Elisabeth Graham - Mothers-in-Law vs. Daughters-in-Law: Let There Be Peace

Copyright 2010 by Elisabeth Graham and

Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City

ISBN 978-0-8341-2582-7

Printed in the

United States of America

Cover Design: Darlene Filley

Internal Design: Sharon Page

All Scripture quotations not otherwise indicated are from the New American Standard Bible (NASB), copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission.

Permission to quote from the following additional copyrighted versions of the Bible is acknowledged with appreciation:

The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

The New King James Version (NKJV). Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 Thomas Nelson, Inc.

The Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT), copyright 1996, 2004, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

The Message (TM). Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002, NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Library of Congress

Graham, Elisabeth, 1951

Mothers-in-law vs. daughters-in-law : let there be peace / by Elisabeth Graham.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-8341-2532-2 (pbk.)

1. Mothers-in-law. 2. Daughters-in-law. 3. Interpersonal relationsReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

HQ759.25.G73 2010

248.8'435dc22

2010006243

This book is for my mother-in-law, who was both the death of me and the life of me as we struggled to find our way through the complicated process of being in-laws.

It is also for my beautiful and wonderful daughters-in-law, who made the word in-law one of the most precious words in the English language. I am unspeakably grateful to call them my daughters-in-law.

Contents

It was the second night of the retreat for a group of women gathered in central Oregon. The first evening had been spent unwinding and switching gears from wife-and-mother mode to just-us-girls mode. Now we were curled up cozily on couches and chairs that we had pulled close to the fireplace where a crackling fire encouraged easy conversation. The floor-to-ceiling windows on either side of the fireplace exposed the darkened forest outside where silvery, full-moon shadows illuminated deep snowdrifts.

Typical of women, our conversationregardless of the subjectcircled in and out and around our families. At one point the subject of mothers-in-law came up, and there was a universal groan.

Oh, my! laughed one woman, I have a mother-in-law story to end all stories! Soon everyone was telling storieseach more outrageous than the other. Our laughter grew more raucous until we were gasping for breath.

Our hilarity was abruptly extinguished by the young woman next to me. I wish I could laugh about my mother-in-law, she said in a quavering voice. I know I should love her, but the truth isI hate her! Her quiet tears escalated into uncontrollable sobs.

We quickly reached out to comfort her, and several of us tried to offer advice for dealing with her mother-in-law. As the mother of sons, I listened with sadness. Of the seventeen women present, only two had decent relationships with their mother-in-law. This didnt bode well for me!

Unfortunately, the sad statistic revealed within this small group is not unusual. In a national poll taken of women regarding their in-law relationship, seventy percent stated dissatisfaction. Their responses ranged from the extreme of I wish she were dead to a milder Im glad she doesnt visit us.

The fact that you are holding this book in your hands probably means you, too, fall within this seventieth percentile. I know I do. The disturbing aspect of this poll is that it was taken of women like you and medecent women who were talking about other decent women. I doubt that the woman responsible for making her in-law wish her dead is an evil woman. In every other social circle she is probably well-liked, with friends and peers who think highly of her and enjoy her company. Her in-law just isnt one of them.

If we could be objective for a moment, I think most of us would admit that if we were connected to our in-law in any way other than marriage, we would have far less difficulty with her. It is the marriage connection that magnifies our differences into intolerable proportions.

Had I met my mother-in-law at work or at church, I doubt we would have butted heads. Instead, when we met, I was holding her sons hand. Twelve months later, when he and I were exchanging our wedding vows, I had no inkling that swords had just been drawn in an ongoing battle over turf that would take me to the very edge of breaking those vows. I was unprepared for the conflict that ignited as a result of my marriage to her sonor the depth of emotion it provoked on both sides.

Thirty-some years later, life brought me full circle. One morning I woke up to realize there were now two young women looking at me as I once looked at my mother-in-law. To my surprise, things looked a bit different from this side of the equation. However, I was determined not to get caught up in the same conflict with them that Id experienced with my mother-in-law.

In preparation for this book I interviewed countless women about their relationships with their mothers-in-law or daughters-in-law. I discovered that almost without exception the women who enjoyed successful relationships with their in-laws shared one key ingredient. In each case one of the women gave a gift to the other woman.

For most of them, it was not given easily, but through a determination of the will. I discovered, too, that it didnt matter whether the giver was the younger or older woman. To my surprise, it didnt even seem to matter if the gift was acknowledgedin the beginning of the relationship it often was not. It just mattered that one of the women was willing to give it.

I am not sure how you came to be in possession of this book. I dont know if you found it on your own or if it was given to you by a friend whos familiar with your struggle. Maybe your in-law gave it to you! (If thats the case, I would dearly love to have a cup of coffee with you so I could hear the rest of that story.) Nonetheless, however you got it, Im glad you did. As you turn the pages you will meet many other women who know exactly how youre feeling. Some have chosen to embrace their misery. Others, and I suspect youre one, are ready to disarm the conflict, for your own sake and for your familys sake.

Its because of my daughters-in-law, Isabella and Margarita, that I wrote this book. When they came into my life I made the decisiondetermined in my heartthat I would avoid the devastating conflict with them that I experienced with my mother-in-law. Whatever it took, I would never make them feel as though swords had been drawn and sides must be taken. I purposed that, with God enabling me, I would develop a relationship of mutual respect and affection with both young women.

For the most part its been easy. Other times, in complete innocence, I have overstepped my bounds and had to do some fast backpedaling. Its these times that elicit unexpected empathy for my mother-in-law, an emotion I never expected to feel. But I remain resolved to be the one to give the giftto my mother-in-law and to my daughters-in-law.