P.C. Anders - Lingam and Yoni Massage: A Safe Sex, Anti-War, and Economic Recovery Tool

Lingam and Yoni Massage

A Safe Sex, Anti-War, and EconomicRecovery Tool

P.C. Anders

Copyright 2011, 2016 P.C. Anders

All rights reserved.

This edition updated October 2016

Without limiting the rights under copyrightreserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced,stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, inany form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying,recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission ofboth the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.

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Cover design by Janie Lescueta.

Image credit: wisky/ 123RF Stock Photo

This short public interest book is meant forliberal, non-pc persons who enjoy sexual-political writing with atouch of satire; it is highly priapic: meaning, it is aboutwhat we live for: our penises and vaginas, or lingams and yonis.Yes, the answers to our political, social, and economicproblemsthe keys to saving the world trillions ofdollarslie between our legs.

(Note: The cover design presents ahumorous look at a possible position in which lingam and oryoni massage could be administered, saving a few trillion dollarsfor mankind; it is not the officially recommended position.This book may have some language not suitable for children orpuritanical adults, and other language unsuitable forMartians.)

Lingams and Yonis being this books featuredstars, this book is unsuitable for children, prudes, and thepolitically correct, though eminently suitable for the young atheart and those with a sense of humor: the immoral majority. Thecertified yoni content of this book is significantly lower than itslingam content, for which imbalance the author apologizes from thebottom of his unworthy male heart.

This short book is intended as a giftof laughter to you or to a friend, and also to all those whogenuinely wish to save the planet are completely and trulyopen-minded.

This book is dedicated to the cause oferasing the dangerous worldwide tilt, in the massage world, towardslingams, and of ensuring justice and fairness for the yonis of the99 percent across the world, thus increasing the planets GrossNational Happiness.

It is also dedicated to Peace on Earth, andan Obamacare Plus/EU/NHS Plan that guarantees free universal lingamand yoni massages to all humans, in addition to making the worldsafe for them.

[To be read with a bucket of salt and threelarge scoops of irony]

[Note: lingam=Sanskrit for dick.Yoni=Sanskrit for pussy.]

Imagine : ThePresident of the United States, along with 170 other heads of stateacross the universe (along with Malaysian airline pilots, WallStreet traders, five-star generals, North Korean dictators,Ayatollahs, black-robed zealots, and others who hold countlessprecious lives in their hands), prepares for his/herconstitutionally mandated Daily Lingam (or Yoni)Massage.

Its notjust the President, though; everyone in line for the U.S.Presidency, including the Vice President (accompanied by the ViceSquad) and the House Speaker (whether or not he/she has a boner, aBoehner, or a lady boner), have their raging boners (or ladyboners) temporarily put to a happy sleep at the hands of Jasminesassociates, who are protected by the Constitution, which prohibitslingam recipients from grabbing their kitties.

Jasmineand her team, who hail from East and Southeast Asia, and whounderwent a gruelling selection process before being chosen forthis elite assignment, happily await the President. They receive aconstitutionally mandated salary of a hundred thousand a year formassaging the First Lingam (or FirstYoni). Their salary, though, is small changecompared to the millions they will make on their memoirs once theyand the President are out of office. Contemplated titles for thesememoirs: Hail to the Chiefs Chief and Will the Real Prez X Please Stand Up?

And theworld is at peace, governments never shut down (though theirecstatic leaders do shut up for longer than before), no childrenare hungry anywhere on the planet, and no child is left behindwithout a meal or a PlayStation; AIDS, terrorism, global warming, and prostatecancer have been wiped out, and airplanes do not mysteriouslyvanish from the sky. Would-be jihadis have been persuaded that afew thousand le petit morts on earth are far preferable to the dubious seventy-sevenVirgins in Heaven. Guns and missiles have been melted to constructbridges and school buildings.

It isJohn Lennons Imagine scenario, accomplished not by a song...but by an idea contained in a little book by an obscure author whorealized that for the world to sleep in Heavenly Peace, what itneeds is not some syrupy Christmas carol, but a Plan to make theworlds lingams and yonis (yes, vulvas, those gorgeous boats ofheaven) sleep in Heavenly Peace:

Lingam and Yoni Massage : A Safe Sex, Antiwar, and EconomicRecovery Tool

I t was only whenI accidentally stumbled upon the Great Filipino Lingam MassageDebate that I realized that professional lingam massage was anexclusive specialty like cardiology, neurosurgery, or rocketscience. Indeed, it was a Rocket Science for Pocket Rockets, ascience dominated not by grey-haired men in wire-rimmed glasses andsinister goatees, but by the dainty Priestesses of the Holy Rod andof the two-lipped Love Boat.

Andthough it is joyful news for the worlds joysticks, lingam massageis not some variantof abusing the wicked stick, adjusting the antenna, beating themeat, cranking the love pump, greasing the three-legged cow,jerking the gherkin, milking the Magic Johnson, Lubricating theLove Monkey, or choking the chicken ( Choking the Chicken! Whoever came up with this expression notonly had a twisted mind, but a shitload of chicken skeletons in hiscloset, Ill bet).

Lingammassage is not thetraditional Happy Ending for Mr. Happy, either; nor is it asmoke, or a karaoke special (Southeast Asian slang words forblowjobs).

So what is professional lingammassage, anyway, that it had the powerful Philippines RomanCatholic Church, led by its pink-capped generals, training itsheavy artillery at delicate Filipina belles? (The Philippines, acountry of romantic islands and sparkling white-sand beaches, alsohouses some of the worlds sexiest women, who must coexist with BigBrother the Church, which is watching their yonis, and has bannedthe underground book, Our Yonis, Ourselves.)

The website of Article Doctor explains: TheTantra lingam massage is a spiritual tradition, which hadits origin in India. Hence, tantra [is] a form of yoga.

Yoga to discipline the notoriously unrulybaby basher, the heat-seeking moisture missile? Now that makessense its a no-boner... I mean, a no-brainer! Though twentyyears of solitary yogic meditation in the midst of the SaharaDesert on a diet of boiled brown rice and stale tofu might provemore effective in taming the Bald One-eyed Yogurt Slinger.

Even as the West squanders its brainpower todevelop billion-dollar jet fighters whose airbags explode ontakeoff, it is the East, in countries like Singapore, Malaysia, andthe Philippines, that is concentrating on perfecting the art ofpleasure: specifically, the science of Lingam Massage (whosesecrets ought to be buried in a phallus-shaped time capsule forfuture generations).

Thanks to the Internet, You Tube, andairplanes, however, lingam massage could soon find its way toyour backyard.

As another website explains: The goal is tomassage the lingam, also including testicles, perineum, and SacredSpot (prostate) externally, allowing the man to surrender to a formof pleasure he may not be accustomed to.