Susan RoAne - What Do I Say Next?: Talking Your Way to Business and Social Success

Copyright 1997 by Susan RoAne

All rights reserved.

Warner Books, Inc., Hachette Book Group, 237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

A Time Warner Company

First eBook Edition: August 1997

ISBN: 978-0-446-93034-5

Book design and composition by L&G McRee

ALSO BY SUSAN ROANE

How to Work a Room

The Secrets of Savvy Networking

TO MY FRIENDS

:whose words have woven the fabric of our friendship

TO DR. GERALDINE ALPERT

:whose wisdom, words, and laughter gave rise to the evolution of this Susan

Writing a book on talking meant I was so busy writing that I often couldn't have extensive conversations with people. Nevertheless, no book is a solitary effort and I am deeply grateful to those who helped with this one.

Thanks to my audiences, clients, colleagues, and network for their assistance, support, insights, and ideas and for the time they took for surveys, interviews, and laughter. Thanks, too, to those of you who said, Of course, you're the perfect person to write a book on conversation!

My heartfelt gratitude and love to my friends. Each of you brainstormed and birthed the book with me:

Becky Gordon for translating the handwritten hieroglyphics without a Rosetta stone and for those discussions about transitive verbs and the like :for editing and editing, and for the Gordon Giggle Test.

Lana Teplick for longtime best friendship and the Oh Wow! That's great! every time I finished another chapter. And especially for first-draft feedback.

Joyce (Mumsy) Siegel for time, encouragement, laughter, and love.

Carl LaMell (the Boss) for business advice, friendship, and for bringing the voice of reason into my dual-career worldand for giving direction to this book.

Patricia Fripp for being a mentor, role model, speaker extraordinaire, and friend.

Lois Vieira, longtime friend, whose perspective has contributed to my growth and who has taught me a few signs ; to help me communicate.

Sherwood Cummins, personal trainer and minister, for talking me through the book while ministering to my muscles.

Michael LeBoeuf, for being a friend and matchmaker with Artie Pine.

Carol Costello, sculptor, editor, friend, and fellow fighting Illini.

Merci, muchas gracias, todah rabah, grazie, danke sch of you who have allowed me to quote and share you and your stories with audiences and readers. (And once again, thanks to the irksome conversationalists who provided tips on what not to say or do.)

Thanks to the crews at Spinelli's Coffee Company for double decaf espresso Depth Charges that charged me up to write from the depth of my soul.

To Gabriella Castenetto for being the messenger service and rescue squad.

To Syl, David, Dan, P.J., John, Diane, Shelly, Michael, Lisa, Marcie, Gert, Shirley, Patrick, and Beej. You each know your contribution to the conversation of my life. And to Lil and the late Nate, my parents, may you continue to kvell (see Glossary) in your conversations wherever you may be.

And to the SkovsTerri, Pete, Patrick, and Shayne for support, love, hugs, and for grounding Grandma Susan. Especially to Terri, who said, Get your pencil, go into the dining room, and start writing a chapter about this event. I did.

And to my favorite nanny, Fran Drescher, for my weekly dose of hilarity (and Yiddish).

Thanks to my editor formerly at Warner Books, Joann Davis, who believed the world needed and was ready for my book on conversation. And to my agent, Artie Pine, so respected and admired in the world of publishing.

And to you, the book buyers, the readers :the people who really made this book possible. Nice chatting with you, and thanks!

AN OPEN LETTER TO MISS KELLY

Dear Miss Kelly,

I really liked your first grade a lot. You were a very good and nice teacher. Except you gave me lots of red checks on my report card because I didn't keep profitably busy. I was restless, but my work was always done before I left my seat to talk to my classmates.

Then you told my mother that I should skip second grade, but that you wouldn't double-promote me because I talked too much to my friends during class.

Miss Kelly, I still talk a lotand really profitably. I still talk to Barry P., Shelly E., Esther F., and Judy L.and now I get to share in this book some of those red check strategies that have served me so well.

I am glad you were nice and did not kill my spirit.

Sincerely,

Susan RoAne

(4th row, 2nd seat)

PS: I liked second grade anyway.

The art of conversation is not going to die. It may change, expand, or move to new locationsbut it is not going to die. We are now talking in the bleachers, in coffeehouses, in book clubs, and on-line. Conversation is the core of communication, the key component in leadership and overall success.

Verbal fluency is linked to success in many ways: giving speeches, on the phone, face-to-face, video conferencing, participation in meetings, and conversations in both business and in social/business situations. These conversations are the focus of this book.

The Verbal Edge provides the keys to converse with ease in many circumstances: board retreats, client meetings, trade shows, fund-raisers and the myriad social occasions we attend in our personal lives. It also offers the phrases, thoughts and scripts for those difficult situations in life where we are called upon to give words of comfort, empathy and support. And it includes a compendium of ice-melters, which bridge communication gaps and build rapport and relationships.

Think of the most congenial, easygoing conversationalist you know. What is it that makes him or her so easy to talk to? How do you feel, respond, and act around these ConverSensations? What do they do? What do they say? Would you like to converse as confidently as they do and be as comfortable as they are in conversation?

The good news is that we already have the tools to do thisWORDS! The even better news is that successful, confident conversation is possible for all of us. It is within our reach as long as we prepare, practice, pay attention to and respect others, and make a personal commitment to developing our conversational prowess.

Even shyness doesn't have to hold us back. Eighty-eight percent of us self-identify as shy in one form or another, according to Dr. Philip Zimbardo, author of Shyness: What It Is, What to Do About It. Being shy just means that we are reluctant or uncomfortable in conversationnot that we are incompetent. This book provides insights, ideas, tips, and techniques that can make anyone a ConverSensation.

In preparing this book, I conducted an extensive survey on conversation among CEOs, senior executives, ConverSensations, and great communicators from all walks of life, age groups, professions, and geographical areas to find out what works for them. These people cover the waterfront. They are software geniuses, insurance magnates, scientists, clergy, academics, Ph.D.s, M.D.s, L.L.B.s, C.P.A.s, and O.G.P.s (Other Great People).

There are no hard and fast rules about conversation at least none that really work. We can't do quantitative scientific double-blind studies to produce conversation formulas that work every time, because every conversation is fluid and unique to those people, that time, and that place. Conversation is a function of who is involved, what is happening for each person at that particular

moment in time, the chemistry between them, and the lifetime experiences of everybody in the conversation.