Susan Morris Shaffer - How to Connect with Your iTeen: A Parenting Road Map

Copyright 2015 by Susan Morris Shaffer and Linda Perlman Gordon. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a data base or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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To our grandchildren,
Julian Vuong Shaffer,
Levi Henry Miller and Sari Juliet Miller,
who make life magical

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.

One of these is roots, the other, wings.

JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE

L ike our earlier books, we couldnt have written this book without the encouragement, support, and enthusiasm of so many people. We particularly want to give thanks to those parents, teens, friends, and family members who so generously shared their personal stories with us.

We wish to express gratitude to our agent, Joelle Delbourgo, for bringing us creative and significant opportunities, and to Christopher Brown and Peter McCurdy, our editorial team at McGraw-Hill.

To Mark, who shares my life, and endless hours of collaboration, always with love.

Special thanks to my children, Elizabeth and Seth, who provide boundless charm, humor, originality, and more joy than any mother could hope for. To my son-in-law, Josh, and daughter-in law, Linh, for their great kindness to me and love and support of my children.

To my team at the Mid-Atlantic Equity Consortiumfor their constant support, willingness to assist, and devotion to promoting academic excellence for all children. My heartfelt thanks! A very special thank you to Noelle Terefe Haile and Nora Morales for their contributions to this book.

To Phyllis Lerner, for her candor, keen eye, and ongoing encouragement.

To Susan Wechslerwho is always willing to talk through ideas and provide me with her insightful perspective. Most importantly, I am grateful for our incredible friendship.

To my cousin Steven GlickI would be remiss if I didnt acknowledge his life long support of my work and his own commitment to educational excellence as a consummate educator at San Francisco City College. He is never far from my thoughts.

To Arnie, who is my loving partner, my anchor and my tranquility.

To my daughter Emily and son-in-law David who provide me countless treasured moments while they are perfecting lifes most important juggling act; pursuing their careers while joyously parenting Levi and Sari, the next generation of iTeens.

To my son Zach, whose honesty and expertise about teenagers offered me a collaboration I cherished.

To Kimberly Kolfor her contributions and expertise on eating disorders.

To Kerry Perlmanfor her insightful knowledge about popular culture and teen life.

To Donna Shoom Kirschfor her friendship, generosity of time, professional wisdom, and loving support.

To Mickie Simon and Lisan Martin, who provide unlimited support, wisdom and an endless amount of laughter.

You cannot tell always by looking

what is happening.

More than half a tree is spread out

in the soil under your feet.

Marge Piercy, The Seven of Pentacles

Teenagers have always been a challenge. One parent observes, Life with a teen can be compared to wrestling with an octopus. Some have suggested sending them on a prolonged six-year camping experience. If only it were that easy. People often say that the first step toward recovery is to admit that you have a problem. Your problem is that there is no simple escape plan. You will raise your teenagers, and with a little luck, you and your teens will live to tell about it.

For many of us who have survived these years, the dread of adolescence dominates any discussion about parenting. Only after the ritual commiserating do we share the joys of adolescence. In fact, as parents of our now-adult children, we continue to talk about our own parenting skills. We admit that we might be sharing too much information (TMI) about what we didnt know then, couldnt quite understand, and should have (in our offsprings opinion) done differently. And now two of our children are raising their children, our grandchildren. But thats a topic for another book.

While the challenges of parenting teens are nothing new, todays context looks drastically different. Teens are growing up in a landscape where they are digitally connected every single moment of every single day and night, fully justifying our name for them: iTeen. iTeens are buried under their web of digital networks. These digital connections not only redefine how to maintain emotional connection with your kids, but also redefine privacy. For iTeens, there is very little privacy in the way that we historically have defined it. At the same time, parents are expected to set protections and rules around social media. We somehow have to help our teens to understand that, without boundaries, the information they so easily share lasts forever. Their data are like plastic bottles; they never go away.