Haywood Smith - The Twelve Sacred Traditions of Magnificent Mothers-In-Law

Praise for the novels of Haywood Smith

Hilarious and wise.

Dorothea Benton Frank

A veritable gold mine of Southern homespun homilies where the Ya Ya Sisterhood would feel right at home.

Booklist

Strong characters and irrepressible wit; snapshots of Southern living will charm even the hardest-hearted Yankee.

Publishers Weekly

Quotes from Haywood Smiths Ladies of the Lake

The only people who ought to get married are the ones who absolutely, positively cant help it.

Plan all you want, but God has a sense of humor.

When it comes to love, give me a good dose of illusion every time.

The Twelve Sacred Traditions of Magnificent Mothers-in-Law

by

Haywood Smith

BelleBooks, Inc.

Copyright

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead), events or locations is entirely coincidental.

BelleBooks
PO BOX 300921
Memphis, TN 38130
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-935661-38-2
Print ISBN: 978-0-9821756-0-6

Copyright 2009 by Haywood Smith

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

Visit our websites www.BelleBooks.com and www.BellBridgeBooks.com.

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Cover design: Debra Dixon
Interior design: Hank Smith
Interior artwork: Haywood Smith
Cover artwork: Victoria Shaad / Dreamstime.com

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Dedication

This book is dedicated to my gorgeous, amazing daughter-in-law Courtney

Haywood Smith

The Twelve Sacred Traditions of Magnificent Mothers-in-Law is a very Southern mother-in-laws humorous advice to mothers-in-law everywhere, including tried and tested tips on:

How to Bite Your Tongue

Minding Your Own Business

Why You Shouldnt Tell his New Bride about that Time in Third Grade When He Threw Up on Stage while Playing a Sheep in the Christmas Pageant

And much more!

Haywood Smiths Southern novel, The Red Hat Club , made the New York Times bestseller list. The Red Hat Club Rides Again debuted at #26 on the New York Times list. The paperback edition of Queen Bee of Mimosa Branch appeared on both the USA Today s list and the New York Times extended bestseller list. Wedding Belles , Smiths most recent novel, was released in September 2008 from St. Martins Press, New York. Wedding Belles was selected as one of the best audio books of 2008 by Publishers Weekly.

Visit Haywood at www.haywoodsmith.net

The Twelve Sacred Traditions of Magnificent Mothers-in-Law

Mothers-in-Law Anonymous

We the official and unofficial members of Mothers-in-law Anonymous, in order to form a more perfect union with our married children and their spouses, to establish tolerance, insure domestic tranquility, disprove all those bad-mother-in-law jokes, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of our sons- and daughters-in-law, do ordain and establish these Twelve Sacred Traditions for Magnificent Mothers-in-law for ourselves and our posterity.

No animals were injured in the production of these traditions, but an entire tray of sandwiches from Henris Bakery in Atlanta and a jumbo jug of sunny ros were consumed, followed by a box of clairs and some really nice Kona coffee.

Though half of us had bad mothers-in-law, and a few had some seriously sad mothers-in-law, weve done our best to keep our guidelines positive.

In the interest of flow and brevity, weve used the term DILs (daughters-in-law) to designate our childrens spouses or significant others, but all traditions apply equally to SILs (sons-in-law). And FILs (fathers-in-law) as well as MILs (mothers-in-law). If thats confusing, turn off the TV, your cell phone, and your video game, then reread this paragraph at least four times. Were never too old to learn.

Tradition One:

Magnificent MILs Cut the Apron Strings

Suddenly, you cant direct their lives anymore.

We love our children, yes we doeven if we dont like them. But once those children are married, Magnificent MILs realize that we must officially retire when it comes to directing their lives. This is as it should be, and not quite the sacrifice you might think. Retired people still have all their skills; they just dont have to go to work anymore. When specifically requested, though, they can still do consulting.

Its the same with rearing our kids. The minute the justice of the peace or the clergyman or the shaman says, I now pronounce you, our motherly molding-and-shaping skills go pouf! and transform instantaneously intogaspmeddling and nagging.

Magnificent MILs understand this and move on.

The newlyweds have each other now. Regardless of how poorly they might be managing, they have to make adjustments and learn their lessons for themselves. We cannot do it for them, and they will resent us if we try. Allow me to repeat that: they will resent us if we try.

Its imperative that we stop trying to tell them what to do when they havent asked for our advice. Though we have our childrens best interests at heart, any unsolicited advice (the key word being unsolicited ) qualifies as interference. We have to let go, scary as that is.

Even when a cherished son has married an emaciated pincushion of a DIL (daughter-in-law) who has a tongue stud and maroon hair, and was introduced by her roommates cocaine dealer.

Or when a precious daughter (shudder) goes starry-eyed at the prospect of becoming bride number three for her fathers alcoholic best friend.

Even if they lease a gas-guzzling SUV for five years, with only ten thousand miles a year allotted.

Let them learn from their mistakes.

Even if they use the money they saved by getting food stamps to go on a Caribbean cruise.

Even when they mark their bodies like the heathens and/or get assorted metal objects inserted into their anatomies.

Even when they work all the time and live in a small apartment, but get a Great Dane puppy anyway, then dont have time to train it properly. (We are not, however, required to do it for them, or to dog sit.)

Even when they decide to go to the other inlaws for Christmas. (Choke. Sob.)

The exception that proves the rule: The one time this rule doesnt apply is when there might be abuse involved. A Magnificent MIL never turns a blind eye to evidence that indicates abuse, even if it points to her own child.

If a MIL has good reason to suspect this serious problem in any form, she wont share her suspicions with anybody until shes consulted with a local shelter or agency to get solid information about the best course of action.