Wajahat Ali - Go Back to Where You Came From: And Other Helpful Recommendations on How to Become American

Go Back to Where
You Came From

And Other Helpful
Recommendations on
How to Become American

Wajahat Ali

For Ibrahim, Nusayba, Khadija, and the
next generation of Amreekans.

Contents

Go Back to Where You Came From

Fan Mail #1: Go back to where you came from!

Fremont, California? Id love to, but I cant afford the rent. Im priced out. (Damn you, tech overlords!) Cursed be my fate. Oh, if only I had listened to Mother and become a doctor instead. (Silent weeping.) Thank you, though, I appreciate the helpful recommendation!

Fan Mail #2: Why dont you shut up and go fuck a goat, you Moslem terrorist!

Always with the goats and camels. Why limit my options? Two legs good, four legs good. But, no thank you, Im happily married to a woman. Also, its *Muslim* terrorist. Unless youre referring to muslin, which is a versatile cotton fabric originally hailing from Mosul, Iraq, and typically has not been associated with overt acts of violent extremism. Nonetheless, I appreciate the helpful recommendation.

Fan Mail #3: Your a real smart-ass, Gandhi.

My parents are from Pakistan, not India, but it was all one country pre-Partition, so Ill allow it. Also, thank you for comparing me to a beloved icon of nonviolent resistance who helped overthrow British imperialism. But Gandhi was also racist and a proponent of the oppressive caste system, so even Gandhi had much self-work to do on his path toward progress. Still, I appreciate the helpful compliment. *Youre welcome.

Fan Mail #4: You... are literally the biggest fucking race baiting, scumbag, loser moron on the face of the planet. Thanks for guaranteeing Trumps reelection though. Go fuck yourself clown.

Trust me, if I could, I would. As a teenager, I tried, but I eventually gave up. I appreciate you referring to me as the biggest fucking race baiting... moron. For so long, I was runner-up. A Salieri to all the Mozarts of the race-hustling game. But now the student has become the master. Thank you for noticing. I appreciate you using the word literally the way it was, literally, meant to be used. Also, Trump lost.

Fan Mail #5: You speak so well and you are actually a moderate and not a radical!

Thank you! I also actually read well, am lactose intolerant, and am only wanted in three states. We moderates are an endangered species, but we few who remain try to be civil.

The Best Fan Mail: I saw you agitating for a race war against White people (European-descended people). What are you waiting for, little man? Your people have accomplished nothing. Backwards goat fuckers. Its telling that you would rather invade White spaces and live off White cultural capital than return to your own ancestral lands and try to make a difference there. No, you are just a parasite.... We are onto you, you degenerate mud. We know your game.

You have a good day.

Cordially,

Brock Strongballs

College Conservatives

Dear Mr. Strongballs,

I am in awe.

After reading, and rereading, this inspired masterpiece, I had to pause and collect myself. I felt like a lady from the Antebellum South, flushed and out of breath, muttering Oh, my and fanning herself upon receiving a most generous compliment from a slaveholding gentleman with amorous intentions. One of your heroes, or ancestors, I imagine.

I remain floored by the profundity and depth of this epic missive that has serendipitously graced my in-box. It is indeed The Odyssey of fan mails, Mr. Strongballs, and I assure you I am no man of hyperbole or flattery! Your prose sings like the Sirens and drives me mad with desire.

In honor of your elegant, incisive thoughts, allow me, with the limited capacity afforded to me and my fellow mud people, to retort to your poetry:

Mr. Strongballs, you begin with an assumption, a compliment, and a question:

I saw you agitating for a race war against White people (European-descended people). What are you waiting for, little man?

Thank you. I have indeed lost a lot of weight since childhood and no longer wear Husky pants. However, you are far too kind. I am by no means little and can afford to lose the dad bod.

I am neither agitating for nor plotting a race war against the White people, whom you have helpfully defined as the European-descended people. In fact, some of my favorite people are white people, especially the European-descended kind. My preferred white people are the Moderate Whites of European descent.

I assume you had a small typo and meant rice war, correct? Indeed, in the spirit of camaraderie, I will wager my basmati against your gruel.

Your people have accomplished nothing.

Contrary to popular belief, we left-handed people are a highly productive and successful minority who have left a mark on history with our southpaw. My people include US presidents, such as my Muslim brother, President Barack Hussein Obama, and legendary thespian, President Ronald Reagan. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RIP RBG) banged her gavel with the left hand, author and Americas lasting conscience James Baldwin wrote with his left as well, and Jimi Hendrix shredded The Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock. We helped influence Western and European civilization with the likes of Alexander the Great, Charlemagne (the emperor, not tha God), Julius Caesar, and Napoleon Bonaparte, whose humiliating loss nonetheless inspired a catchy ABBA classic. With the left hand, my people even painted God as a naked white man on the Sistine Chapel, something I know youd appreciate.

Backwards goat fuckers.

I had never imagined backwards goat sex. Is it similar to reverse cowgirl? You seem like an expert, so I hope you dont mind me asking.

Its telling that you would rather invade White spaces and live off White cultural capital than return to your own ancestral lands and try to make a difference there.

It is true. I have spent some time at Whole Foods, admiring the endless selection of artisanal cheeses and overpriced, organic fruit spreads. I once entered an Abercrombie & Fitch at the Valley Fair Mall, but I assure you I only window-shopped. I purchased nothing! I do not put raisins in my potato salad and have yet to own a single pair of cargo shorts. However, I do confess to enjoying the first two seasons of Girls and owning (and loving) a Sarah McLachlan CD. So, you got me there. As I told an earlier fan, I would love to move back to my ancestral land of the Bay Area, California, but only if you can help subsidize my rent.

No, you are just a parasite...

Thank you! Parasites get a bad rap, but did you know some of us actually help protect the host from infections, diseases, and ailments? In the case of America, we protect this country from eating bland food, doing manual labor, competing in spelling competitions, driving around NYC, engineering, performing their own surgeries, economic collapse, and making fools out of themselves when they attempt to wear a sari without guidance.

We are onto you, you degenerate mud.

Are two people writing this email now? Or are you using the imperial we? If so, we is the color of mud, so we appreciate you noticing. Degenerate? Please. We is married. Dont talk dirty to us. (You saucy minx!)

We know your game.