Caspi - How to Woo a Jew: The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating

HOW TO WOO A JEW

The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating

Copyright 2014 Tamar Caspi

Published by

Seal Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

1700 Fourth Street

Berkeley, California

www.sealpress.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Caspi, Tamar.

How to woo a Jew : the modern Jewish guide to dating and mating / Tamar Caspi.

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-58005-501-7

1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Dating (Social customs) I. Title.

HQ801.C3267 2014

306.73dc23

2013034425

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by Faceout Studio, Tim Green

Interior design by Tabitha Lahr

Page 174 illustration icons adamson/123rf.com

Distributed by Publishers Group West

To my second chance...

CONTENTS

WHEN I WAS IN MY midtwenties I was, in retrospect, looking for something I thought I wanted. I had this fantasy idea of how I would meet someone and how we would live happily ever after with our adorable kids and a big house full of nice things. I wanted romance and chemistry and some fun hobbies we both enjoyed. I wanted someone Jewish who envisioned raising kids with the same Jewish values and traditions I held and practiced. I wanted someone I was attracted to, of course, but I did understand that attraction would grow deeper over time. Yet I never truly thought about how that would all happen. I thought about both of us needing to be successful in order to obtain this cushy lifestyle, but I didnt think about finding a man who would be able to stand strong next to me during lifes inevitable trivialities. I didnt think about looking at men with the mind-set of is he a fair fighter? or does he react instinctively or intuitively? or what kind of co-parent will he be? And at the end of the day, those are very important aspects to consider.

Back then, I was actively dating and doling out advice to friends left and right even though I was just as confused as they were, trying to figure out how to effectively and successfully date. I could help my friends, but I couldnt help myself. I received the opportunity to begin writing a monthly column about Jewish dating when I was twenty-seven, which quickly evolved into an internationally syndicated column. And while I was writing and the column was growing in popularity, I finally ended up meeting who I thought was my beshert, or my destiny. I was in another country and fell so hard and so fast for this man that before you could blink an eye I was on a plane and moving to Israel to be with him. Our story was a fairy tale, and I relished in believing that it was my expertise in dating that led me to be able to just know that he was my intended.

Just one month earlier, there I was, on vacation in Israel, sitting at a bar in Tel Aviv celebrating a friend of a friends birthday, and I was scanning the crowd, people watching, when it seemed as though a spotlight was shining on a guy who I had just seen walk in. I kept my eye trained on him, and it was as if we were connected by an invisible string as he walked directly toward me and sat down right next to me. Granted, he was also there for the same persons birthday, but I wouldnt find that out until later. After sending some very obvious signals that I was interested we began talking, and suddenly it was four oclock in the morning and the stools were stacked on the bar and the floors were being washed. We exchanged phone numbers and made plans to meet up a mere eight hours later for lunch. That lunch date ended up lasting twenty-four hours with unending conversation, chemistry, and a clear connection. Lunch had led to a swim in the ocean, which led to a walk along the river, which led to dinner then dancing then breakfast before saying goodbye with the promise to see each other again before I left the country.

He called that afternoon, and after making plans to meet we agreed that I should try and extend my vacation by a few days so we could travel and spend more time together. After five days straight of being together, the last night of my trip arrived, and I was sadly packing to return to my life Stateside. That was when he turned to me and said, I want to ask you a question but Im afraid to ask it, and I responded, If youre going to ask what I think youre going to ask, then ask it because Im going to say yes but I need to hear you ask it, and so he asked, Will you move here? and I instantly said, Yes! We were elated, we were falling in love, and we didnt doubt for one second that we could have found our beshert at a bar one week ago. I moved to Israel just three weeks later, and we began our lives together.

I had seen enough of my contemporaries in the midst of marriages to know that life is not perfect. People fight. Ive always said that those who dont fight have more problems than those that do because they most likely arent being honest and are not communicating. So when my boyfriend and I began fighting, I thought, We are a passionate couple who loves hard and fights hard, and as long as we are happier more of the time than we arent then we are winning in this game of love. I even did the math: Our fights would last a few days and would occur, at the time, once a month. So three days of fighting every thirty days meant that 90 percent of the time, we were happy. When the frequency of fights increased to twice a month, the percentage dropped to 80 percent, but that still meant we were happy the majority of the time. And I made myself believe that was enough.

The thing was, it was the type of fighting and the subject of the fighting and the source of the fighting and the lack of productiveness and respect within the fighting that was making it feel like during that 20 percent of the month, we had a virus seeping into our lives. We persevered through the fighting and relied on both the initial connection that brought us together and the life we were building together. Ten months after we met, we got engaged and planned a move back to the States, starting with a wedding in my hometown. The fighting was still there, though. It lingered and darkened what should have been one of the happiest and most exciting times in our lives. My train of thought was, Not if, but when, we get through this, we will be a stronger couple and everything will settle down soon. We moved to California three months later, got married two months after that, and I was sure that all the fighting would miraculously disappear.

But that doesnt happen. There is no magic potion. Marriage takes a lot of work to, well, make it work. And I now know I dont want a marriage that just works. I want to have mutual love and respect and to have fun and most important to have a strong foundation with my partner so when tough circumstances arise we can get through them together. With marriage, the only hard work should be the effort going toward ensuring you make time for romance and a healthy sex life when life gets in the way; it should not be the actual getting along part. The thing is, you know if you get along or not long before you get married.

As logical as this seems, there are many barriers that can keep us from recognizing a relationship that is just not working. I can say that for me, along with my high hopes, there was also some ego that got in the way of leaving what I now know was an unhealthy relationship. After three years of marriage and giving birth to one amazing child, I am now divorced. But I dont have regrets. In fact, I feel even more qualified to write a book on dating because Ive made my share of mistakes, I learned from them, and I grew as a person, a mother, a woman, and a dating expert. Its not just my divorce that lends me a greater breadth of knowledge but also the dating life Ive led along the way, both pre- and postdivorce.