Shannon Payette Seip - If These Boobs Could Talk: A Little Humor to Pump Up the Breastfeeding Mom

IF THESE BOOBS COULD TALK
Copyright 2008 by Shannon Payette Seip and Adrienne Hedger. Illustrations copyright 2008 by Adrienne Hedger. All rights reserved. Printed in Singapore. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-8891-8

Library of Congress Control Number: 2007934136
www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Book design by Diane Marsh
Cover design by Kelly Ludwig

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W hen it comes to breastfeeding, people want to know: How is baby doing? Is she latching on? Is he eating well? How is babys weight gain?

Baby this, baby that. Baby, baby, baby.

Well guess who starts to feel a wee bit slighted? Thats right: your boobs. After all, they are the ones who are constantly delivering the goods. They are the ones who are negotiating tricky supply and demand issues. They are the ones who cant even recognize themselves in the mirror once the milk comes in.

But do they ever miss a day of work? No. Do they complain? Never. In fact, they are models of perseverance and flexibility. They are smart, fearless, and bodacious, all at once.

So, Boobs, for all that you doand for all that you stand forwe dedicate this book to you.

Before you have a baby, its only fair to warn your boobs about the changes ahead. Read them this letter before baby is born.

Dear Boobs,

How are you doing? Oh good.

Listen, life as you know it is about to end. Theres a baby on the way, and this means big changes.

Let me put it this way: When normal people look at you they see breasts. When baby looks at you he sees something akin to a bucket of glistening, crispy chicken drumsticks. Mmmmm

Suffice it to say, this baby will be attached to you for long periods of time, more frequently than you can imagine. And you will be called on to produce milk over and over and over again. When times get tough, I want you to know I will be there to comfort you and cheer you on.

Maybe you already know all of this. After all, in many ways this assignment is your lifes destiny. But in case you were unaware, I felt I should clue you in. I believe in you, and know you have what it takes to be the very best breasts.

Ill be seeing you (a LOT of you!) very soon. And dont worrywell get through this together.

Sincerely,

Me

top ten things your boobs would say if they could talk

Since when are we open twenty-four hours?

Get the soothing gel. Get it now.

Sir, this is a Babies Only zone.

Kid, how can you not see our nipples when theyre the size of paper plates?

Woo hoo! Were spraying across the room!

Wow, we look spectacular!

Wait, now we look like old gym socks.

Hmmm, do we hear a baby crying somewh and theres the milk.

Hey, we dont get paid enough to work this hard.

Oh great. A tooth.

B reastfeeding difficulties got you down? Take this quick quiz to remind yourself of the benefits you and your baby will enjoy.

1. Which answer is correct? When you breastfeed, your child has a lower risk of developing:

a. A third nipple

b. Respiratory problems

c. An addiction to grande lattes

d. A strong aversion to Barneyand his entire posse

e. An attitude at age thirteen

2. True or false: When you breastfeed, your child has a greater chance of developing a higher IQ.

3. True or false: When you breastfeed, you have a greater chance of developing a higher IQ.

4. Breastfeeding can help you:

a. Burn extra calories without having to hit the gym.

b. Know your nipples intimately.

c. Recover faster from postpartum bleeding.

d. Make you look like a sex goddess in tank tops and low-cut shirts.

e. All of the above.

ANSWERS:

Q1: B, although E would be great, too.

Q2: True! Yay!

Q3: Oh, please. Your brain is shot now that you wont be getting any sleep.

Q4: E, of course!

Your milk is hereand you cant believe what it feels like. Heres how to explain it to your spouse.

Its like:

• An alien replaced your boobs with fourteen-pound explosive bowling balls.

• Truck tires that are dangerously overinflated.

• A wicked witch cast a spell on you that makes your boobs as solid as stone.

• Youre wearing a superhero chest-plate of steel, and the villain is shooting lasers at it.

• Theres a miniature army in your boobs and they are punching you from the inside with their miniature fists.

• Your chest is the Hoover Dam and Lake Mead is pushing so hard, the dam is going to collapse in about two seconds.

• You went in to the hospital to give birth, but they accidentally gave you an enormous boob job.

If all this fails, relate it to him: Its like he woke up to find his testicles swollen to the size of grapefruits and as heavy as a pair of sandbags. (Oh yes, and burning like someone lit a bonfire inside of them.)

the IDEAL ROCKER

In the beginning, it can be difficult to determine if your baby has correctly latched to your breast. If youre in doubt, watch for these signs:

Good sign: Baby appears to be swallowing rhythmically.

Bad sign: Baby appears to be snoring rhythmically.

Good sign: Your breast is decreasing in size somewhat. It is beginning to resemble an extremely overinflated football instead of a freakishly large watermelon.

Bad sign: After thirty minutes of supposed feeding, your breasts are still so hard they could be registered as lethal weapons.

Good sign: You feel a surge of milk rushing toward your nipple area.

Bad sign: You feel a surge of milk drenching your shirt, body, and baby.

Good sign: There appears to be intense sucking going on.

Bad sign: The sensation of intense sucking is centered on your inner arm, where the babys head is burrowed.

W ondering how to spend those fifteen seconds of breastfeeding you have before the oxytocin kicks in? Try the following: