Gottman John Mordechai - And baby makes three: the six-step plan for preserving marital intimacy and rekindling romance after baby arrives

ALSO BY JOHN AND JULIE GOTTMAN

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ALSO BY JULIE GOTTMAN

The Marriage Clinic Casebook

Copyright 2007 by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D.

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Crown Publishers, an imprint of the Crown
Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

Crown is a trademark and the Crown colophon is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gottman, John Mordechai.
And baby makes three: the six-step plan for preserving marital intimacy and
rekindling romance after baby arrives / John Gottman, and Julie Schwartz
Gottman1st ed.
1. ParentsPsychology. 2. Married peoplePsychology. 3. Sex in marriage.
I. Gottman, Julie Schwartz. II. Title.
HQ755.8.G69 2007
646.78dc22 2006025625
eISBN: 978-0-307-38200-9

v3.1

We dedicate this book
to our beloved daughter, Moriah Sara,
who gave us profound joy
in our becoming three

We loved being pregnant. Parenting had been hard to come by for us. Four years of grueling fertility procedures meant Julie was nearly forty, and John forty-eight, when pregnancy finally and miraculously arrived. In September, with Julie in her seventh month, we took a break from work and drove from Seattle to Yellowstone Park. In the car with windows open and hair flying, we sang along with Bonnie Raitts tape Nick of Time at the top of our lungs. Cruising through Idaho, we had some of those great close conversations that you remember for years. Finally arriving late the next night, we rented a simple rustic cabin and collapsed into deep sleep. But at 3 a.m. we both woke up. As we turned toward each other, John whispered, It just came to me. I know what the babys name should be. Julie asked, What? John replied, Moriah. Julies jaw dropped and she exclaimed, Thats the name I was just dreaming about! We curled up again and dozed. It was just us and little Moriah, waiting to be born.

A few months later, in mid-December, the day was warm and beautiful like spring. Julie was very pregnant and huge. We got up, made toast and eggs, and she smiled and said, I have to buy a winter coat. Shaking his head, John looked at her like she was nuts and said, Wait until after the baby is born. No, she said. John calmly repeated himself, thinking she hadnt understood, Just wait, because if it fits you now, it wont ever fit you again. Youre big, dear. And she said, No, I want to buy a winter coat right now. So John thought of his mottonever argue with a pregnant woman. Sighing, he said, OK. Lets go get the coat. Off we went. Julie bought a winter coat three sizes bigger than her usual. Content, she put it on.

Then, as we exited the store, Julie said, I want us to get chains for the car. Exasperated, John said, Look, that makes absolutely no sense. Look around youits a beautiful warm winter day. And it never really snows in Seattle. Julie said, I dont care. I want chains for the car.

From the clothing store, we drove to a car-supply shop. The man behind the counter was big and burly. He said, Yeah, I got chains for your car, but look, man, it never even snows here, so dont waste your money. You dont need em. John just pointed at Julie standing in the store, with her big belly and wearing her huge winter coat. The guy behind the counter nodded, winked at John, and said, Oh, yeah, I get it. He retreated to the back of the shop to get the chains.

As we left, Julie said, We have to get the chains put on the car. John said, Well, I cant put them on, but our mechanic probably can. By this time he knew better than to argue. At the garage, the guy said, Are you nuts? Its a beautiful day, a few clouds maybe, but its nothing. Anyway, I am very busy right now. John just pointed at Julie standing in the garage. The mechanic nodded. Oh, yeah, I get it. Look, get yourself some lunch at the Greek place next door, and the car will be ready when youre done eating. We ate, and an hour later drove home with the car bouncing and bumping on the bare streets.

Around 5 p.m., the usual mild December breeze became freakishly still. It grew very dark. A chill swept through the house. Then a few snowflakes, ornate and beautiful, floated down. Suddenly, the temperature dropped, and continued dropping. The wind gathered speed. In an hour, the house was like a freezer. As we looked out the window, we saw the snow flying by and trees bent double by the wind. An enormous blizzard raged outside. John hadnt seen one like this since leaving Illinois five years earlier. Later, the headlines would call it the century storm, the largest snowstorm to hit Seattle in a hundred years. It snowed two feet in four hours. Drifts piled up to five feet. In the mountains, the wind was clocked at ninety-eight miles an hour.

That evening, as Julie climbed the stairs, water poured down her legs. She cried, John, its time! Then, a little grim but smug, she pulled on her winter coat. We piled into the car toting our overnight bag. With perfectly fitting chains on our tires, we sailed up steep Capitol Hill to our hospital high at the top. Along the way, abandoned cars lay askew in the road. The entire city was stranded. There were lines six hours long to buy chains, and the snow kept coming down. The temperature read near zero.

At the hospital, our obstetrician smiled at us. It was several hours beyond her normal shift, but she couldnt drive home in the snow, so werent we in luck? Nurses couldnt leave, either, and the next shift couldnt come in. There we were, one little happy group.

A few hours later, the contractions came every five minutes. Julies face was contorted with pain, but it still wasnt delivery time. We walked around the hospital. Squat, do the quick breath, and walk. John coached Julie like hed learned in birth preparation classes. Despite the hours of labor pain, delivery wasnt even close. We retired to our room, where John slept on a chair next to Julies bed. Twenty hours passed. Nurses who were stuck at the hospital now slept in all the hospitals extra beds. Julie lay still, contracting and waiting. She held on to Johns hand.

Late the next day, finally, it was delivery time. Julie was raced into the birthing room with John beside her. As Julie was set up for delivery, John and her attending anesthesiologist talked about electrocardiograms. John asked questions, and the doctor drew diagrams on Julies pillow as he explained the monitoring equipment to John. Suddenly, Julie yelled, Hey, you guys!

As John incredulously watched and held one of Julies legs, Moriahs dark crown appeared. Then her face. With her big gorgeous eyes, Moriah looked around very calmly. Then she saw John. Her face seemed to say, This is very interesting. Who are you? John thought to himself, I love that face. I could look at it all day every day for the rest of my life. He was in love. Moriah gave a little whimper. She was handed to Julie, who embraced her, and the baby started to suck. We both cried and cried.