Linda Hetzer - Moving On: A Practical Guide to Downsizing the Family Home

Text copyrights 2004/2013 Linda Hetzer and Janet Hulstrand

Illustrations copyright 2004/2013 David McGrievey/Arts Counsel Inc.

Originally published in 2004 by

Stewart, Tabori & Chang

A Company of La Martinire Groupe

115 West 18th Street

New York, New York 10011

ISBN: 1-58479-323-6 (print)

ISBN: 978-0-9910122-1-3 (epub)

Disclaimer: The authors are not experts in the fields of law, finance, medicine, or family counseling. The information offered in this book does not lessen the need for, or take the place of, legal, financial, medical, or any other professional advice. The authors and the publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused, or alleged to be caused, by the information contained in this book.

To the memory of my parents,

Theodore J. and Ruth Johnson Hetzer,

who kept family treasures and shared the best stories.

To Michael,

who is essential to my story.

And to Emily and Elizabeth,

who keep me looking forward.

L.H.

To the memory of my parents,

Bert and Carolyn Powers Hulstrand,

who filled our home with many, many things,

but most of all with love.

To my sister, Elizabeth Hulstrand Sanchez,

who bore the brunt of the work cheerfully

and made the funniest comments along the way.

To the memory of my brother, John (Jake) Hulstrand,

who kept his sense of humor when many would not.

And to Steve, Phineas, and Sammy,

Just because.

J.H.

Our journey began when we shared our personal downsizing stories with each other, stories of helping our fathers empty our childhood homesthe houses they had lived in for many yearsas they prepared for the next stage of their lives.

We were surprised at how powerful the emotions connected to family possessions could be and, at the same time, how easy it was to let go of many things.

We did feel a bit overwhelmed by the process of sorting through everything and were frustrated with what to do with all the things no one wanted. We talked to other people who had been in a similar place and realized we were far from alone in these feelings. We decided we wanted to share the information we had gathered with others who were going though the process of downsizing. The result, helped by the insight of our editor Marisa Bulzone, was our book Moving On: A Practical Guide to Downsizing the Family Home, published in 2004 by Stewart, Tabori and Chang.

As we promoted Moving Onbeing interviewed by the media, writing articles, and talking to people at bookstores and in a variety of other community settingswe were asked insightful questions, and were told many new downsizing stories. We saw how deeply this topic resonates with so many people, and how the creative solutions that people had come up with could help make the process less tedious and more gratifying.

Our path led us to new media and in 2010 we started a blog Downsizing The Home: Lessons Learned to share some of the practical strategies and helpful advice, as well as the poignant stories, we were continuing to gather.

Our blog has given us the chance to both deepen and broaden our focus, to include thoughts about recycling and upcycling, how to live with lessand happily so, and how to treasure what we have, without the need to always have more.

We decided to create this e-book as a way to share with even more people about the experience of downsizing, and to provide a convenient way for our readers to link to new and updated resources.

Were happy to have you join us on our journey.

Weve shared some of our own stories in this e-book, and we will continue to share them on our blog. We would love to hear your thoughts and stories, too, so please visit us here, and leave a comment. Were also on Facebook and Twitter, and we hope youll follow us there. We would love to hear from you.

Linda Hetzer and Janet Hulstrand

Every child knows that its more fun taking toys out and playing with them than it is putting them away again when youre done. And many older people (or their middle-aged children) are finding out that its much more fun building up a home and filling it with beautiful furnishings, wonderful objects, and meaningful memorabilia, than it is trying to figure out what to do with them all when the house has served its purpose and its time to move on.

When the time comes for you (or your parents) to leave behind your family homewhether its because of illness, death, or simply changing needs or preferencesits time to deal with all that accumulated stuff. But where do you put it all, and how? In what order do you work? And how can you do it in such a way that family harmony (if it exists) remains intact, and family dysfunction (if it doesnt) is not exacerbated? So that everyone is able to move on to the next stage of life with some sense of positive resolution, with a good deal of poignancy, perhaps, but no bitterness.

We are two middle-aged daughters who have recently had the experience of helping our fathers move out of the houses they had occupied for several decadesthe homes we grew up inand into apartments. Because our fathers had continued to live in their homes for a number of years after our mothers had passed away, we were both able to separate the task of cleaning out the house from mourning the death of a parent. Even so, we both found that the job was a challenging one, both physically and emotionally.

There were many reasons for this. One was that both of us come from families of savers. Not only did our parents find it difficult to throw things out, but in both cases our homes had been the repositories for items that had belonged to our parents parents and grandparents, as well as aunts and uncles who had passed away earlier. Our parents homes were very full! So the task that fell to us (and the brothers and sisters who were working with us), of sorting and throwing things out, was time-consuming. It was also a bit problematic, because we knew that among the many things we needed to just get rid of, there were also a lot of meaningful family treasures we wanted to save, for ourselves and for our children. That meant looking at and making decisions about every single thing in those houses, drawer by drawer, and item by item. It was, in a word, overwhelming!

At the time, we both wished there had been a guide we could turn to that would give us some idea about the various options for dividing up the household objects, disposing of what no one wanted, and carefully saving family treasures. As we talked to others who were going through this process it became clear that for most people this is at best a complicated experience. We discovered that we were far from alone in feeling the need for practical information and advice, as well as the comfort gained in hearing other peoples stories.

In this book we have put together what we, and the people we talked to, learned in the process of emptying out our familys homes. Along the way, we discovered a wonderful variety of creative, witty, sometimes ingenious solutions to some of the pitfalls families can easily fall into even when they enter this process with the best of intentions and are in general agreement over how to proceed.

The good news is that, while this is a big job and it can be overwhelming, with the right approach, enough time, and a little bit of luck, cleaning out the family home can also be a positive experience. It can offer wonderful moments of nostalgia, new chances to heal old wounds, and great opportunities for family bonding. We hope that the ideas, strategies, and insights weve collected in these pages will help you and your family use this time to find those moments and make the most of those opportunities.