Steven Ashley - The Long-Distance Dad: How You Can Be There for Your Child-Whether Divorced, Deployed, Or On-The Road.

The
LONG
DISTANCE
DAD

How You Can Be There for
Your ChildWhether Divorced,
Deployed, or on the Road

STEVEN ASHLEY, Founder, Divorced Fathers Network
with Philip S. Hall, Ph.D.

Coyright 2008 by Steven Ashley
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any
form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are
made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, an F+W Publications Company
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-59869-441-3
ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-441-3
eISBN: 978-1-44051-468-5

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a
Committee of the American Bar Association and
a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

Dedicated to the thousands of long-distance dads
I spoke with during the past twenty years.

Your commitment to your children is inspiring.

Acknowledgments

First and foremost, I am indebted to my wife, Susanher support of my efforts to assist fathers has never wavered. She has listened to my ideas, offered suggestions, and assisted me in completing my goals. I will be forever grateful.

The volunteers in the Divorced Fathers Network have my respect and appreciation. Their willingness to teach co-parenting skills, free of charge, to both fathers and mothers enables more parents to be involved in their childrens lives; in turn, families and communities are happier and healthier.

Many thanks to Paula Munier, her understanding of the importance of fathers to children and family made this book possible. If every person understood, with her passion, how important fathers are to children, there would be more resources available to fathers.

Finally, thanks to all my friends and family who listen to my stories of Long-Distance Dads and their struggles. It is almost assured that wherever I go, there will be discussion of fathers and the need for them. Not one of my friends or family members has ever said, Enough already. Maybe that affirms the fact that fathers are important.

Contents

CONCLUSION
Fathers Forever

APPENDIX A
Suggested Reading and Additional Resources

APPENDIX B
Predeployment Contingency Forms

APPENDIX C
Family Law

Becoming a
Long-Distance Dad

SO YOURE A LONG-DISTANCE DAD. WHAT IS a long-distance dad? Who is a long-distance dad? Put simply, long-distance dads are men who find themselves in one place and their children in another. This book is for fathers determined to raise emotionally resilient, psychologically stable, confident, and independent children.

The Many Faces of Long-Distance Parenting

Youre already a good father. Now you can be a great father no matter where you are because you bought this book. Note that the phrase is long-distance parenting, not long-distance fathering. Think about the difference between the words father and mother. Now think of these words as verbs, rather than as nouns. Language is a culture carrier, and as such, it reflects our biases, our perceptions of the world around us, many of them ingrained and unconscious.

In English, fathering a child means little more than having sex with the mother so that she, in turn, conceives a child. Now think about the difference between the verb form of father and the verb form of mother. According to Websters Dictionary, the word father, when used as a verb, means to beget. On the other hand, the word mother is defined as to care for, or protect like a mother.

So, according to the unconscious shorthand of the English language, fathers have sex for procreation, and mothers raise children. Add to this the relatively twentieth-century notion that fathers are breadwinners, and mothers are nurturers, and youve got a recipe for the irrelevancy of the modern male in child rearing.

How ironic that the last decade or so of the twentieth century gave rise to the notion that women, who had been entering the workforce in larger and larger numbers during the previous half century, had now begun an exodus back out of the ranks of the employed once theyd had a child. As recently as July 2007, articles with titles such as Full-Time Work Losing Luster for Moms appeared in newspapers like the Washington Post. Imagine the hue and cry if you substituted the word Dads for Moms. If you are one of those who winced at the notion of cutting back on your workday in order to help parent your children, then this book is written with you in mind. This is true whether youre divorced, whether youre married with kids and on the road all the time, whether youre incarcerated, or whether youre in the military and deployed away from your children.

The reason why this book is for you is because it will help you re-educate that portion of your brain that hangs almost all of your self-worth on the notion of successful breadwinning. For example, it may have never occurred to you to take some time off from work in order to help raise your kids, but try looking at it another way: imagine that less time spent earning a living is the price of building a stronger bond with your kids. What father in his right mind would want to forego that?!

This sort of trade-off is not as uncommon as you might otherwise think. The days of the old stereotype of fathers not being as important a part of the parenting process are over. Long-distance fathers come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life, and from every age. Examples of this type of long-distance dad include business travelers, twenty-first century road warriors, men either climbing or already atop the corporate ladder; divorced, noncustodial parents; fathers in the armed forces; traveling salespeople; bus drivers; truckers; professional athletes; musicians and entertainers. This broad umbrella also includes physically or psychologically challenged parents; disabled parents; grandparents; incarcerated dads; and any other guys who have to be away from their children for a week, a month, or in some cases, for even longer.

If youre a divorced parent (and with the current rate of divorce in this country currently sitting at over two million per year, there are more and more of you every day), you know that the trend is toward divorce and physical relocation of children (away from one of their parents), not away from the idea of parents and children staying together. And with issues such as child support and the need to continue to parent with your former spouse even after the divorce becomes final, you need all the help you can get. After all, just because youre divorced from your ex doesnt mean that you want to have an ex-kid.