Roni Cohen-Sandler - Im Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict

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Table of Contents

Praise for Im Not Mad, Ijust Hate You

Full of cool-headed perspective and practical solutions, Im Not Mad invites us to see conflict not as a wedge that drives us from our daughters, but the glue that helps hold us together.

Daughters

This book offers solid ground when it may feel like things are falling apart.

Booklist

This pep talk could be read daily by every mother of a teenage daughter.

Library Journal

Cohen-Sandler and Silver use absorbing case studies to show mothers how they can work on building new connections to their daughters, ones that will last for many years to come.

Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese, authors of The Roller-Coaster Years

Wonderful and insightful, witty and compelling, this book is a lifeline for both mothers and teen daughters.

Karen Bokram, Editor in Chief of Girls Life magazine

Cohen-Sandler and Silver have a true understanding of how teens and their moms think and behave. Parents will recognize their own voices and those of their teen daughters, which resonate through this very helpful and readable book.

Nancy Samalin, author of Loving Your Child Is Not Enough

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who specializes in the issues of women and adolescent girls, is a contributing editor for Girls Life magazine. A frequent lecturer at schools and conferences around the country, she has appeared on Oprah, Good Morning America, and many other programs. The mother of a teenage daughter, she lives with her family in Weston, Connecticut.

Michelle Silver is the senior editor of Girls Life and lives in Brookline, Massachusetts. Girls Life, the official Girl Scouts magazine and winner of a recent Parents Choice award, has a circulation of more than 400,000.

For more information about Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandlers work, or to schedule a speaking engagement, please visit her Web site at www.ronicohensandler.com.

DEDICATION

Dedicated with great admiration to my mother, Arleen Cohen, who has taught me by example about courage, dignity, and the power of loveas well as extraordinary commitment to mother-daughter relationships.R.C.-S.

For my mother, Bobbi Silver, who has taught me the value of being true to myself, retaining an adventurous spirit, and indulging in the occasional hit of chocolate. You continue to be my best friend.

M.S.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We are most grateful to Loretta Barrett, our agent, who believed in us, nurtured this project from its inception, and continues to teach us to navigate through the world of publishing. Also, thank you to Laura Van Wormer, who was kind enough to read our proposal enthusiastically and introduce us to Loretta. Janet Goldstein, our editor, saw the potential pearl and somehow worked her magic in getting us to find and polish it. Molly Dolan, Jennifer Suitor, and others at Viking have been wonderful.

Roni Cohen-Sandler: This book is an outgrowth of many treasured relationships. My peer study group provides astute insights, inspiration, and camaraderie : Caren Glickson; Orla Cashman; Karen Alter-Reid; Debra Hyman and Debbie Eisenberg, who read early chapters; and Lyn Sommer, whose thoughtful reading of the final manuscript and incisive suggestions were invaluable. Barbara Vinograd not only read the initial manuscript but provides the candor, affection, and reality checks that I rely upon regularly. Jodi Sussers friendship for more than half my life has given me more than I can express. Vicki Schonfelds legal expertise is most appreciated; her warmth and wisdom are cherished. Jill Sharfsteins enthusiasm about this project and valued thoughts contributed to this project from the very beginning. Mary Einzig and I have discussed at great length the travails of raising teenage daughters. I am also especially grateful to the many women and adolescent girls with whom I have worked over the years. By sharing their experiences and reflections, they have taught me a great deal about many things, especially mother-daughter relationships.

I am most fortunate to have a family whose love and support truly make everything possible. My parents, Arleen and Larry Cohen, have exemplified nurturance and generosity of every kind. My in-laws, Rose and Sam Sandler and Jodi and Steve Ogen, have always been there eagerly to pitch in and to cheer. My daughter, Laura, and son, Jason, not only tolerated admirably the time I spent on this book but have given happily and sweetly of themselves, in their own ways. My husband, Jeff, is simply incomparable; this book would have been impossible without his unflagging confidence in me, his vital input at even the most uncivilized hours, and, despite his own busy practice, his essential and game takeover of the kitchen duty.

Michelle Silver: I would like to thank my mother, Bobbi Silver, my stepfather, Jules Spotts, my brother, Eric, and my sister-in-law, Kathleen, for their uplifting humor and continued encouragement. Extra thanks go to Lisa Frat tini and Peter Flynn for their unwavering support and open ears.

Part 1

Understanding Your Worlds

Chapter One

You and Your Daughter

I dont know whats gotten into my daughter lately. The other day some out-of-town friends called to say they were in town and asked if they could stop by for dinner. So of course I said yes, and I called home to ask Melanie, whos fifteen, to give me a hand by straightening up the kitchen and setting the table. When I rushed home from work, I found the kitchen in disarray and Melanie upstairs in her room, door shut, sorting through a stack of CDs. When I asked, quite calmly, why she hadnt done as I had asked, Melanie said shed forgotten. She shrugged and just kept rearranging the CDs. I could hear my voice beginning to shrill when I demanded that she help me ... Now! She said okay but didnt budge. So I promptly started screaming at her to get off her duff and get downstairs. She had the nerve to ask me why I was making such a big deal! But I knew we had hit rock bottom when she muttered under her breath that I wasnt exactly Mrs. Reliable. I said the first thing I could think of: that she was grounded... until further notice.

Alice, age forty-six

My mother is ridiculous. I was in the middle of talking to my best friend,
who had a really bad problem. She thought her boyfriend might be getting
ready to break up with her, so of course she was upset, and I had to
help her. And then my mother goes and calls on the other line and
makes me hang up on my friend. Its like my phone call isnt even
important. Just when I got done calming down my friend, my mother
came home, barged into my room, and screamed at me about the stupid
kitchen. What was I supposed to do? If I didnt clean up my CDs, shed
yell at me cause my room is a mess. No matter what I do, its wrong.
Shes never happy!

Melanie

Is it any wonder mothers almost universally fear their daughters adolescent years? Like the majority of mothers of teenage (or nearly teenage) daughters, you may be wondering how your relationship suddenly became so complicated. How did the simplest, most mundane situations become so highly charged? When did you and your daughter stop seeing the world through the same lens? And, most important, what became of your delightful, agreeable baby girl?

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