Abby Laura Leigh - 2brides 2be: a same-sex guide for the modern bride

a genuine archer book

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Archer/Rare Bird

453 South Spring Street Suite 302 Los Angeles CA 90013
archerlit.com

Copyright 2017 by Laura Leigh Abby

Set in Minion

Book Design by starling
Illustrations by Cara Lowe

epub isbn: 9781941729205

Publishers Cataloging-in-Publication data

Names: Abby, Laura Leigh, author.
Title: 2Brides 2be : a same-sex guide for the modern bride /
Laura Leigh Abby.
Description: Includes bibliographical references. | A Genuine Archer Book | First Trade Paperback Original Edition | New York, NY;
Los Angeles, CA: Archer/Rare Bird Books, 2017.
Identifiers: ISBN 9781941729175
Subjects: LCSH WeddingPlanning. | WeddingEquipment and supplies. | Same-sex marriage. | Lesbian couples. | Etiquette for lesbians. | BISAC REFERENCE / Weddings.
Classification: LCC HQ745 .A23 2017 | DDC 392.5dc23

To my wife Samantha,
you are forever my beautiful bride.

Contents

A Timeline of Gay Marriage
and Lesbian Milestones
in the United States

How do You Make a Great Speech at a
Lesbian Wedding?

Foreword

by Trish Bendix

W omen have been marrying each other for decades, long before cities, states, and countries deemed their matrimony legal. Whether it was a private ceremony and celebration or a Boston marriage never given its full appreciation from the outside world, love has been kept secret (or ignored by some), but embraced and cherished by those who know it best.

Weve seen some great strides for equal marriage in the twenty-first century, and with every positive turn of legislation, more and more couples take the step to sanctify their relationship with weddings of their very own, a publicly commemorated day dedicated to the love of two women who want to be together for the rest of their lives, in sickness and in health, til death do they part.

Most of these women have grown up without any kind of idea what this might look like. There have been very few depictions of lesbian weddings in mainstream media or pop culture, and even then, those very-special-episodes dont always illustrate the entirety of the planning process. Its only the vows and the cake-cutting, the first dances and the dresses. Theres so much more to worry about, and worry you surely will.

The common guides and how-tos for wedding planning are very heterosexual, and its not as easy as borrowing the bride-groom aesthetic and adapting for bride-bride.

The secret to having an ideal same-sex wedding is to discard everything you think you know about the nuptials and ceremonies and yes to the dresses. One of the best things about being a queer woman is that you can rewrite historyyou have the chance to create the kind of big day that you havent even begun to dream about. There arent any rules for you or your partner; no one has to perform the expected duties of the groomthere is no groom! Theres just you and your spouse-to-beyour wife, should you decide to use the conventional term, and accept it for yourself as well.

It can be overwhelming to start from scratch, though, which is why its the perfect timing for a collection of helpful suggestions from those who have been through it, from the beginning stages of big ideas to the final execution of the big day. The important thing to remember is that this all began out of the want to be together, and to invite your loved ones to share in that excitement. Forget the expectations you think others might have of you, the ones wedding culture can sometimes perpetuate. (Its a business for many, after all.) Keep your eye on the prize: your legally wedded wife.

As the anxiety builds, the vendor bills stack up, and the RSVPs roll in, center yourself in knowing that women have been doing this without a road map for years, and that the only obligation you have is to yourselves. Every single part of a wedding ceremony and reception is optional, except for you and your chosen partner for life. Finding that person is worth celebrating. It always has been, and always will be.

Introduction

A fter a vacation proposal in August 2012, I boarded my flight home with a diamond on my finger and wedding magazines in my carry-on. In the weeks that followed, I stayed up late with my laptop open on my comforter and magazines scattered around me. I clicked through wedding blogs and dog-eared pictures of dresses I thought might flatter my frame. Occasionally I awoke my fiance, Sam, to ask her opinion on floral trends and letterpress. What I saw in the pages and on my screen were women in white gowns and grooms in bespoke suits. Occasionally Id come across a feature of a same-sex couple, but I had to do some digging to find them. Finally, I gave up. I turned to same-sex wedding publications. I googled lesbian wedding. The stories and images this search revealed did little to encourage me; I felt unrepresented everywhere I looked.

As I entered the very traditional world of wedding planning I sought inspiration. I yearned for beautiful images of women in love and advice on how to plan a wedding that was both customary and contemporary with the conviction that I would have the wedding of my dreams because I was marrying a woman, not in spite of it. I wanted my wedding to blend tradition with rebellion and focus on the whole of my relationship, not the one aspect that sets us apart. Sam and I were not trying to plan a lesbian wedding. We were trying to plan our wedding: one that reflected us as a couple, a lifetime of love from both friends and family, and our shared hopes for a future of unity.

Loved ones were excited by the details of our wedding plans, but they had questions. As the inquiries grew repetitive, I decided to start a blog. I wrote about the search for the perfect wedding dress and how we chose the elements of our ceremony. I discussed the hardships we faced in changing our names and the logistics of planning a two-bride wedding. I found myself thrust into a position of authority on a subject in which I was clearly no expertId never planned a wedding! The summer before our nuptials I published an essay in the New York Observer , Who Walks Down The Aisle First? The title was taken from the question Id been asked most often, that and are you both wearing dresses? This was my first realization that it wasnt just my family that was interested in the logistics, the public was curious about wedding planning for same-sex couples as well. So I kept writing. I wanted other women like me to know that were not alone, that we shouldnt have to feel like aliens invading the world of weddings.

In the past few years, as Ive planned a wedding, gotten married, and enjoyed life as a newlywed, Ive watched the United States become a nation of marriage equality. The timing feels like kismet. Women who are marrying women no longer have to be the other. We deserve the same wedding inspiration and practical advice as everyone else.