Susan Abel Lieberman - The Mother-in-Laws Manual: Proven Strategies for Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Married Children

PROVEN STRATEGIES FOR CREATING AND
MAINTAINING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
WITH MARRIED CHILDREN

2365 Rice Blvd., Suite 202 Houston, Texas 77005

Copyright 2009 by Susan Abel Lieberman

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval devices or systems, without prior written permission from the publisher, except that brief passages may be quoted for reviews.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in Publication Data
Lieberman, Susan Abel.

The Mother-in-laws manual : proven strategies for creating and maintaining healthy
relationships with married children / Susan Abel Lieberman.
p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-933979-47-2 (jacketed hardcover : alk. paper)
ISBN 978-1-933979-41-0 (softcover : alk. paper)

1. Mothers-in-lawFamily relationships. 2. Daughters-in-lawFamily relationships.
3. Mothers-in-lawPsychology. 4. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.

HQ759.25.L54 2009
646.78dc22

2009000313

Book and cover design by Cregan Design
Illustrations by Mike Guillory
Edited by Hillary Durgin Harmon

Printed in China through Asia Pacific Offset

www.motherinlawsmanual.com

Also by Susan Abel Lieberman

New Traditions: Redefining Celebrations for Todays Family

Venus in Blue Jeans: How Mothers and Daughters Can Talk About Sex, Nathalie Bartle, Ed. D. with Susan Lieberman

The REAL High School Handbook: How to Survive, Thrive and Prepare for Whats Next

The KIDFUN Activity Book. Sharla Feldscher and Susan Lieberman

SUPER SUMMERS, Houston edition, 1994. El Paso, 1995; Jacksonville, FL, 1997; Springfield, MO, 1998. (All editions currently unavailable.)

T his book owes a deep debt to all the women who shared their stories, revealed their hopes and disappointments, and who described very personal feelings. It was a joy to talk with people all over the country who are trying to be good mothers-in-law. I also enjoyed the more informal conversations with sons, daughters, and their spouses who gave different perspectives. I learned so much from the people who were kind enough to talk with me and hope those who read this book will share in that learning.

The Mother-in-Laws Manual grew out of my own desire to forge strong and satisfying adult relationships with my children and their spouses. Sometimes, I feel I am not doing such a good job. How comforting it has been to find that I am not alone in my feelings or my hopes, and that my own shortcomings and fears are shared by others.

Although I feel enormous appreciation for the many people who helped me figure out what to write, there are two reasons I cannot thank them by name. I dont know the names of all of them. Sometimes, we chatted in airport lounges or in doctors offices. Where I do know names and have notes, I have promised confidentiality. Almost every mother-in-law I interviewed wanted to be sure she would not be named or recognizable in the book. So, with the exception of a few dear friends, there are no names here of the people who are quoted but lots of gratitude.

There are a few friends who I do want to recognize by name because they were especially supportive when I was still unsure if I really had a book. They read the early drafts, made excellent comments, and gave me the encouragement I needed. Judith Grossman cheered me on from before word one made it to the paper and continued to offer her wisdom and red editing pen long after it seemed reasonable to ask her for more. Kathleen Sullivan offered publishing support and expertise from the start. And Dick Goldbergs thumbs up mattered. Madeleine Appel, Sue Cejka, Jennifer Chiu, and Barbara Rosen kept my spirits up and improved both my thinking and my writing. Dale and Tom Baker, Ravelle Brickman, Ruth Brodsky, Roberta Diddel, Amy Lawch, Dorothy Mahan, Barbara Marwell, and Michele Anne Simms all read and commented on drafts. A special word of thanks to Christine Adams whose warmth and insights always delight and enlighten me. There are many others whose friendship and wisdom kept me optimistic and grounded. You knowI hope you knowwho you are, how much I value having you as friends, and how much a few encouraging words over lunch or coffee matter. Deborah Tannen and Nora Ephron are not people I have ever met, but their books also encouraged and educated me.

It was great good fortune that my friend Nancy Rust urged me to talk to the publisher down the hall. I was not looking for a regional publishing house, but finding Bright Sky and the three terrific and knowledgeable women who run it was a great gift. I have only appreciation and admiration for Ruina Wallace Judd, Lucy Herring Chambers, and Ellen Peeples Cregan. Having Hillary Durgin Harmon work with me as an editor certainly made this a better book. Ladies, champagne and strawberries for you all!

My sons and their wives have my love and admiration. I did not believe writing this book would be difficult for my children and their spouses. There is, I thought, no cause for worry because I see them as smart, kind, thoughtful people who are generous and considerate with me. It was out of my own sense of inadequacy in building stronger relationships that I was led to look more closely at the mother-in-law challenge.

In the moment, Im not sure speaking publicly strengthened my relationships with these young women, but I hold the belief that in time, this will take us all to a more loving, more understanding place. It is no simple thing to have your mother or mother-in-law talk about family relationships publicly. Let me make clear to all that my daughters-in-law are very good women! They make our sons deliciously happy, and this book is not about them. It is about me and about the issues with which mothers-in-laweven those lucky enough to know their daughters-in law are smart, kind, and thoughtfulsometimes find themselves struggling.

While this book focuses on being a mother and mother-in-law, it does not imply that fathers and fathers-in-law are unimportant. For me, my husband Michael is my anchor. He helps me stay grounded, lets me sound off when I need it, and loves all of us with an intensity that warms us deeply.

The stories in this book are, to the best of my knowledge, true. Names and details have been altered to provide privacy for the many people who spoke so candidly. On some occasions, I have blended peoples words when they spoke about similar things. The quoted words are rarely exact quotes but usually reconstructions from my memory and my notes. Aways, I have aimed to be true to the tone and the intent of the person speaking. In very few instances, stories came to me second or third hand.

Writing is a great clarifier. Writing this book helped me understand my feelings about being the mother of adults and the mother-in-law of the lovely women our sons married. I hope it helps others as well, because more love and less hurt can only be good for us and for the world.