Denise Joyce - Scared of Santa: Scenes of Terror in Toyland

DO YOU HEAR WHAT WE HEAR? Jingle bells jingling, Christmas carols playing, and sweet little children screaming their lungs out as their camera-toting parents haul them up onto Santas lap. In 2003 and 2006, the Chicago Tribune s Q section asked readers to send in their favorite pictures of frightened children with Santa. The result: hundreds of photos starring teary-eyed children and mostly resolutely cheerful Santas. We also received scores of photos featuring children looking more startled than scared, not to mention worried, annoyed, or simply bored.

We got pictures of howling triplets, toddlers wriggling right out of their clothes, and kids trying to flee in all directions. As for Santa, he ranged from a right jolly old elf to a dodgy-looking character who made you wonder what, exactly, he might be packin in that suspiciously bulging bag. Our get-me-outta-here gallery was posted on the Tribune s Web site (chicagotribune.com/scaredofsanta), cheerfully running up page views just beyond 850,000. And the best ones were featured in the Tribune s Q section. But this was not strictly a stroll down misery lane. Dressing children in cute holiday outfits does not make their screaming look any more festive. Given the appearance of some Santas, especially the vintage onesthe ones we call the Old Testament Santas, as opposed to the modern, jolly New Testament versionskids have good reason to be afraid. Modern Santas are more likely than their decades-ago counterparts to wear white gloves. Modern Santas are more likely than their decades-ago counterparts to wear white gloves.

Perhaps the gloves help them maintain their grip on the kids. Or maybe they just dont want to leave fingerprints. Whatever they pay Santa, it isnt enough. Speaking on behalf of the cheerful Santas, Nicholas Trolli of Philadelphia, president of the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas, says he and his brethren would much rather have kids happy as they clamber onto Santas lap. To avoid the waterworks, Trolli offers parents this advice: As you approach, hug your child close, with the child facing away from Santa. Ease into the big meeting by sitting on Santas knee, still holding your child.

A good Santa has excellent helper elves, Trolli says, and they all will work with you to make the experience a pleasant one. Fortunately for us, there were enough clueless parents out there to provide plenty of screaming children for this book. Still, we feel the public service announcement about maintaining peace might keep us on Santas nice list. Despite all the weeping and wailing, there doesnt appear to be any long-term psychic damage that can result from a trip to see Santa. As Exhibit A, we offer Roman Sikorski of Waukesha, Wisconsin, a well-adjusted father of two adult children. (See Chapter 18: (Deck The) Hall of Fame.) Not for Roman a mere few seconds of horror on Santas lap: The dread would begin days before. (See Chapter 18: (Deck The) Hall of Fame.) Not for Roman a mere few seconds of horror on Santas lap: The dread would begin days before.

My stomach would churnand not from butterflies of happy anticipation. It was fear. What struck such fright in Romans heart? It seems that when the extended family gathered to mark the holiday, Santa would make his grand entrance and ask the parents if their children had been good. Every year one aunt and uncle would turn states evidence on their wild offspring. Santa would pull out a razor strap, Roman said. And the naughty cousins would get a good whack or two with the strap.

We suspect they would have preferred a lump of coal. So there you have it. If Roman Sikorski can survive a razor-strap-toting, fun-house-looking Santa and go on to a happy and productive life, a few weepy moments with a jolly Santa offering candy canes as bribery are truly childs play. Still, we hope we arent opening any old emotional wounds by compiling all these photos into a bookand were referring to the poor Santas as much as we are the kids. But if we are, dont come crying to us; take it up with the people who put you on that scary mans lap in the first place. DENISE JOYCE and NANCY WATKINS