Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1
KEEP EM SEPARATED
(KEEPING KOSHER)
Im a lifelong ham-dodger. Im a clam-basher, a crab-evader, an anti-shrimpest. I pass up pepperoni, I just say no to bacon, and I sidestep soft-shell crab. I am the few, the proud, the Kosher.
I cant say the same for most of the men I date. Jewish? Always. Kosher? Rarely. To them, a hamburger without cheese is like Sheket Bevakasha without the hey. So while keeping kosher enhances my spiritual life, it complicates my dating life.
Take my relationship with Jeff, a quick-witted movie exec who had me at Shalom. Actually, he had me when his taut tuchus walked through my neighbors front door, but the Shalom shout-out didnt hurt.
On our first date, he took me to a downtown diner that serves upscale comfort food. I ordered truffle mac-and-cheese, he ordered Mamas famous meatloaf, and we split a bottle of syrah I was secretly happy he could swing. Between the good food, the great company, and my slight buzz, our dinner blinked by. As I enjoyed my last morsel of cheesy perfection, Jeff took a bite of meatloaf, slid my way, and stole a kiss. Or at least he started to until I ducked. Yes, ducked. No, Im not a big tease, Im a big Jew, and technically a mid-bite kiss would have meant mixing milk and meat. When Jeff s mouth touched mine, I didnt see fireworks, I didnt hear wedding bells: I heard the great rabbis reminding me not to seethe a calf in its mothers milk.
I tried not to panic, but the whole date had gone to trayf, and I needed to fix it fast. The Talmud doesnt teach us how to apply kashrut laws to kissing; but since I ate dairy and Jeff ate meat, I could have used the milk-before-meat rule, where you wait thirty minutes, eat something pareve, and then gargle. Although I doubt gargling was the deep-throat action Jeff was hoping to see that night. Now, some rabbis say if a dairy knife is accidentally used to cut cold meat, it should be thrust into the dirt ten times. So perhaps I should have stuffed my mouth with soil; Im sure that wouldve impressed JeffI hear men like it when women talk dirty. I could have just been honest with Jeff and explained why I wasnt in the mood for making out. Not tonight, honey, I had dairy.
I know I could have avoided this whole mishegas by being upfront when we first placed our order, but I dont feel comfortable recruiting my first dates for active kosher duty. I cant tell a man I just met what he can and cant eat for dinner. There are three little words a woman should never say too early in a relationship: Hell have the...
So when should we have The Talk? After a week? A month? A year? At what point should I let a man know that saying yes to me means saying no to other womenand to other meats? Keeping kosher is one of my dealbreakers, so eventually Jeff would have to ditch his little black recipe book and sever ties with all his ex grill-friends. He cant have his milk and eat meat, too.
Can I have a man cave in the basement where I cook cheeseburgers on a George Foreman? Jeff asked during one of our kosher coupling chats.
That would render the whole house trayf. And be a fire hazard.
Can I rent a separate apartment just to cook nonkosher meals?
I suppose he could keep a small place on the side for all his afternoon delightsor in this case, afternoon snacks. But I dont think I could handle that kind of open relationship. If a man commits to me, he commits to my kitchen. Its all or nothing, ko-way or no way. Keeping kosher is how I connect to Judaism every day in a concrete way, and I want to share that connection with my spouse. I want the Jewish American dream: a loving husband, 2.5 children, and two sets of dishes.
Well, if you buy two sets of dishes, can I buy two sets of golf clubs?
By Moses, I think hes got it! I dont see why he cant keep separate golf carts or own two game systems or play in two fantasy football leagues.
What about two women?
Dont push it, schmendrik.
A few weeks later, Jeff started whipping up kosher versions of his favorite trayf treats: chili cheese dogs topped with soy cheddar, pizza bagels loaded with veggie pepperoni, and barbeque chicken pizza with soy cheese and a pareve crust. I think hes getting the hang of it, maybe even enjoying it. And while I dont want to count my kosher chickens before they hatch, I wouldnt be surprised if ultimately Jeff and I end up sharing separate dishes but not separate bedrooms.
BEEFING UP YOUR KOSHER KNOWLEDGE
During your Of Mice and Mensch dating adventures, you may meet up with a man who keeps kosher. Already down with kashrut? Youre good to go. Never say no to pepperoni? Dont know your milchig (dairy) from your fleishig (meat)? Dont panic, just brush up on the basics.
The word kosher means fit or proper. It not only applies to food but to kitchenware, Torahs, mezuzahs, tefillin, and tallit that are properly prepared and fit for use. People also throw it around in everyday phrases like somethings not kosher in Denmark. Not that the Danes are known for their blatant mixing of milk and meat.
At its core, keeping kosher isnt complicated, it just involves following a few strict food rules:
NO MILK WITH MEAT. Dont eat milchig and fleishig in the same meal, dont cook them in the same pan, and dont eat them with the same fork. When it comes to food, utensils, plates, pots, cutting boards, even sinks and sponges, youve got to keep em separated.
GONE FISHIN. Seafood must have scales and gills, and cant be scavengers or bottom-dwellers. Forbidden foods include shrimp, lobster, crab, clams, calamari, eel, oyster, octopus, shark, and dolphin. Even swordfish and catfish are off the menu. But feel free to reel in salmon, trout, tuna, halibut, sole, and sea bass. Or just pick it up at the fish market if, like me, you havent reeled anything in since vying for that Brownie merit badge in second grade.
LAND ANIMALS MUST HAVE CLOVEN HOOFS AND CHEW THEIR CUD. Cows and lamb are in; pigs and horses are out.
IF YOU WANT TO AVOID FOWL PLAY, STAY AWAY FROM BIRDS OF PREY (and the twenty-four other forbidden birds listed in the Torah), including hawks, ostriches, owls, and ravens. Feel free to serve up turkey, chicken, and duck with a clear conscience.
PREDATORS ARE A NO-GO. If an animal hunts other animals, we dont eat it. When was the last time you walked into a Jewish home and saw a mounted moose head above the fireplace? Exactly. Jews dont hunt; our food shouldnt either.
ITS NOT ENOUGH JUST TO MAKE THE LIST AT THE DOOR! To get into the kosher club, animals must be killed mercifully and soaked and salted properly.
EGGS FROM KOSHER ANIMALS ARE KOSHER, BUT BLOOD IS NOT. If you see a red speck in your egg, toss it out. Out damned spot, out.
A GOOD SIGN
If youre shopping at a kosher market, you can be confident everything you toss in your cart is good with God. But what should you do when you run to the corner store? Look for a hechsher. What the hecks a hechsher? A hechsher is a stamp of approval, a thumbs-up, the Jewish a-okay sign. Its an endorsement given by an established rabbinical authority that certifies a food or restaurants kosher status. Think of the rabbinical council as the Godfather and the hechshered product as a made man.
