Mary-Lou Weisman - Traveling While Married

Travel can put extra strain on a marriage. Being the same old couple in a new and different place is a disorienting experience. All too often, when people dont know where they are, have jet lag, dont speak the language, and cant figure out the money or maintain intestinal regularity, they get hostile. And since they dont know anybody else in Kyoto to take it out on, they take it out on each other. Because couples therapy is rarely available on vacation, its important to be aware in advance of the special challenges associated with traveling while married.

Some marriages are saved by going on vacation. While the marriage is at home, the partners may be contemplating divorce, but send that marriage on vacation and theyre on a second honeymoon. On the other hand, a marriage that gets along swimmingly at home can be a fish out of water on vacation.

The very concept of vacationing can mean different things to each partner. My husband, Larry, likes to move around a lot, preferably from place setting to place setting. Foods not that important to me. I like renting other peoples homes in Tuscany or London and then pretending Im living their life. Unfortunately, I have a talent for choosing people with disastrous lives.

Does a vacation have to have palm trees? Does it have to be far away? (It should be if its a summer beach house and theres the slightest chance that you will be unable to restrain yourselves from inviting friends to visit.) Should it be in the city or the countryside? Does it involve mostly standing up or lying down? Does it mean getting to throw your clothes all over the room? Does it mean setting the alarm clock for 7:00 A.M. and seeing every museum and monument whether you want to or not? Or does vacation mean sleeping until you wake up, dressing slowly to CNN, lingering over a buffet breakfast and an American newspaper, and spending the three remaining daylight hours meandering and otherwise soaking up the atmosphere, usually by mouth? Does it mean calling the office?

Just deciding where to go on vacation can often test the marriages flexibility. One partner wants to do something physical and adventurous, like trying to outrun molten lava down a volcano; the other prefers something more restful, even spiritual, like raking gravel in a Buddhist monastery. Taking turns is only fairthis vacation, run down the volcano; next year, rake.

Negotiating what time to leave for the airport can be even trickier. I think we need to leave enough time to get lost at least once, run out of gas, and get stuck in traffic. I also emphasize the distinct possibility that my dental work might set off the security alarm and theyll have to do a strip search, for which we need to add on at least another ten minutes. Larry prefers the excitement of the photo finish. Dashing down the gangway as theyre rolling it away from the fuselage is his idea of right on time. The inevitable, mutual rage with which we begin each trip only helps us to appreciate better the good times that lie ahead.

Neatness counts when youre traveling married. Often husband and wife have different comfort levels with regard to orderliness. Weve resolved ours. The minute I enter a hotel room, I mentally divide it into his and her sides. I stake out my side of the room, my side of the bed, and my night table, where I put my book and my watch and my key to the room and anything else I want to be able to find.

I carefully unpack, hang up my clothing in my half of the closet, and put the foldable items in my allotment of large and small bureau drawers. Then I go into the bathroom and line up my pharmaceuticals on my half of the glass shelf, most of which, it may come as no surprise, are prescription drugs meant to relieve anxiety and obsessive-compulsive behaviors.

Meanwhile, while helping himself lavishly from the minibar, Larry is tossing belts over the back of his chair, emptying the contents of his pockets on his night table, abandoning shirts on his lampshades, and dropping wet towels on his side of the bed.

Travel, for all its spontaneous joys, can disrupt a couples lifelong routines. Waiting until 11:00 P.M. to have dinner in Madrid is one thing; waiting to use the bathroom in your own hotel room when youre supposed to be on vacation is quite another. A four-bedroom, two-and-one-half bath colonial marriage can crack under the pressure. What kind of lower intestinal droit du seigneur makes him feel entitled to go first and bring a book?

Issues of responsibility are especially exacerbated when couples stray far from home. We know who pays the bills and does the dishes at our house, but whos in charge of coming up with the right amount of euros for the bellhop? Who remembers, or forgets, to buy a battery for the camera? Who remembers film? Who takes the pictures? Who fills out the customs card, including flight number? Who has to retrieve the tickets from her backpack in the overhead bin to tell him the flight number? Who gets the film developed? Who, if anyone, ever puts the photos in the album?

Vacationing couples should recognize their individual strengths and weaknesses and make the best of them. I, for instance, have a difficult enough time finding my way around my own hometown, never mind somebody elses arrondissement. Im also no good at figuring out money. I can barely deal with the coins in my own realm, although the introduction of the euro has at least standardized my confusion. This is a congenital problema matter of being born with a left brain the size of a chickpeaand has nothing whatsoever to do with some Gilliganesque theory about how girls grow stupid at puberty in order to make men feel superior.

When it comes to making his way in foreign lands, Larry is superior. He always knows where he is and how to get where hes going, even if hes never been there before. Anyone in her right mind would relax and enjoy it instead of insisting upon taking the metro in exactly the wrong direction just because shes a feminist.

Sociologists have observed that men tend to stop talking when they get married. They take this penchant for muteness with them when they travel. A womans efforts to bring her husband out of his shell with How was your day? might jump-start him at the dinner table at home, but it wont work on vacation because youve both had the same day.

In anticipation of such a circumstance, many couples choose to travel with another couple; others hope for a chance encounter with a couple they know from home, or a couple they dont know from home, or a couple they know but dont particularly like from home. It doesnt matter. Embrace them enthusiastically. Invite them to join you for dinner.

The introduction of a new female and another alpha male into the dinner-table society causes the men to revert to their talkative, flirty, funny pre-marital selves. What a delightful evening! What a nice couple they are! What a nice couple we are! You decide to get together when you both get home.

You can either arrange to meet this couple again the next day, or you can say good-bye and part. It doesnt matter. Either youll talk to them at dinner, or youll have them to talk about at dinner.