Ruth Fox - Within the White Lines: How the Beautiful Game Saved My Life

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Trigger is a trading style of Shaw Callaghan Ltd & Shaw Callaghan 23 USA, INC.

The Foundation Centre

Navigation House, 48 Millgate, Newark

Nottinghamshire NG24 4TS UK

www.triggerpublishing.com

Copyright Ruth Fox 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means,
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior
permission in writing from the publisher

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available upon request
from the British Library

ISBN: 978-1-912478-60-6

This book is also available in the following e-Book formats:

MOBI: 978-1-912478-63-7

EPUB: 978-1-912478-61-3

PDF: 978-1-912478-62-0

AUDIO: 978-1-912478-64-4

Ruth Fox has asserted her right under the Copyright,
Design and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

Cover design and typeset by Fusion Graphic Design Ltd

Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, Elcograf S.p.A.

Paper from responsible sources

www.triggerpublishing.com

Thank you for purchasing this book.
You are making an incredible difference.

Proceeds from all Trigger books go directly to
The Shaw Mind Foundation, a global charity that focuses
entirely on mental health. To find out more about
The Shaw Mind Foundation visit,
www.shawmindfoundation.org

MISSION STATEMENT

Our goal is to make help and support available for every
single person in society, from all walks of life.
We will never stop offering hope. These are our promises.

Trigger and The Shaw Mind Foundation

A note from the series editor

The Inspirational range from Trigger brings you genuine stories about our authors experiences with mental health problems.

Some of the stories in our Inspirational range will move you
to tears. Some will make you laugh. Some will make you feel angry, or surprised, or uplifted. Hopefully they will all change the way you see mental health problems.

These are stories we can all relate to and engage with. Stories of people experiencing mental health difficulties and finding their own ways to overcome them with dignity, humour, perseverance and spirit.

Ruths story gives a no-holds-barred account of how depression brought her sporting career to an abrupt halt, and how her love of sport then helped her to overcome her difficulties and become a mental health campaigner. Her story describes how people with depression can sometimes be unaware of any clear causes of the illness, and that depression can affect anyone regardless of social class or background. It shows the power of support networks and the importance of connecting and talking openly with others.

This is our Inspirational range. These are our stories. We hope you enjoy them. And most of all, we hope that they will educate and inspire you. Thats what this range is all about.

Lauren Callaghan

To Mr Donoghue

Disclaimer: Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Trigger Warning: This book contains references to suicide, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and overdosing.

Trigger encourages diversity and different viewpoints, and is dedicated to telling genuine stories of people's experiences of mental health issues. However, all views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this book are the author's own, and are not necessarily representative of Trigger as an organisation.

FOREWORD

Ruth Fox popped up on my Twitter feed and immediately stood out. Mental health is a focal point in my life, and depression is a subject very close to my heart, so I noticed this special, brave young woman reaching out. I had a read into her story and realised that she was a fellow athlete sharing her struggles and ultimately doing her best to fight them.

Ruth asked me to write the foreword for this amazing book, and I was overwhelmed and touched that she asked me. We are about to meet each other very soon, and Im looking forward to meeting someone so inspiring.

Ruth shows me and so many others that even the young can have a leading role in bringing this topic to the forefront. It ruins so many lives. One of the key elements to overcoming the battle is speaking out and educating others. Ruth shows that life circumstances can affect anyones mind, whether its an injury, missing a loved one or anything else.

Ive read this book and relate to certain things within it. I realise that what Ruth is doing at 19 years old is courageous. She is educating those who dont know what it feels like to feel so low at times.

I think shes a wonderful young lady and I support her with all my heart. This book is BRAVE. Ruth is trying to lead while also trying to face her own issues. Thats special enough in itself.

I wish her nothing but love.

Leon McKenzie

PROLOGUE

The 18-year-old girls blonde hair was mangled and wet with tears. Her eyes were red, her cheeks puffy. She was sitting alone in her bedroom, in total darkness just like she had done dozens of times before. Only this time, she knew it would be the last time.

A heavy silence hung in the air. Her body seemed limp and lifeless, as though it had given up on her. She used to be an aspiring footballer and strong athlete, but it had all come to nothing. Depression had finally beaten this once strong, vibrant woman. Shed finally reached her pain threshold, and she could no longer hang on.

The girl was broken, bruised, defeated, and desperate. Life had pushed her further and further into a dark corner one from which she couldnt escape. Intrusive thoughts ran through her head, overshadowing anything positive that had ever happened to her. The image of her jumping in front of a train rekindled in her mind every time she closed her eyes. The pain at the moment of collision would be worth it if it would end her ongoing suffering. She saw no future ahead of her. There was just blackness.

She wrote her suicide letter that night. The paper was sodden with tears and the ink ran. But that didnt matter. Nothing did any more. No amount of words would ever be enough to describe her pain anyway.

She planned to take her life the following day. This was the only way she thought she could escape from her demons.

This girl was me. This is how I got there.

But, more importantly, this is how I got out

INTRODUCTION

When people look at me they see a bubbly, confident, and outgoing young woman. They see a determined and ambitious person. I smile at people as I walk past, I laugh uncontrollably at the most random things, I push myself ridiculously hard in the gym, and I dont cry in front of people. The word depressed wouldnt really cross anyones mind. Thats because of the image and depiction of this illness.

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