Table of Contents
Extraordinary Praise for Stressed-out Girls by Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D.
Cohen-Sandlers timely and relevant research and its accompanying practical suggestions truly takes the area of girls psychology deeper in a way that will help critically examine cultural norms. Understanding the five groups of girls who are at risk for serious stress and adjustment difficulties will help teachers, counselors, parents, and girls themselves better balance modern pressure for adolescents. If you care about girls, read this book!
Norrine L. Russell, Ph.D., Executive Director, The Ophelia Project of Tampa Bay
Cohen-Sandler offers action plans for fostering resilience and decreasing the root causes of stress.
The Washington Post
An eye-opening, up-to-the-minute resource for all adults who work with teen girls.
Booklist
Compulsively readable, Stressed-out Girls abounds with fascinating cautionary tales of well-meaning but misguided parents whose hypervigilant reactions to their daughters stress (often manifested by falling grades) results in a downward spiral of family conflict, escalating antisocial interactions, academic apathy or rebellion, plummeting self-confidence, and risk-taking behaviors.... [Cohen-Sandler] is especially helpful in using real life experiences and shifting point of view analysis on where we, as parents, unknowingly make wrong turns in attempting to work through these issues.
Wisconsin State Journal
[Cohen-Sandler] explores the pressures todays girls face to excel at everythingnot just academically, but also socially and in sports and extracurricular activities.
Connecticut Post
[A] wise, well-researched chronicle.
Publishers Weekly
One of the best additions to the literature.
Library Journal
Its up-to-the-minute, relevant, and readable.
The Boston Globe
Is your daughter a stress mess? Many girls worry their way through adolescencewhether they are socially insecure high-achieving perfectionists, or just too scheduled. Stressed-out Girls is an important guide that can help parents as well as educators know when to step in, when to step back, and how to help girls feel less overwhelmed and more in control.
Carol Weston, Girls Life advice columnist and author of Girltalk: All the Stuff Your Sister Never Told You
The book is clear, concise, engaging, and practical, and delivers insights and information in a way that allows ease of access for parents and teachers.... There are important observations, insights, and recommendations that would help teachers assess, reflect on, and respond more effectively to student behaviors and needs.... I could see this as a text used in counselor education courses that emphasize adolescent behavior and school home partnerships.
Dr. Mary Monroe Kolek, assistant superintendent, New Canaan, Connecticut, public school system
PENGUIN BOOKS
STRESSED-OUT GIRLS
Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., has written for many national publications, including Girls Life and Seventeen magazines. Her numerous television and radio appearances include The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, Today, The Early Show, The Montel Williams Show, CBS News, and NPR. A frequent speaker for schools and professional audiences, she lives in Weston, Connecticut.
To my children, Laura and Jason, with much love
Acknowledgments
First, I would like to thank my extraordinary agent, Loretta Barrett, for the integrity, dedication, insight, and careful thought that she brings to every situation. I also appreciate her ever-helpful assistants, Nick Mullendore and Gabriel Davis. A deeply heartfelt thank-you goes to Janet Goldstein, who was enthusiastic about this project from its inception and provided her usual intelligent guidance and meticulous attention. I am enormously grateful for the support of the entire team at Viking Penguin, especially Lucia Watson, Pam Dorman, Clare Ferraro, and Rakia Clark.
Thousands of girls and boys in middle school and high school made this book possible by generously giving their time and sharing their experiencesresponding to my questionnaire, participating in focus groups, and speaking with me individually. I learned so much from them, appreciate their thoughtfulness and candor, and hope that I have done justice to the feelings, perceptions, and views they expressed.
I am indebted to all the heads of schools, principals, vice principals, guidance counselors, and teachers who saw the importance of this issue, gave me access to their students, administered the surveys, and spent time sharing their perspectives. To protect the anonymity of their students I am not thanking them by name. I am also extremely grateful to the earliest readers of this manuscript: Dr. Lyn Sommer, mother, psychologist, and writer extraordinaire, whose brilliant and incisive comments I have come to depend on, and Dr. Mary Monroe Kolek, whose insights into the education world and the hearts and minds of teenage students were invaluable. Karen Bokram, founder and editor of Girls Life, Maria Drauss and her staff at Girls, Inc., Brenda Friedler, Judy Stanton, and Sharon Gilchrest ONeill have my sincere thanks as well. As always, I appreciate the support of my Wednesday-morning peer supervision group, along with many friends who have generously offered their expertise, enthusiasm, and title suggestions, especially Nancy Magida, Dan Magida, Susan Earle, Cindy Mayer, Vicki Schonfeld, Debbie Rath, Jeffrey Jacobs, Jodi Susser, Michelle Tenenbaum, Lisa Foster, and Susan Feigenbaum. Special thanks to Weston Public Library for the use of their comfortable, quiet, and telephone-free conference rooma writers delightand, especially, to Westport Public Library, where they even permit refreshments.
Above all, I am fortunate to have a loving and supportive family: Arleen Cohen, Larry Cohen, Rose Sandler, and Sam Sandler. My son Jasons technical expertise, including his knowledge of spreadsheets, creation of color graphs, and emergency reformatting of my hard drive, proved indispensable in keeping chaos and panic at bay. My daughter Laura spent countless hours painstakingly reading through the final manuscript, making perceptive suggestions and correcting a potentially embarrassing oversight. Most important, I give daily thanks for my husband Jeff, whose constancy and love are my strengthand whose gracious pitching in keeps our lives running smoothly.
Authors Note
The personal experiences described in this book are based on actual clinical work and interviews. In all cases, however, specific details and identifying information have been modified to protect the privacy of the individual.
PART ONE
THE AT-RISK GENERATION
CHAPTER 1
Rising Nervous Energy: The Toll of Hidden Stress
By the time they enter middle school, many girls are staggering under the pressure of more than just weighty backpacks. They also face jam-packed schedules, hours of homework, heightened expectations, demanding social lives, and far too little sleep. For this generation of girls, the process of maturing into successful young women has become too intensely charged.
A hundred years ago, the famous educator Charlotte Perkins Gilman wrote that the progressive education of a child should be, as far as possible, unconscious. From his first eager interest in almost everything, up along the gradually narrowing lines of personal specialization, each child should be led with the least possible waste of time and nervous energy.
