Susan Abel Lieberman - Venus in Blue Jeans: Why Mothers and Daughters Need to Talk about Sex

Copyright 1998 by Nathalie Akin Bartle
All rights reserved

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.

www.hmhbooks.com

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Bartle, Nathalie.
Venus in blue jeans : why mothers and daughters need to talk about sex / Nathalie Bartle with Susan Lieberman.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references (p. ) and index.
ISBN 0-395-84172-0
1. Sex instruction for girlsUnited States. 2. Mothers and daughtersUnited States. 3. Communication and sexUnited States. 4. Communication in the familyUnited States. I. Lieberman, Susan Abel. II. Title.
HQ 51. B 29 1998
306.874'3 dc21 989619
CIP

e ISBN 978-0-544-10866-0
v1.1112

In memory of my mother,
Lurline Reaves Akin,
and for my daughter,
Katherine

I wish I could thank by name every mother and daughter who agreed to share something of their own relationships and experiences to make this book possible. For reasons of confidentiality, I cannot. Nevertheless, I will forever be grateful to all of these women for opening their minds and their hearts to me with the hope that their stories might help others. I also gratefully acknowledge the assistance I received from administrators, faculty, and staff at the two schools where my initial research was based.

I was most fortunate to have the wise and thoughtful guidance of faculty at Harvards Graduate School of Education and School of Medicine as I worked on my dissertation, which provided the core research for this book. My special thanks to Julius B. Richmond, M.D., who untiringly and unselfishly assisted me with many aspects of my learning at Harvard and who continued to encourage and provide professional and personal support throughout the writing of this book. Having the opportunity to be mentored by Julie Richmond has been a great blessing in my life.

I am deeply appreciative of Professor Robert A. LeVine, who served as my adviser throughout my graduate program. Bobs sensible advice, his understanding of human development in all its fullness, and his belief in the importance of this book continued to be a source of inspiration. I also gratefully acknowledge the creative ideas, encouragement, and support I have received from Professor Carol Gilligan. This book first took shape in Carols adolescent psychology course, and over a period of several years she has continued to support this work. Professor Sara Lawrence Lightfoot, an inspiring teacher and researcher, provided her wisdom and guidance, and I am grateful to her.

Barrie Van Dyck, my agent, was a driving force behind my work. A real inspiration, she never faltered in her efforts to bring about the publication of this book. My thanks to Barrie for her understanding, encouragement, and friendship.

I wish especially to acknowledge Susan Liebermans contributions to this work. She brought a fresh and creative pen to my research and writing as well as sage ideas to the content of the book. I am also indebted to Betsy Torg, who did an unbelievable job as my research assistant over the past eighteen months. Betsy was always willing to go the extra mile in tracking down information even as she carried out her responsibilities as a full-time student in the field of public health.

My colleagues and friends at Allegheny University of the Health Sciences School of Public Health, the Maternity Care Coalition, and the Office of Maternal and Child Health, all in Philadelphia, have been extremely helpful and encouraging. They unselfishly shared their time and expertise as I expanded my research and completed my writing. To them I express my appreciation.

I am thankful for the professional and personal support I received from my dear friends Cathy Gronewold and Edith Phelps. They were never too tired or too busy to listen, to offer ideas, and, finally, to read the full manuscript. To other colleagues and friends who held focus groups, who read the manuscript and provided supportive comments and encouragement I also say thank you: Paula Braverman, Hester Brooks, Robert Coles, Nancy Elfant, JoAnne Fischer, JoAnn Howard, Cherie Melino, Gail Murphy, Bob and Jan Randolph, Ann Smith, Chris Smith, Harold Straughn, Jim Taylor, and Marian Taylor.

Wendy Holt, my editor, was indefatigable in her support. Throughout the writing of this book she contributed her outstanding editing skills, her passion, her sensitivity, and her wisdom to help make it the best book possible. My deepest thanks to Wendy. It has been a delight to work with her and with my manuscript editor, Peg Anderson, as well as with other members of the Houghton Mifflin team.

And a heartfelt thanks to my family. The Akinsmy loving, supportive parents (George and Lurline), my brother and sister (Bud and Kathy), and their familiesand the Bartles, especially Louisa, Quartie, and Peter, have been behind me all the way on this project.

To my children and their spouses, Katherine and Bob and Jon and Christine, my two grandsons, Rex and James, and the voice of Jay, who kept saying Go for it, Mom, I thank you for listening to me, laughing with me, and always loving me as you shared in the ups and downs of my writing. Katherine is at the heart of this book, and I am deeply grateful (and indebted) for her willingness to become a true partner on a project that we thought could help other mothers and daughters.

Finally, I want to acknowledge from the bottom of my heart the untiring and enthusiastic support I received from my husband from beginning to end. His wisdom, his questions, his humor, and his reading of draft after draft all contributed immeasurably to the final product. Harveys constant encouragement and love have enabled me to write this book, and I am deeply thankful.

When my children were old enough to entrust with a house key, they sometimes arrived home from school before I returned from work. At least one day a week, though, I would try to be there when they rushed through the front door, hoping theyd share some end-of-the-day news. Jon, then a freshman in high school, would often return late from after-school sports and, until he unwound, was generally oblivious to my presence. Jay, the youngest, was eleven and liked to talk at bedtime. After school he blew in, searched for food, and usually blew right back out to kick around a soccer ball with his friends. The child most likely to sit and talk with me was my twelve-year-old daughter, Katherine. If I caught Katherine at the right moment, she would talk easily about school, friends, and her feelings and ask the kind of wide-ranging questions that only a twelve-year-old would dream of.

On the days when Katherine attended a voluntary after-school sex education class for eighth-grade students at her junior high school, I made a point of getting home early just in case the class led us, as it often did, into an easy talking time. On one of those afternoons, I was in the kitchen slicing tomatoes for a dinner salad when I heard the front door slam. Without a word, my daughter tossed her backpack onto the couch, came into the kitchen, and headed for the refrigerator. After grabbing an apple, she plopped down on a chair at the kitchen table and launched into her description of sex education: That class today was so gross! I cant believe they were talking to us about masturbation. That is so disgusting. My eyes stayed carefully focused on the tomato as my thoughts raced. How best to respond? I certainly didnt agree with Katherine, but how could I present a different, that is, a positive, perspective on masturbation? I remember being surprised at how uncomfortable I suddenly felt.