Hoehn - You probably shouldnt write that : tips and tricks for creating an online dating profile that doesnt suck

2016 by Lisa Hoehn

Published by Running Press,

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and International Copyright Conventions

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2015954108

E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-5904-9

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

Cover design by Frances J. Soo Ping Chow

Interior design by Mike Rogalski

Edited by Sophia Muthuraj

Typography: Brandon Text

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To my family, a constant reminder that hope is one of the most important things in lifeand that you should never let it go.

And to Liam Hemsworth, because I know that if you ever read my online dating profile, wed be together forever.

CONTENTS

What Youre Going to Get Out of This Bookand Why the Hell Im the One Writing It

I m a serial online daterwhich means Ive sent and received thousands of messages, corresponded with hundreds upon hundreds of men, and been on (without exaggeration) at least one-hundred first dates. Ive fallen in love, fallen in like, and fallen flat on my face. (Literally. Didnt get a second date out of that one.)

But I wasnt always so cavalier about online dating. In fact, when I first moved to New York City fresh out of college, I had landed my dream job working in editorial at a big womens magazine and was working seventy-plus-hour weeks, seeing hardly anything besides my cubicle walls and crappy apartment, and had resigned myself to being in a relationship with work. It took a solid year before the ever-increasing pangs of lonelinessand the realization that the only men who had asked me out were my office doorman and the chubby bartender with bad teeth downstairsforced me to consider turning to the Web. Even then, I was too chicken shit to follow through.

Thats when my younger sister visited. Sick of hearing me complain about the lonely life of a single woman in the big city (cue sad violin), one evening she fed me a bottle of wine, went to the OkCupid home page, and told me that it was time.

But I dont have any good photos of myself! I told her. What would I even say in my profile? Undaunted by my half-hearted, drunken protests, she set to workand an hour (and another bottle of red) later, I sat on my bed staring at my profile.

I couldnt tell you what that first profile said or even what photos she chose. I can tell you that my then-teenaged sister was far from a writer, and what she created didnt feel like me. I was so intimidated by the idea of writing my own profile that I honestly didnt care. The page was done... and I figured that should be enough to get me out there.

At first it was. My inbox filled up fast (blame it on being a young woman in a big city). And so the dates began.

There was the guy who spent our entire evening talking about hypothetical animal battles (you know, mastodon versus panther, alligator versus elephant, etc.). There was the taxidermist, the clown (who brought his red nose to our date and even put it on), and the guy who claimed to be getting his PhD in philosophy but who actually worked at a pizza shop, just, you know, musing. There was even the man who accidentally spent way-y-y too much time in the womens restroom before realizing his mistake and strolling leisurely over to the mens.

And then there was Jeff. We made plans at the last minute, and he suggested meeting at a wine bar in his neighborhood. I arrived first and was immediately impressed by the venue: small and candlelit, yet cute and unpretentious. When Jeff walked in, I was even more impressed. He looked just like his pictures, but was somehow handsomer in person. Tall, dark hair, a short, well-kept beard, dressed like a man who cared about the clothes he put on... and as he said hello, his voice nearly made me melt into my shoes. Finally, I thought, a date that wont end with the urge to sprint out the door.

We ordered a carafe of wine to share, and conversation flowed effortlessly. We talked about our mutual love for improv comedy, and he made me laugh. As the wine dwindled I assumed we were ready for another round, but when the waiter arrived, Jeff spoke up: Well take the check.

Turning to me, he let out a weak sniffle. I could really use some nose spray, so I should get going, he explained in a newly nasal voice. But I live just around the corner, and I have a bottle of wine in my apartment, if youd care to join me.

It all became clear. Needing nose spray was his move. The charming man with whom I thought I had a connection had one thing in mind: sex. Heaven forbid he entice me to his place with a killer music collection, a cute animal, or the promise of a funny sitcoma fine mist of nasal decongestant, so he thought, should do the trick.

I did sprint out of the bar that night, determined to call it quits with online dating. But as I arrived home, it hit me: my problem wasnt the population of men on OkCupid (well, at least not entirely); my problem was my profile. Not only had it been created by a tipsy teen, but it was also short and sloppyand didnt accurately represent who I was or what I was looking for in a match or relationship. It was no wonder the guys who responded positively to it werent whom I wanted, either.

So I logged back into OkCupid, this time unafraid and determined to write something that felt like me. I spent hours over the next couple weeks writing, rewriting, and tweaking the text and photos, running every change by both my male and female roommates to get feedback. And then one day, I was doneI finally had a profile that I was proud of.

Thats when everything started to get better. Suddenly the messages I was receiving changedinstead of being formulaic (as, I only then realized, they had been before my overhaul), they made references to specific details in my profile. They asked questions that I wanted to answer. Refreshingly, the men on the other end seemed interested in getting to know me as opposed to talking to everything with a vagina and a face.

Which is when it dawned on me that I wasnt the only one who had been going on miserable dates... and therefore, I wasnt the only one who needed help with my virtual dating presence. Everyone did. Which is when it also dawned on me that between my experience with online dating and my background as a writer and journalist, I had the chopsand wanted to be the oneto provide that help.

So, combining my skills and expertise, I started a business, ProfilePolish.com, dedicated to helping people improve their online dating profiles. Now I help beleaguered online daters around the globe polish their profiles, gain confidence, and generally up their online dating game every single day.