Praise for Drs. John and Julie Gottman and The Love Prescription
The Gottmans are the nations leading marriage researchers and educators.
Time
John and Julie Gottman are the renowned experts on marital stability.
The Atlantic
The Einstein of Love.
Psychology Today
The dean of marriage experts.
The New York Times
PENGUIN LIFE
THE LOVE PRESCRIPTION
John Gottman, PhD, was voted one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter century and was recently honored with the 2021 Lifetime Achievement Award by Psychotherapy Networker. Professor emeritus in psychology at the University of Washington, Dr. Gottman is known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations, self-report, and physiology. He is the author or coauthor of more than two hundred published academic articles and more than forty-five books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, What Makes Love Last?, The Relationship Cure, and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He is a cofounder of The Gottman Institute and of Affective Software, Inc., which has created a teletherapy technology that will live on cell phones, computers, and tablets to assist therapists in couples therapy and offer relationship-building services directly to couples.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, cofounder and president of The Gottman Institute and cofounder of Affective Software, Inc., was recently honored with the 2021 Lifetime Achievement Award by Psychotherapy Networker for decades of work revolutionizing couples therapy. Winner of the Washington State Distinguished Psychologist of the Year, she has coauthored seven books, including the popular 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, And Baby Makes Three, and Eight Dates. She is also the cocreator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and codesigner of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy clinical training program, which she has taught nationally and in more than fifteen countries.
PENGUIN BOOKS
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Copyright 2022 by John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD
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A Penguin Life Book
library of congress cataloging-in-publication data
Names: Gottman, John Mordechai, author. | Gottman, Julie Schwartz, author.
Title: The love prescription : seven days to more intimacy, connection, and joy / John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD.
Description: First edition. | New York : Penguin Books, 2022. | Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2022006721 (print) | LCCN 2022006722 (ebook) | ISBN 9780143136637 (paperback) | ISBN 9780525508137 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Love. | Interpersonal attraction.
Classification: LCC BF575.L8 .G664 2022 (print) | LCC BF575.L8 (ebook) | DDC 152.4/1dc23/eng/20220701
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022006721
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022006722
Cover design by Luke Bird
Book design by Daniel Lagin, adapted for ebook by Estelle Malmed
Some names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.
pid_prh_6.0_141032872_c0_r0
We dedicate this book to our dear friends and colleagues Alan and Etana Kunovsky, who cofounded and built the Gottman Institute with us. It has been a wonderful journey.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
SMALL THINGS OFTEN
Love. Its a big wordhard to define and pin down. For centuries, the poets have been trying. Its like a red, red rose (Burns). Or it is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken (Shakespeare). Its a many-splendored thing (says one classic romantic movie); its never having to say youre sorry (according to another). Can something so huge, so essential, so mysterious, so individualhave a formula? Is there a prescription for love?
In a word: Yes.
And the most important thing to know about the love prescription is that its a small one. Tiny little doses, every day, is what it takes to make a healthy relationship. Why? Because thats exactly what a relationship isnot one big thing, but a million tiny things, every day, for a lifetime.
We should know: For the past fifty years, weve been putting love under the microscope, starting with Johns earliest research on marital interactions at Indiana University and spanning to today, as we still work closely with couples through the Gottman Institute. When we founded the Love Lab in Seattle in 1990, we wanted to know: What makes love last? Why does one couple stay together forever, while another falls apart? And was it even possible to quantify any of this with datato use the tools of science and mathematical modeling to predict whether a couple would live happily ever after?
Since then, weve brought all kinds of couplesmarried and unmarried, gay and straight, couples with kids and those without, newlyweds and married-for-decades seasoned prosinto the lab to drill down to the key factors that make a good relationship good. Weve looked at every facet of their relationshipstheir body language, the way they converse, the way they fight, their personal histories and their love stories; weve watched their heart rates rise and fall and measured the flood of stress hormones in their bodies. Weve filmed their every movement and reviewed the footage down to the hundredth of a second. Every scrap of data that could be gathered, we collected. We lifted the lid on love and took out all the little parts to determine what, precisely, made it tick. Like the Hadron Collider smashing apart an atom, we wanted to see if we could isolate the building blocks of love.
And what did we learn, when we brought love into the lab?
Well, a lot. This has been our lifes work. And this little book will offer you just a slice of it. But we think that in many ways, its the most important slice. In this bite-sized, seven-day action plan, well be taking you through our most foundational findingsthe first steps toward building a love that lasts. And heres the preview: love is a practice. More than a feeling, its an action. Its something you do, not something that just happens to you. And you need to giveand geta daily dose to maintain a healthy, thriving relationship.
The surprising thing is, its not about grand gestures. Its not a Valentines Day bouquet or a last-minute trip to Paris. Its not John Cusack standing outside your bedroom window with a boom box. Instead, its all about little things done often. Youve heard the expression The devil is in the details? Well, in relationships, the love is in the details. Theyre easy to do, but too often forgotten. Weve all heard the phrase Dont sweat the small stuff. It might be good life advice, but when it comes to love, its 100 percent wrong. Love is all about the small stuff. And its time to sweat.