Lorraine Downes - Life, Loss, Love

First published in 2018

Copyright Lorraine Downes, 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Front cover photograph by Monty Adams. All photographs are from Lorraines private collection, unless otherwise credited. Captions for chapter opening images are .

Allen & Unwin

Level 3, 228 Queen Street

Auckland 1010, New Zealand

Phone: (64 9) 377 3800

Email:

Web: www.allenandunwin.co.nz

83 Alexander Street

Crows Nest NSW 2065, Australia

Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand.

ISBN 978 1 760633 49 3

eISBN 978 1 76063 590 9

Design by Carla Sy

This memoir is about the past fifty-three years of my life. All that I have done and achieved in that period has been possible because of the love, generosity of spirit and kindness of significant people in my life. For all of those beautiful people, I am filled with gratitude.

The woman sitting opposite me looked puzzled for a moment.

Thats funny, she said. The world knows you. How does the world know you?

I was having a consultation with renowned American clairvoyant Suzan Saxman, who knew absolutely nothing about my background when we met in 2016. It was interesting that my fame (something I have never been comfortable with) was one of the first things she picked up about me.

While its not true that the world knows me now, for a brief time more than thirty years ago, I had been in the international spotlight when I won Miss Universe. Millions of people around the world had watched me being crowned back in 1983, so she was kind of right. But I didnt let her know this until the end of our session.

Are you related to royalty? she asked as we were finishing up. I keep seeing a crown on your head.

At that stage I had to tell her about my time as Miss Universe. But our conversation before that point ranged over many topics.

Are you writing a book? she asked me.

I am, I admitted.

Good, you must, Suzan said. You are so misunderstood.

Am I misunderstood? I dont know. I do know that when people hear my name, most of them probably think of that shy nineteen-year-old with the fluffy mane of blonde hair who became the first (and, so far, only) New Zealander to win Miss Universe.

While that one event has had a big impact on my life, its not all there is to me. Ive also run my own successful businesses and raised two wonderful children. I had the most amazing relationship with a man who was my soulmate, and I was his caregiver as cancer slowly took his life.

Suzan was spot on when she perceived that I was writing a book, but it didnt come about because I wanted other people to get a better idea of who I am. Instead, I started writing because I was trying to understand who I am.

After my husband Martin Crowe passed away in March 2016, I felt lost. I had been his caregiver for three years, and when he was no longer here I had no idea who I was supposed to be. Suddenly there was a big void in my world. Marty was the love of my lifewhat was I going to do without him? My children had grown up and were off following their passions, so I was no longer needed to be there for them all the time. What was my purpose now?

I have always kept a journal, and during tough times I have found that getting my thoughts down on paper has helped me deal with whatever is going on. That was definitely the case when Marty got really sick, and also after he passed. Writing, for me, was an important part of the grieving process.

And as I read back over what I had written in my journal, I wondered if some of the experiences I had had and lessons I had learned would be helpful to other people. Despite my sad loss, there were many things I had gained, and maybe that knowledge was something I could share.

I had been asked to write a memoir after I won Miss Universe, and I said no. I was only twenty at the end of that whirlwind year and I remember thinking, I havent even lived life. Id had one big thing happen to me, but that was all. If I was going to write a book, it would need to wait until later on when I had done much more.

When I was approached about writing a book after Marty died I said no again; I was too bogged down with grief. But the offer came with the proviso if and when youre ready, and I kept that in the back of my mind.

Eventually I did feel ready to look back over my life and write about it, and doing that became a crucial part of my healing. The words flowed so easily that I felt as if I was meant to be doing it, and Suzans advice convinced me that I should write a book. Im the sort of person who trusts in intuition, and my gut feeling was telling me the time was right to share my story.

It has been quite some journey up to this point, and I have learned a lot; although many of those lessons I never wanted to be taught. There have certainly been some tough and challenging times that have pushed me to my limits. But in other ways I have been incredibly blessed. Perhaps by sharing the things that got me through the darker days, I can help someone else who is wrestling with their grief.

I hope that if youre reading this, you do get something out of it, especially if youve lost loved ones. And maybe, along the way, youll also gain a better understanding of who I am. Theres definitely more to me than the girl from Pakuranga who, many years ago, won a beauty contest.

As far as theme tunes go, you couldnt find a better one for our family. If ever my sisters and I are out together, and that Sister Sledge song We Are Family comes onthe one that talks about having all your sisters with youSue, Jenny, Carolyn and I drop what were doing and head for the dance floor. We dance like crazy and hold each other, and if Mum is there she gets up and dances too. Its always a special moment.

I am truly blessed to have a wonderful family. My parents, Lloyd and Glad Downes, had four daughters; Im number three, born in 1964. Sue is nine years older than me, Jenny is five years older and Carolyn is six years younger. Theres a bit of a patternit seems Mum and Dad would have a baby, get it off to school and then have the next one.

Despite the age gaps, and the fact that were all very different personality-wise, my sisters and I are really close. We know that no matter what life throws at us, weve got each others support.

Our family is the way it is thanks to our parents. Throughout my life, I have had some incredible mentors and role models who have helped to shape the person I am today. The first ones were my mum and dad, who taught me about love, laughter, hard work and finding balance.

We are family: me and my sisters Jenny, Carolyn and Sue at Jennys fiftieth birthday party.

My parents had a very passionate and strong love for one another, which was evident to us all. Mum was Dads beloved sweetheart, and after witnessing their marriage I expected that I, too, would find a man one day who would love me the way my father loved my mother.

I have often wondered how Dad coped with being the only man in a noisy household of five women. He had a gentle demeanour and was very calmhe never raised his voice. He was the peacemaker of the family and would navigate a way through any conflicts. We girls always felt loved, and Im sure if you asked each one of us who Dads favourite was, wed all say, Me!