Shannon Payette Seip - Momnesia: A Humorous Guide to Surviving Your Post-Baby Brain

Also by Shannon Payette Seip and Adrienne Hedger

If These Boobs Could Talk

MOMNESIA
Copyright 2009 by Shannon Payette Seip and Adrienne Hedger. Illustrations 2009 by Adrienne Hedger. All rights reserved. Printed in China. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-9045-4

Library of Congress Control Number: 2008936170

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Book design by Diane Marsh

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Y oure on a stroll with your one-month-old baby and you run into a neighbor. Whats her name? she asks. Your mind fogs over. Name name You stare blankly at your precious child. What the heck did you name her?

Uh Winnie, you answer, eyeing the Winnie-the-Pooh blanket draped across your Her. child name is Winnie.

And for all you know, that is in fact her name.

Welcome to momnesia.

Yes, your heart is filled with the joys of being a new mom. Whats running on empty is your brain. Its fuzzy, forgetful, and solely focused on the basics: food, poop, and sleep.

How can you reclaim your brain? And what can you do to survive momnesia until youre back to your old self?

Youve come to the right place.

Lets take a scientific look at whats happening inside your head.

This medical image shows one example of a pre-baby brain:

BEFORE

And heres what happens just moments after baby is born:

and AFTER

Causes of Momnesia
(That Your Doctor Wont Tell You)

1. Your brains central processing unit froze during childbirth, and no one has pressed Ctrl+Alt+Del to reboot it.

2. Not satisfied with the big green leaf, the Very Hungry Caterpillar is now making its way through your brain.

3. Unbeknownst to you, a bunch of your brain cells are still tied up in nursery-decor issues. Was Gingerbread Bisque the right paint color? Should you have gone with Misty Shoreline instead?

4. A majority of brain cells are obsessing about the babys name. Should you have chosen a family name? Something less new agey? A literary character?

5. Your brain is on strike, after being forced to spend too much precious time thinking about Americas Next Top Model contestants.

6. Somehow youve landed in The Matrix and someone has simply shut you off.

a MOMMY with MOMNESIA ATTEMPTS to EXPLAIN MOMNESIA

I n the last week, which of the following has made you cry? Check each box that applies.

Baby smiles at you.

You see a touching credit card commercial.

You see your credit card bill.

Hubby wants to watch the hunting channel instead of Project Runway.

You realize you left wet clothes in the washing machine overnight. Again.

You fit back into your pre-pregnancy pants.

But wait you cant zip them up.

The dog throws up right as you get into bed.

You see a promo for a 20/20 episode about children in danger.

Baby outgrows 0-3 month clothes.

A slow song with lots of guitar strumming comes on the radio.

You discover you are out of Preparation H.

You happen to catch a rerun of Friendsand its the Ross and Rachel first kiss episode.

If you checked:

0-4 boxes

EYES of STEEL

People wont find you blubbering over an episode of The Price Is Right or a PB&J with not enough jam. No, you are a woman who refuses to let her tear ducts get the best of her. Except when you imagine your baby becoming a teenager. But seriously, who wouldnt cry at that?

5-8 boxes

UPS and DOWNS

Sure, you cry over the normal things, like when your husband doesnt scrape the food off the dishes properly before putting them in the dishwasher. That aside, youve got a pretty healthy emotional balance for a new mom filled with hormones.

9 or more

HELLO, TAMMY FAYE

Squirrels scurrying up a tree? An expired bag of marshmallows? You will inevitably lose it over anything that crosses your path. Might as well buy stock in Visine.

Heres an idea: Set low expectations from the beginning by including a brief notice on your baby announcement.

O K fine, maybe you cant quite process the front-page article in the Wall Street Journal. But you just gave birth! Give yourself a break and think of all the things you can do!

• Blink without thinking

• Distinguish between hot and cold water

• Accurately screw top on toothpaste

• Cross your arms

• Uncross your arms

• Cross your arms again