Chris Bell - The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide: Secrets and Strategies from Successful Couples Who Have Gone the Distance

Copyright 2006 by Chris Bell and Kate Brauer-Bell

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Belt, Chris, 1977
The long-distance relationship survival guide / Chris Bell and Kate Brauer-Bell.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-80903-2
1. Dating (Social customs) 2. Long-distance relationships. I. Brauer-Bell, Kate,
1972 II. Title.
HQ801.B385 2006
646.77dc22

2005026394

v3.1_r1

For our son, George, and for his brother or sister on the way. Near or far, we will always love you, and well always hold you in our hearts.

We would like to thank everyone who participated in the creation of this book, especially the many generous spirits who so openly shared their long-distance dating experiences with us. Situations presented in The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide are based on their real-life stories, although names and cities have been changed to protect individual identities, and in some cases, similar stories have been combined to illustrate a point.

In particular, wed like to thank Paula Arriagada and Darcy Hango, Kristin and John Misso, Matt Brauer, Stan and Sarie Keller, Kelly Tucker, Ken and Kirsten Albers, Wendy and Scott McGovern, Angela Martone, and Dan and Dawn Waugh, who shared long conversations with us over the course of writing this book, opening our eyes not only to the wide range of long-distance dating situations possible, but also to the commonalities in all our experiences.

We thank Todd and Kelley Ballish for helping us through tough times in our own long-distance dating relationship. Thanks also to Katey Brichto, Jack Kerley, Susan Gfroerer, Corson Hirschfeld, John Graham, and David Borcherding for all the expert editorial advice and encouragement. Thanks to Cindy Brauer, the worlds best grandma, for endless hours of babysitting while we finished our manuscript. Thanks to our agent, Debra Goldstein, and our editor, Brie Mazurek, for steering us through our first experience as authors. Most of all, thanks to Nicole Diamond Austin for believing in the need for this book and trusting that we were the people to write it.

Not every relationship is built to last. Lets face it, with divorce rates skyrocketing and the term commitment phobia entering its way into mainstream English, building a successful relationship seems trickier than ever. The foundation of any good relationship depends on one thing more than any other: how well the couple in question manages to navigate the trials they face along their journey together.

No other type of dating provides as much opportunity to test the strength of a relationships foundation as does dating long-distance. Thats because the normal challenges that face any dating couplegoal setting, communication, trust, interdependence, commitmentare magnified when partners live apart for one reason or another. If your relationship is strong enough to make it through a period of long-distance, chances are its strong enough to make it through a lot more.

We discovered the wisdom behind that statement firsthand during our own long-distance dating experience. When we started dating, we lived in cities over 450 miles apart. In fact, it was sheer coincidence that we met at all. Chris was traveling, visiting friends in Kates hometown. That chance meeting led to a year and a half of intercity dating, followed by relocation to the same city and, ultimately, a lifetime commitment.

Of course, dating long-distance wasnt always easy. From the start, we discovered challenges same-city couples never face: When could we see each other? Who would do the traveling? Would we date exclusively? Where would each of us stay during visits? How would we get to know each other with such limited time to spend?

To be honest, neither of us set out thinking it would be great to date someone who lived so far away. But even though we figured the odds were against us, we decided to give it a go, no matter what the outcome. We knew we were in for a bumpy ride, but we didnt care. There was that indescribable something between us wed not found in other relationships, and we knew we had to give the relationship a chance.

The real irony is that we had actually lived just a few blocks away from each other for more than a year and never knew it. We shopped at the same grocery, hung out at the same bookstore, and frequented the same restaurants. Our offices were within blocks of one another. To this day, we marvel that Chris had to move so far away just to meet the girl next door.

Today, when people ask the secret to our strong marriage, we always say, Living apart for the first year and a half of our relationship. This may seem like a tongue-in-cheek response, but we couldnt be more serious about the matter. As we watch many of our friends relationships fall victim to the everyday challenges of communication, trust, and time management, were forever grateful we had the opportunity to get to know each other so well with so many miles between us. Happily married, we realize we might not have gotten to this point together had we not faced the challenges of a long-distance relationship. From the start, we learned to be better listeners and compassionate friends. We learned the meaning of trust and the depth of real commitment.

The nineteen months we spent dating long-distance taught us much more about relationships than we ever could have learned had we only dated in the same city. The skills we built in those months have made a lasting, positive impact on the relationship we have today. Long-distance dating was our secret to marriage success!

Unfortunately, dating across the miles wasnt as perfect as it may sound. In fact, it quickly presented a unique set of problems and challenges. We found ourselves dealing with countless misunderstandings, problems negotiating time spent together and apart, and issues revolving around effective long-distance communication. We looked for books on long-distance dating but couldnt find any that were practical or helpful in a substantial way. We wanted tactics. We wanted strategies. We wanted inside advice.

Not finding what we needed in books, we turned to other couples who had experienced long-distance relationships. All at once it seemed we were meeting more and more people whod spent time going the distance before settling down. We met people whod had unsuccessful long-distance relationships, to be sure, but we also met many whose relationships had succeeded. In fact, we met numerous married couples who, at one point or another, had to endure a period of living far apart. Everywhere we turned, we discovered couples who knew firsthand the joys and frustrations of dating across the miles.