Elle Wright - Ask Me His Name: Learning to live and laugh again after the loss of my baby

Teddy is such a lucky little boy to have Elle as his mummy. I have no doubt that he is so proud of the way Elle speaks about him and honours him in all that she does. A beautiful book, from a wonderful woman, about a very special little boy

GIOVANNA FLETCHER

Ask Me His Name has touched me like no other book has ever done. I did not want to put it down until it was finished. An incredibly powerful, raw, honest and emotional story of a wonderful family and the heartbreaking loss of their beautiful baby boy, Teddy, told through the words of his loving mum. This book will stay with you long after you have put it down

JOOLS OLIVER

It takes a huge amount of courage to re-integrate into the world again after your anticipated version of motherhood has been so brutally and painfully ripped away from you. Yet fuelled by the love of Teddy, Elle has managed to transform her pain into power becoming a beacon of healing light for all, which is so very much needed in this world

ANNA LEWIS (SKETCHYMUMA)

To be able to openly share the unthinkable and write about Teddy with such truth, honesty, beauty and humour takes huge courage. This is such an important book that spoke to me on so many levels it will give you a deeper understanding about the reality of grief and the true meaning of a mothers love

IZZY JUDD, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF DARE TO DREAM

Though heartbreaking in places, Ask Me His Name is a remarkably uplifting tale of a mothers love for her son who was born but could not stay. By offering such a raw and honest insight into what happened, Elle opens up the conversation and this in turn helps us all to not be afraid to say something anything! to parents who have lost children, when we might otherwise have said nothing at all. This is such an important read and it must have taken an extraordinary amount of courage to write and share the most personal of stories with the world

SARAH TURNER (THE UNMUMSY MUM)

Bold, compelling and heartwrenchingly honest, this story of how humans can cope in the darkest of hours will blow you away

MARINA FOGLE

Learning to live and laugh again after the loss of my baby

Elle Wright

Published by Lagom

An imprint of Bonnier Books UK

2.25, The Plaza,

535 Kings Road,

Chelsea Harbour,

London, SW10 0SZ

www.bonnierbooks.co.uk

Hardback 978-1-788-700-34-4

Ebook 978-1-788-700-33-7

All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or circulated in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing of the publisher.

A CIP catalogue of this book is available from the British Library.

Typeset by Envy Design Ltd

Illustration on p. 304 Charlotte Peach

Copyright Elle Wright, 2018

Elle Wright has asserted her moral right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to Tommys charity. Reg. (1060508)

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace copyright holders of material reproduced in this book, but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them.

For Nico, my darling husband; who loves me (and puts up with me!) like no one else could.

And for Boris, who helped me learn to smile again, when I thought I never would.

Chapter 8:When the Dust Begins
to Settle

Chapter 10:Helping Myself
(When No One Else Could)

IM ELLE, WELL ELEANOR, BUT EVERYONE HAS COME TO CALL ME ELLE FOR THE MOST PART, APART FROM MY PARENTS AND A FEW CLOSE FAMILY MEMBERS. My mum loves my name and refuses to shorten it, as she insists she didnt give me, Such a beautiful name for it to be shortened! Thats fine by me, Ill answer to anything many of the names not-so-nice when you have older brothers! Ah, yes, older brothers, of which I have two. I grew up in Dorset and, via London, have ended up in Surrey, where I live with my husband, Nico. We have a son, Teddy, but his story is a little different as he never got to come home with us after he was born, as he died at just three days old. I found myself catapulted into a narrative of motherhood that I never expected, one that I was terrified of living in. No one had warned me that this could happen; this wasnt how it was supposed to be. I didnt know how we would carry on being normal without Teddy here, or how we would parent him, or how everyone would treat us but, so far, it seems to have worked out OK.

Thats why I am writing this book to tell you that becoming a parent isnt always the journey we expect it to be, and to share with you my unexpected path into motherhood. Its a route that I hope no one else has to walk, but sadly I know that they do. So I am sharing our story to help them feel less like the only ones, and to hopefully help other people understand a little more about what being Teddys mum has been like for me. Think of it as a parenting manual for the unlucky. (Yes, youll also find lots more bad jokes here.)

So, this is me. I dont know why you have picked this book up maybe its because youre in this boat too, or maybe its because you want to help someone who is. Whatever your reason, I hope this goes a little way to help.

I HAD A FANTASTIC CHILDHOOD, AND I REALISE I AM INCREDIBLY LUCKY TO GET TO SAY THAT. I cant really recall any bad memories, other than when my dear grandad passed away very suddenly when I was ten years old. The rest of my childhood was filled with lots of laughter, brilliant family holidays and occasional (OK, daily) bickering with my brothers.

I am the youngest of three, and my brothers are both older than me by at least four years. I think that being one of three children always made me think I would go on to be the mother of three children too. My mum was (and still is) so loving and nurturing; always taking time to encourage us in the things we were passionate about and never laughing off our ideas or telling us we couldnt try something. I always remember thinking my dad was super fun; whether it was because he rugby tackled us in the garden or threw us around in the pool on holiday, or the way he drove faster over bumpy roads to hear our squeals of excitement in the back of the car. That and it was the 1980s/early 1990s so he was always wearing Ray-Bans, and to me that made him legitimately supercool.

I always felt much younger than my brothers, as they were so close in age my mum had two under two by the time she was twenty-five. Being the youngest isnt always the easiest. I think its because I spent much of my formative years being told, You cant join in because (insert youre too small/too young/a girl, here). From a young age, I learnt to assert myself to ensure I would be included. This often resulted in my poor mum having to retrieve a three-year-old me from the highest piece of play equipment in a playground after I had inevitably got stuck and the harsh reality set in that I was indeed too small to join in with many things.