Melody Beattie - Melody Beattie 3 Title Bundle: Author of Codependent No More and Three Other Bes: A collection of three Melody Beattie best sellers
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Beyond Codependency: Youre learning to let go, to live your life free of the grip of someone elses problems. And yet you find youve just started on the long journey of recovery. Let Melody Beattie help you along your way. A guided tour past the pitfalls of recovery, Beyond Codependency is dedicated to those struggling to master the art of self-care. It is a book about what to do once the pain has stopped and youve begun to suspect that you have a life to live. It is about what happens next.
Playing It by Heart: Since the publication of Codependent No More, millions of people have confronted the demons of codependency. And yet, many in recovery find themselves slipping back into the old ways that brought them such grief. In her book Playing It by Heart, Beattie helps readers understand what drives them back into the grasp of controlling behavior and victimhoodand what it takes to pull themselves out, to return to the healing, faith, and maturity that come with a commitment to recovery. Personal essays, inspiring anecdotes, and prescriptive reminders show readers how to stop acting out their painful obsessions. Marked by compassion and keen insight, Playing It by Heart explores the authors most intense personal lessons and shows readers that, despite setbacks, recovery is a lifelong opportunity for spiritual growth.
Stop Being Mean to Yourself: This sequel to Codependent No More contains the same compassionate tone and penetrating insight for which Beattie has become well known and loved. She takes her audience on an odyssey that starts in Northern Africa. On her journey she shares hope and encouragement and employs analogies along the way to Casablanca, Algeria, and Egypt. She provides lessons about letting go of fear and trusting ones instincts.
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Hazelden Publishing
Center City, Minnesota 55012
800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore
Beyond Codependency 1989 by Hazelden Foundation
Playing It by Heart 1999 by Melody Beattie
Stop Being Mean to Yourself 1997 by Melody Beattie
All rights reserved. Produced in the United States of America. No part of this electronic publication may be copied, sold, or redistributed in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.
e-book ISBN (for bundle of three books): 978-1-61649-459-9
BEYOND CODEPENDENCY
BEYOND CODEPENDENCY
And Getting Better All the Time
Melody Beattie
DEDICATION
One night, in a dream, I saw a group of people. These people were deserving, lovable people. The problem was, they didnt know it. They were stuck, confusedreacting to some crazy stuff that happened long ago.
They were running around in adult bodies, but in many ways they were still children. And they were scared.
These people were so busy protecting themselves and trying to figure out what everything meant, they didnt do what they most needed to do: relax, be who they were, and allow themselves to shine.
They didnt know it was okay to stop protecting themselves. They didnt know it was okay to love and be loved. They didnt know they could love themselves.
When I awoke, I realized I was one of them.
This book is dedicated to us, the recovering adult children and codependents. May we each awaken to the beauty of ourselves, other people, and life.
For helping make this book possible, I thank God, Nichole, Shane, Mom, John, Becky, Terry, Ruth, Scott, Lee, Linda, Carolyn, and my readers. Some encouraged and inspired me to write; some had to put up with me while I did.
Contents
Acknowledgments
First, I want to acknowledge the recovering people who shared their stories with me. They brought life to my work.
I also want to acknowledge the contributions of Timmen Cermak, M.D., a founding member and first president of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, and Bedford Combs, M.Ed., LMFT, founding president of the South Carolina Association for Children of Alcoholics. Their work helped me understand the recovery process, and they helped me grow.
Have you been writing any personal experience articles lately? the woman asked the writer. No, replied the writer, Ive been busy having them.
RUTH PETERMAN
INTRODUCTION
This is a book about recovery.
Actually, this is a book about continuing our recoveries.
I wrote it for people recovering from the ways theyve allowed themselves to be affected by other people and their problems. I wrote it for people recovering from codependency, chemical dependency, and adult children issues. I wrote it for people struggling to master the art of self-care.
Codependent No More, my last book, was about stopping the pain and gaining control of our lives. This book is about what to do when the pain has stopped and weve begun to suspect we have lives to live. Its about what happens next.
Well look at recovery, relapse, doing our family of origin work, and what to do about it after weve done it. Well talk about relationships. Well talk about concepts like surrender and spirituality too.
Well talk about many ideas: dealing with shame, growing in self-esteem, overcoming deprivation, sharing recovery with our children, and getting beyond our fatal attractions long enough to find relationships that work.
When I began this manuscript, I had a long list of scattered bits of information I wanted to parlay. I wasnt certain how these ideas would fit together. When I stopped trying to control, the book took on, as some do, a unique and occasionally surprising life of its own.
Codependent No More was about beginning our recoveries. This book is about the core issues of recovery: working on the nuts and bolts, and fine-tuning.
In retrospect, it has emerged primarily as a book about growing in self-love, and our ability to affirm and nurture ourselves. A serendipity of that process is growing in our capacity to love others and to let them, and God, love us.
This book is based on research, my personal and professional experiences, and my opinion. Throughout, Ill attempt to attribute all ideas, theories, and quotes to appropriate sources. Sometimes its difficult to do that in the recovery field because many people say many of the same things.
The case histories I use are true. Ive changed names and details to protect peoples privacy.
Ive included activities at the end of some chapters. You can explore your answers in a separate journal or notebook.
Also, this book is not about how to change or help the other person. Its about knowing its okay for us to continue helping ourselves, to better lives and improved relationships.
An old adage says, When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Another, however, says, You teach what you most need to learn.
Writers, they say, are teachers.
It is possible, wrote Lawrence Block, to see everything we write as a letter to ourselves, designed to convey to one portion of ourselves the lesson that another portion has already learned.
I have learned from writing this book. I hope you gain as much from reading it.
Endnotes
Ruth Peterman is a Minneapolis writer and writing teacher. She told this story during a class she taught.
Lawrence Block, Messages for Your Most Important Reader, Writers Digest (June 1988): 68.
Editors note: An Endnotes section, which lists footnotes in each chapter, appears at the end of every chapter in this book.
Section I
Recovery
Recovery is when fun becomes fun; love becomes love; and life becomes worth living.
I started taking care of myself and it feels so good Im not going to stop, no matter what.
ANONYMOUS
THE RECOVERY MOVEMENT
Something exciting is happening across the land. Lets take a look.
Carlas Story
Two years ago, Carla thought she was crazy and her schedule was normal.
Well, almost normal, said Carla, an elementary school teacher and the thirty-five-year-old daughter of a well-groomed, professional family.
From 6 to 8 a.m., Carla worked at a day-care center. From 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m., she taught grade school. From 2 to 6 p.m., she taught at an after-school latchkey program.
To save a woman from being sent to a nursing home, Carla had moved in with an Alzheimers victim. So at 12:30, Carla rushed home to make lunch for her roommate. At supper time, Carla rushed home again to make supper for her roommate.
Several years earlier, while working at the state prison, Carla had befriended, then fallen in love with, an inmate (a phenomenon peculiar to many people who identify with codependency). After washing the supper dishes, Carla hurried to the prison to visit him. At 9 p.m., Carla dashed home to put her roommate to bed.
In her spare time, Carla volunteered forty hours each month to the county mental health center. And she taught Sunday school.
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