderful occasion with them, and they welcome you all to their home. Then the first toast cameand my husband made it. My father had died months before and did not know that we were going to be married. My husband and my father had been longtime friends, and there was not a doubt in anyones mind that Dad would have been happy about our union, so my husband spoke to him during the toast. It was a very sentimental, lovely toast. We lifted our glasses together, and then the party resumeda built-in reception. In an hour or so, before the party got really crazy, my new parents-in-law took the kids home with them.

Planning my wedding was more stressful than it needed to be. I wish there had been a book at the time that addressed some of the decisions I faced. I had no idea what I was doing, nor was there anywhere to turn for help. I hope that