Joe Dallas - When Homosexuality Hits Home: What to Do When a Loved One Says, Im Gay

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

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Cover by Knail, Salem, Oregon

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WHEN HOMOSEXUALITY HITS HOME

Copyright 2004, 2015 by Joe Dallas

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

ISBN 978-0-7369-6205-6 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-6206-3 (eBook)

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Dallas, Joe, 1954-

When homosexuality hits home / Joe Dallas.

p. cm.

ISBN 0-7369-1201-0 (pbk.)

1. HomosexualityReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BR115.H6D37 2004

261.8'35766dc22

2004007303

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To my family, and to all our families.

My thanks to Nick Harrison of Harvest House Publishers for his patience and persistence when editing this project.

As always, my gratitude to Renee, Jody, and Jeremy for their unending love and support is greater than I can express.

Contents

Each of us will at some point in our lives look upon a loved one and ask the question:

We are willing, Lord, but what can we do?

For it is true that we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we dont know what part of ourselves to give, or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with, and should know, who elude us. But we can still love them. We can love completely, without complete understanding.

A R IVER R UNS T HROUGH I T

I ll begin by assuming you never thought youd be reading a book like this.

Thats a broad assumption, of course, and I make it without knowing you or the circumstances that put this book in your hands. Still, I can safely guess that someone you love is homosexual. Further, you probably know this book is written from a conservative Christian viewpoint, so if youve picked it up, Ill wager you do not approve of homosexuality, but care deeply about your gay loved one nonetheless. I also assume youd like to protect your relationship with him or her without compromising your beliefs; that you hope this person will abandon homosexual behavior; that you didnt expect to find this out about your loved one, but now, having found it out, youre anxious to know what to do or say, and what not to do or say, or both. Thats probably why youre reading When Homosexuality Hits Home because now that you know, you have questions.

For nearly 30 years as an ordained pastoral biblical counselor, Ive consulted with many people whove had questions similar to the ones on your mind now. Ive counseled parents reeling from the shock of discovery, wanting to know what, if anything, they did wrong. Or what they can say to change their sons mind, what to do when their daughter wants to bring her lesbian lover home for the holidays, or how to respond when theyre called homophobic or bigoted.

Wives too have sat in my office, shattered and bewildered after learning of a husbands sexual secret, wondering if the man she thought she knew was really a stranger shed never known.

Ive wept with grown men whose fathers came out later in life, sometimes contracting AIDS in the process and devastating entire families. Ive listened to the concerns of family members whove asked how to handle their openly gay siblings wanting to spend time with their kids, or what their policy should be at family gatherings; still others have asked how to answer the claims of relatives who say theyre both gay and Christian.

In each case, Ive wished I could put a how-to book into their hands. And so, with that wish in mind, this book was written.

My interest in the subject is more than professional, though. Its deeply personal, because homosexuality hit my own home, long ago, bringing indescribable pain and misunderstanding along with it.

Sex itself became a source of confusion to me when I was repeatedly molested by pedophiles in my neighborhoodmen who were skilled at manipulating boys into sexual favors. These encounters introduced me to pornography, orgies, and a number of other perversions, leaving me jaded and obsessed with sex from an early age. So by the time I was an adolescent, I was involved with adult men, girls, and boys. The sexual revolution of the 1960s was in full swing, and doing it seemed to be on everyones mind. That suited me fine; I indulged whenever I could, and I was oddly proud of the fact that I knew more about sex than most of my friends. I had learned to manipulate and seduce, having been seduced myself, and when I used these skills on girls at my school, I was quick to brag openly about my conquests.

Sex with guys was another matter. I enjoyed it when it happened but never spoke of it, much less bragged about it, to anyone. (As liberal as the times were, the revolution only condoned casual sex between men and women; sex between men was still looked down on.) I never considered myself to be completely homosexual, since girls still held a genuine appeal to me. But during drunken high school parties, field trips, or sleepovers with a friend, I always looked for sexual opportunities. They came frequently; more frequently than any of us would have dared to admit. And by the time I was 15, I also added having sex with adult men, whom I would contact through an underground gay dating service, to my list of secret practices.

In a way, it was all exciting and flattering. But questions about my future Will I ever outgrow my homosexual tendencies? Will I ever be caught in the act? Will I ever get married? all began to pile up, taking an emotional toll. By the time I was in high school, I was often depressed, and when I wasnt acting out sexually, I spent most of my free time alone.

It was during those early high school years that my parents started to comment on my emotional withdrawal. After coming home from school, Id head straight for my room, where I would remain, door shut and locked, until called for dinner. Id eat quickly and silently, answering questions about my day with the briefest possible response, then excuse myself at the first opportunity. I refused to watch television with my parents and brothers, preferring the solitude of my own room where I could indulge my private loves of music, reading, and sexual fantasy. The family who loved me became, God forgive me, an unwelcome intrusion into my life.