Tom Mauser - Walking in Daniels Shoes: A Fathers Journey Through Grief, Controversy, Activism, and Healing Following His Sons Death at Columbine

Walking in Daniels Shoes

A fathers journey through grief, controversy, activism, and healing following his sons death at Columbine

2012 Tom Mauser

Printed and bound in the United States of America. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval systemexcept by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a magazine, newspaper, or on the Webwithout permission in writing from the publisher. For information, please contact Tom Mauser at

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure the accuracy and completeness of information contained in this book, we assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or any inconsistency herein. Any slighting of people, places, or organizations is unintentional. Some names have been changed to protect privacy.

First printing 2012

ISBN 978-0-9853021-1-5

ISBN: 9780985302122

LCCN: 2012907669

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Imagine sending your child off to Columbine High School on April 20, 1999and he didnt return. Ive heard many parents say they couldnt imagine what it would be like to go through such an experience. I can imagine it, for I lived it. My son Daniel was murdered that day at Columbine.

I will share my journey, writing about that day and the days, weeks and years thereafter, here in the epicenter of this earthquake called Columbine. This is my story. My wife and daughter experienced this tragedy along with me, so I will describe our familys experiences, but I cannot tell my wifes or daughters stories. Those are their stories, not mine.

This is a fathers story, an account of shock, pain, grief, advocacy, joy, struggle, healing, triumph, questioning, honoring and renewaland of trying to find meaning in it all. This is a story about a fathers love for his son. It is a story of one victim of gun violence in a nation infested with an epidemic of gun violence.

I felt driven to tell Daniels story so he would not be forgotten, so the world could learn more about one of the victims and not only about the killers. So why, you might ask, did it take thirteen years to write this book? For one thing, it wasnt clear to me when my story of Columbine endedits something Ive been living ever since April 20, 1999. More important, for years I satisfied my desire to tell Daniels story through the memorial Web site I established to honor him, and where I described Daniel and the things being done in his name.

But not all could be told on Daniels site. Some stories were too long or didnt seem right for that format. And there were stories that were still too painful to write about and share at the time. Enough time has now passed. Im ready to share the rest of my story.

Something else that drove me to write this book are the many letters and emails from people from all over the world. Some are from a new generation of curious young people who have an interest in Columbine, saying they were not old enough to understand what really happened at Columbine at the time, or that their parents shielded them from the tragic story. Some are adults who say they didnt follow the Columbine story closely when it happened but want to learn more about it now, especially about the victims and how their families are doing. I want to satisfy their thirst for more information and understanding, providing a parents perspective.

I have also been driven by the fact that school violence, bullying and gun violence still persist in America. Some people hoped Columbine would bring the nation to its senses and bring about an end to school violencebut that hasnt happened. We need to talk about why thats so.

Some people insist Columbine is old news that has lost its relevance and that we need to move on. Perhaps many people have done so. But I continue to hear from people who still remember where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news about Columbine, just as my generation remembers the assassination of President Kennedy and as the Great Generation remembers the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Many people still wonder how such a horrific thing could happen. It bewilders them because the Columbine killers were intelligent and came from ordinary, well-to-do families, not from broken, poor or single-parent households. So why did it happen? Well never know for sure, but Ill share some of my thoughts.

I will not give in to the temptation to sensationalize this story or make it overly morbid in order to sell more books. I am writing this book on my terms. I will not provide all the gory and investigative minutiae of the tragedy at Columbine nor describe all of the many controversies that surrounded it. One can read other books for that. I will present some of the details, though, insofar as some are needed to provide a framework and others were meaningful parts of my experience of Columbine.

I hope this book will provide a new perspective. I hope it provides an understanding of what its like to be in the middle of such a high-profile tragedy. I hope it convinces more people to become active in changing our gun laws and our social attitudes toward guns. I hope it provides a helpful glimpse of my experience to others who are dealing with grief. Finally, I hope this book succeeds in demonstrating how a fathers love for his son can drive him to demand change in the world around him.

Tom Mauser

I would like to share with readers a few observations about some of the language and references offered herein.

Columbine has become such a part of my life that it has become part of my vocabulary, as it has for Americas. Columbine has become a single word descriptor, a euphemism for a school shooting or a school massacre, so thats how I will use it. A news story mentioning that students were planning a Columbine is understood by most people. People know youre not referring to the state flower of Colorado. So, in this book I refer to something as happening after Columbine, not as after the shooting massacre at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado.

When I speak of the Columbine families I am speaking about the parents of the twelve students murdered at Columbine and the spouse of the teacher murdered at Columbine, as well as their immediate families. I am not referring to the families of those injured at Columbine or of all families within the larger Columbine community.

I understand that in following this tragedy one cannot help but examine the killers. But in doing so, undeserved attention would be given to them. Too much attention has already been showered upon them. Therefore, I will often refer to the killers in the Columbine massacre as just thatthe Columbine killers, or as H&K. I will not print their names frequently herein and give them the attention they sought through bloodshed. But neither will I irrationally avoid mentioning their names. I will use them sparingly.

I struggled with how to refer to those whom I opposed in the course of my gun control advocacy. My opponents were nothing if not varied. Some were friendly NRA members or gun owners who disagreed with me but acknowledged my point of view and treated me with respect. Others were quite the oppositegun extremists who showed only contempt for my point of view and were lacking in a basic level of civility.