Tamar Tremaine - Salty Flames: Tales of Modern Dating Fails

Salty Flames
Tamar Tremaine

Copyright 2021 by Tamar Tremaine. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For permissions requests, please contact the author at saltyflamesthebook@gmail.com.
Designed, produced, and published by SPARK Publications

Published by SPARKpublications.com
Charlotte, North Carolina

Cover illustrations by Tamar Tremaine and SPARK Publications.
Interior illustrations by Tamar Tremaine.

Marbled texture by BlurryMe / Shutterstock.com

First Edition E-book, August, 2021, ISBN: 978-0-578-89399-0
First Edition Paperback, September, 2021, ISBN: 978-1-953-55510-6
First Edition Hardcover, September, 2021, ISBN: 978-1-953-55511-3
Library of Congress Control Number: 2021913635

Disclaimer

This book is a work of creative nonfiction based on true events. It reflects the authors present recollections of experiences over time. Memories can be imperfect and fade over time. Names and characteristics have been changed, events have been compressed, and dialogue has been recreated. In a few instances, two stories have been compressed into one. The illustrations are based on real people. Characteristics have been changed, and characters have been shuffled around to help protect the identities of those in the stories. Real people on whom the characters depicted herein are based may have memories conflicting with the authors recollections. This book was not intended to cause harm to any real person. This book is intended to inspire readers to keep trying, and no harm or embarrassment is directed or implied to those that simply were not a fit for the author.

Me (Tamar Tremaine)

A little a bout me:

Im a successful architect who lives in the big city. You can typically find me in black leggings with a fitted shirt and fancy sneakers, trying to show off my body without showing off my body. Im not photogenic, so everyone online thinks I look better in person. Or maybe thats part of my strategy?

When Im bored, I go on dates ... a lot of dates. I love meeting people, charming people, and imagining my future life with people. Im optimistic, and I see the best in everyone. Im looking for someone who:

• Challenges m e
• Enhances my life
• Makes me a priority
• Smells good
• Is at least OK in bed
• Makes enough money to support himself
• Is willing to go on adventures with me
• Will let me steal his sweatpants
• Is taller than 55
• Is at least a little attractive
• Is willing to cuddle with me

I think my list of requirements is pretty reasonable, but time and again my expectations prove to be too high. Over the years, the stories Ive shared about my bad dating life have made a lot of people feel better about theirs. I hope to make you feel better too or maybe even inspire you to put yourself out there. Whats the worst that could happen?

Chalk Boy

A rerun of the Keeping Up with the Kardashians premier flicks on the television screen. I switch it off immediately. I have no interest in watching rich kids complain about how hard their lives are. Im halfway through my first year of college. School is a little lonely without my sister, and my best friend has really been there for me. I promised I would go to a party with her, but I have schoolwork to worry about. I need to focus so I can keep my commitment.

Meanwhile, Chalk Boy and his friends are hanging out in a dorm across campus. Theyve had a few too many drinks, and have decided to start a fake revolution. They roam around campus writing Chalk Boy Revolution on every surface in sight. Theres no story behind the revolutionjust a bunch of drunk boys goofing around.

Later, my friend and I leave the party for some fresh air. We see Chalk Boy Revolution graffitied on the Social Sciences building, and think it would be funny to cross out Chalk Boy and change it to Tamar Tremaine. My friend takes a photo of me posing in front of our masterpiece. Later that night, I make the photo my Facebook profile picture. Facebook is this new social networking site that requires you to sign up with a college email address.

A couple of weeks later, Chalk Boy himself adds me as a friend on Facebook. He messages me, Awesome profile picture, haha. I had forgotten about my new picture. Funny that he found me on Facebook so many days later. Hes kind of cute. I dont really have time for dating right now, but I wonder if he finds me attractive.

I message him back. He doesnt respond.

My friend and I start an elaborate inside joke about the future romance between me and Chalk Boy. We get married, buy a house in Texas, and have four kids. We live in a small town, and he uses his campaign experience to successfully run for mayor. It would be pretty crazy to meet my soulmate by crossing out his chalk art and posting it online. He never responds to my Facebook message, and eventually the joke slips from our memories.

After graduation, I move to Los Angeles for grad school. Chalk Boy messages me on Facebook and says,

Hey dude, how long have you been out here in California? I think I live pretty close by.

We chat back and forth over the next few days and eventually make plans to meet for beers at a bar near his apartment. Dating the famous Chalk Boy is now suddenly a real possibility.

When he arrives, he is flushed with a nervous smile. I take a few easy breaths and look him straight in the eyes. Im not as nervous as I thought I would be. As we make our way to a table, my shoes stick to the floor of the bar, and the air smells a bit like stale beerjust like college days.