J.J. Keith - Motherhood Smotherhood: Fighting Back Against the Lactivists, Mompetitions, Germophobes, and So-Called Experts Who Are Driving Us Crazy

Parts of this book have been adapted from the authors blogs, www.blogspot.jjustkidding.com and www.jjkeith.net (the Versus Series), or were previously published on www.babble.com and www.huffingtonpost.com.

Copyright 2014 by JJ Keith

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or .

Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc., a Delaware corporation.

Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Brian Peterson

Cover photo credit Alden and JJ Keith

Print ISBN: 978-1-62914-658-4

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-63220-052-5

Printed in the United States of America

Praise for JJ Keith and Motherhood Smotherhood

JJ Keiths writing is exceptionally gutsy, sometimes heartbreaking and always laugh out loud funny. Shes the queen of finding a fresh angle on every topic. What Im saying is, Im jealous of her ability. Okay? There. The secret is out.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, bestselling author of Sippy Cups
Are Not for Chardonnay and Naptime
is the New Happy Hour

I love her stuff.

Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess), New York Times bestselling
author of Lets Pretend This Never Happened

DUDE. This is epic. Every new mom needs a copy of Motherhood Smotherhood .

Rebecca Woolf (Girls Gone Child), author
of Rockabye: From Wild to Child

JJ Keiths entertaining book succeeds where so many writers on parenting fail: she takes her experience, avoids universalizing it, and uses it to bring parents together, away from the myth of perfection parenting. Motherhood Smotherhood is filled with worldly perspective and an original voice. In short, its frank, fresh, and funny. I wish Id written it.

Leanne Shirtliffe, author of Dont Lick the Minivan:
And Other Things I Never Thought Id Say to My Kids

If for some reason I end up with a kid, this is the shit I would read.

Samantha Irby (Bitches Gotta Eat), author of Meaty: Essays

In todays culture of parenting dos and donts, those who seek out the best child-rearing philosophies are often met with more questions than answers. JJ Keith demystifies those questions by asserting that no parent is perfectand thats okay. Her relatable and witty essays soothe rather than worry, and for someone whos embarking on the parenting journey, thats the only advice that will really matter.

Blair Koenig, author of STFU, Parents: The Jaw-Dropping,
Self-Indulgent, and Occasionally Rage-Inducing
World of Parent Overshare

I should have written this. My bad.

Dr. Benjamin M. Spock (posthumously via a reputable psychic)

For Alden,

The Leela to my Fry, the Larry to my Balky Bartokomous, and the Shining Armor to my Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

W ithin the span of a few weeks, two pregnant friends approached me for advice about childbirth, breastfeeding, and taking care of a baby. I didnt know what to say. I mean, what do I know? Im no expert. Try not to drop the baby? Dont forget to change the babys diaper every few hours? Find a wooden spoon and bite on it until the baby turns one?

I muttered something like, Uh, you dont need a stroller, but its nice to have one? And, uh, definitely get a car seat. Swaddle, I think, if it works. Its like wrapping a burrito. Eh, Google it. My friends nodded along, kindly pretending that I was helpful. One of them asked me about books, and all I could come up with was, Uh, anything but Baby Wise ? referring to the rigorously scheduled technique that has caused some parents to undernourish their newborns and thus is no longer recommended by pediatricians.

Now that my kids were in preschool, all that baby stuff seemed far away and my smell ya later, infancy attitude wasnt helpful to my pregnant friends who wanted my advice. At some point after the second visit from a soon-to-be new mom, I drank about eleventy beers and gave it some thought. The resulting advice went viral, first on my personal blog, and then the Huffington Post . Turns out that in between the attachment parenting zealots and sleep training fascists, there are a bunch of people whose attitudes are like mine: I just do shit and shit happens; I try not to be a dick to my kids, but its okay if sometimes theyre inconvenienced by my need to be a human in addition to being a mother.

The vast majority of chatter surrounding parenthood is junk. All of these seemingly divisive decisionslike pain meds in labor, newborn sleep arrangements, and schedulingare often phrased as moral imperatives from both sides. Screw that. Take care of your kid. Do what works. Babies are more durable than we give them credit for. As a parent, I can be wrong as long as I realize it and change. That means its okay to make educated guesses and then sort out the consequences. And it means I have to play this parenting gig by ear, which is disquieting for people with controlling tendencies like me. But I must control my tendency to be controlling or else I will imprison myself. Infants cannot be micromanaged, nor can toddlers, children, teenagers, spouses, or nannies. Parents who want to be perfect can knock themselves out, but Id rather they not blame the institution of parenthood (or worse, their babies) when they go two years without finishing a sentence, sleeping through the night, or having sex.

My parenting philosophy can be summed up by the question, Really?! taken from the Saturday Night Live Weekend Update segment from the mid-aughts. Its how you should respond to the moms in your playgroup who tell you either Ferberizing is the only way to go or Sleep training causes brain damage. And Really?! is the only acceptable response to a partner who claims I dont know how to change diapers as well as you. But more than that, Really?! is the appropriately calm response to the old lady who scolds you to put a sweater on your baby in Trader Joes on a swelteringly hot day, the young couple who gives you the stink eye when you walk into a restaurant with your baby, or the grandparent who feels the need to point out that your newborns outfit doesnt match. Blowing off random comments is far better than getting all huffy.

Once babies are born, parents have to know their enemies, but more importantly, they have to recognize that most people arent their enemies. For every asshole sneering while Baby is wailing in the checkout line, theres another person behind them making funny faces to distract Baby. Parents choose where their focus goes: the funny-face person or the asshole, but this parenting stuff is hard enough without having to feel like the world is piling up on you. Lets give everyone else some credit, okay?

In later conversations with my pregnant friends, I clarified my advice. One of my favorite tips for new parents is to ask only a few friends for guidance, preferably those who are a kid or two ahead because they are ones who best understand that every baby is differenta vital component of good parenting advice. The reason that some techniques are beloved by some parents and reviled by others is that they work on some babies and not on others. Some babies exhaust themselves by crying and will only pass out after a good sob, while others get more amped up by crying and will go for hours. Some babies need to be held close all the time as prescribed by attachment parenting manuals, but some babies long for more independence and will push against a parent trying to force 247 closeness. Some babies want solid food when theyre five months old, some will still be disinterested at ten months.