Cohn-Sandler - Stress sucks!: a girls guide to managing school, friends & life

Other Books by
Roni Cohen Sandler, Ph.D.

Easing Their Stress:
Helping Our Girls Thrive in the Age of Pressure
Im Not Mad, I Just Hate You:
A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict
Trust Me, Mom:
A Less Stressful Approach to Mothering Teenage Daughters

To learn more about Roni Cohen-Sandler and
all of her books please visit:
http://www.ronicohensandler.com

STRESS SUCKS !

CHAPTER ONE

Too Much Pressure!

I think that there is soooo much pressure for girls to be perfect. You have the media with all those super skinny girls with perfect hair and makeup and clothes, and you have those snotty girls in school that tease you if you dont wear what they wear, and parents and teachers always nagging on us to do better in school. Its hard to keep up with all of the pressure. I feel like there is so much expected of me with my friends, family, teachers, and coaches, its terrible. Brittany

As a teen girl, youre part of an extraordinary group thats slowly but surely changing the world. When Google held their first annual National Science Fair, which drew 10,000 students from 91 countries, who do you think won all of the age categories? You guessed it: girls. And when high school students recently traveled to Washington, D.C. to hand-deliver an online petition with 118,000 signatures calling for a woman to moderate the 2012 presidential debates, of course those three students were three determined girls. These days, not only are teen girls accomplishing amazing things, but youre also pretty much leaving guys in the dust.

The facts couldnt be clearer. From kindergarten on, girls are better students. In high school, you get better grades in every subject and have higher GPAs and class ranks than boys. Youre more likely to take AP classes and to get higher scores on standardized reading and writing tests. While boys still have the edge on math and science tests, youre closing the gap there, too. This may be hard to believe, but more of you are even signing up for the hardest math classes! Beyond academics, girls rule in high school. Youre more likely to work on the school paper or yearbook and to hold offices in student government. Far more of you are also going on to college; in hundreds of universities, the female to male ratio is now 60-40.

So Whats the Problem?

This sounds awesome, right? It is awesome. But, unfortunately, theres a downside to all this success. Along the way, girls are paying a huge price.

As a psychologist, I hear teen girls everywherein my office, in emails, at schools all around the US and Canadadescribing unbearable pressures. Many of you want to excel not just in a few things, but in absolutely everything. You think that to be successful today you have to be extraordinary. As Christa says, Girls always feel like were not good enough for society. Were being pressured into being sporty, smart, pretty, and popular. Why cant we just be a little good at all these things? Why do we have to be great at everything? No wonder so many teen girls have problems.

Can you relate? Do you hope to ace your tests, star in sports, be popular, shine in your extracurricular activities, make your parents and teachers proud, and get accepted to a good collegewhile also looking great and staying thin? Do you sometimes worry that youre not living up to expectations or that youre disappointing everyonemaybe even yourself?

Like many girls I speak to, Lauren describes feeling horrendous pressurenot just once in awhile, but every day: It seems like the homework never ends. You can never get ahead. You can only stop yourself from falling behind. All I do every weekend is sit at home in my room and do my homework. I dont have time to go out or even relax. With this sort of grueling schedule, girls feel as if theyre going through their lives on autopilot, barely able to keep up and not feeling good about anything theyre doing.

Heres the problem: constant stress, hectic schedules, and mind-numbing fatigue weigh you down, making it even harder to cope. When youre worn out by lack of sleep, seemingly unending piles of homework, drama in your social life, and demanding parents, teachers, or coaches, even a regular day can become a total nightmare. Little frustrations, annoyances, and disappointments that normally wouldnt be a big deal somehow add up and seem completely overwhelming.

Lets say you dont like your grade on a Social Studies test, your phys ed teacher yells at you for being late to class (even though it wasnt your fault!), and your BFF gives you the cold shoulder without a word of explanation. Suddenly, you feel like youre about to burst into tears or have a complete meltdown. This is how stress gets to you. Whether it sneaks up or attacks as quickly and fiercely as a summer thunderstorm, it can make you feel utterly hopeless and helpless. Heres how Kai expressed it in an email: