Melody Beattie - Stop Being Mean to Yourself: A Story About Finding the True Meaning of Self-Love

For my readers

Thank you for staying with me while Ive grown in my craft and in my life. As the Virginia Slims commercial says, Weve come a long way, baby.

For Nelle, who passed during the writing of this book

Nelle, you were a fortress of courage. You fought and won many a hard battle. Thanks for letting me travel for you while your illness confined you to your bed. Thanks for your time in my life.

My heart has become astir with a goodly matter. I am saying: My works are concerning a king. May my tongue be the stylus of a skilled copyist. You are indeed more handsome than the sons of men. Charm has been poured out upon your lips. That is why God has blessed you to time indefinite. Gird your sword upon your thigh, O mighty one, with your dignity and your splendor. And in your splendor go on to success; ride in the cause of truth and humility and righteousness, and your right hand will instruct you in fear-inspiring things.

Psalm 45:14,

NEW WORLD TRANSLATION

OF THE HOLY SCRIPTURES

This has been the most challenging book Ive written in my nine-book career. I could not have done it alone. Thank God, I didnt have towhich is what Im about to do.

I give special thanks to God, the Supreme Authority in our universe, whom I have also come to know, through the writing of this book, as Allah.

Nichole and Will, thank you both so much. Nichole, your vibrant personality and wit brought this book to life and continue to make my heart smile. Will, I am so pleased that youre becoming a part of our family. I have loved you from the first time you sat in my living room glowing with your gentle spirit and loving ways. Welcome aboard. Thank you both for staying with me through the trip and this book. You are the loves of my life. I am so proud of and pleased with both of you. A mother couldnt ask for more.

Dr. Steve Sherwin, thank you for your patience and skills and your undeviating belief in this book and me. Many of the concepts that appear in this book came from, and through, you. Thanks for everything.

Wendylee, there are not enough words to acknowledge what a trooper and copilot youve been throughout this amazingly intense, grueling, and magnificent process that began when I first (in retrospect naively) conceived the idea for this book. Thank you for your unwavering support and presence while I wandered through the Middle East. Thank you for the quality of your intuitive counsel. Thanks for the laughs. Thanks for being you and being there. I am a lucky woman to have you in my life. Who was it that said, Everyone should have a Wendylee? They were right. We should all be so lucky. Thanks for being my assistant, my friend, an editor, a consultant, and a spiritual and emotional touchstone.

Jhoni, thanks for being a loyal and good friend. Your well-timed telephone calls and creative inspiration guided me through some tough spots in this book. Thanks for being there for me. Thanks for bringing the spirit of L.A. into my life and this book. Thanks for your well-timed personal advice: Melody, stop that. Its not being nice to them, its being mean to yourself. Youre brilliant, and you have a beautiful soul.

Toni, true friends are so rare in this world. Thanks for bringing friendship, color, and an appreciation for beauty into my life. It was you who called me New Years Day and said, Ive made a resolution. Im not going to be mean to myself anymore. Thanks for giving me the title for this book. Thanks for introducing me to Jerry, in Pasadena. Thanks for giving me a role model of what a superior woman of fine character really is.

John Steven, from the beginning we have not had a traditional motherson relationship, but you have always been in my heart. Youve fought your way through many obstacles, and youve won. I am so proud of you, and so pleased with your beautiful familyyour wife, Jeannette, and my grandson, Brandon. The three of you have done an admirable job.

I must express my deep gratitude and appreciation for the people in Morocco, Algeria, and Egypt who opened their hearts and homes to me. Essam, you have a sweet, gentle spirit. Your devout love for Allah and your belief in the existence of the special powers continue to impress me. Thank you for all youve shown me about life. I send a special thank-you to the women of Egypt for opening your hearts to a foreigner. Fateh and Nazil, you are the heroes of Algiers. You made my time in your country memorable. Thank you doesnt seem adequate.

Finally, Shane Anthony, thank you so much. I wanted to leave you a great legacy. Instead, you left me one. One of the many gifts you gave me was your tremendous spirit of adventure. It was that spirit that gave me the courage to take the trip to the Middle East, to ride by the terrorist hills with little fear, and to ride that donkey down the streets of the village of Giza. Remember that night on the island, when you grabbed my hand and said, Lets go. Where? I said. For an adventure, you replied. That was six years ago. Well, youre still taking my hand and saying, Lets go. I cant think of a better guardian angel any mom could ever have.

I based this book in part on a trip I took through the Middle East in early 1996. It is about an initiation, a gateway I went through. It is about a gateway many of us are passing through as we approach and enter the millennium.

It could be labeled another self-help book, but it isnt a book of labels. We dont need any more. Weve got too many of them. Theyre too convenient. They let us talk without thinking. They let us give advice without compassion. They make criticism and judgment too easy in a world where criticism and judgment come easily enough. Its not a book about pointing a finger at anyone and saying, Youre doing it wrong.

This is a book about learning to be kinder. Its about learning to be kinder to the world and people around us, as much as possible. Most importantly, it is a book about learning the art of being kinder to ourselves. Its a book about learning to love ourselves at the deepest levels, at levels perhaps deeper than anyone has trained or encouraged us to love ourselves before. Its about examining the different ways we torture, punish, abuse, and torment ourselvesand in the process of uncovering that, perhaps discovering some of the ways we torment those we love. Stop Being Mean to Yourself is a book about learning the art of living and loving, and the art of learning to live joyfully in a world where many of us wonder if thats possible.

I wrote it for people struggling and tired of it, people who have tried everything they know to heal themselves and their lives and who still wonder, in the wee hours of the night, if they should talk to their doctor about going on Prozac. Its for people already on antidepressants. Its for people who wonder if they can trust what theyve learned, where theyve been, or where theyre going; people who have read all the books about the wonders of the upcoming millennium and still find themselves dealing with the reality of today; people who consistently quote the first paragraph from M. Scott Pecks book The Road Less Traveled where he says life is difficult because thats what they remember most. Its for people tired of jargon; people tired of working so hard on themselves only to find themselves staying essentially the same except for minor changes in circumstance and occasional revelations they would have had anyway; people who no longer believe the grass is greener on the other side, but even that thought doesnt console them because the idea that many people are miserable is perhaps even more frightening than the idea that theyve been singled out. Its for people who have studied past lives, been to psychics, attended all the workshops, regularly visited their therapists, and still dont get what its all about; people who know how to deal with their feelings and wonder if that overwhelming process will ever end; people who have given control of their lives, or a part of it, to others only to find themselves repeatedly disappointed when they discovered the people they turned to knew less than they did. Its for people who have glimpses that something revolutionary, spiritual, and transformational is going on, but arent quite sure what that is.