Kelly Bare - The F Word: A Fiancee Shares Her Story, From I Will To I Do
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- Book:The F Word: A Fiancee Shares Her Story, From I Will To I Do
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Cancel your subscription to that bridal magazine! The F Word is the perfect marriage of personal insight and original advice youll actually use. Hilary Black, Editor in Chief, Tango Magazine
With humor and warmth, Kelly Bares book helps couples bypass the pressures of planning a wedding without sacrificing the romance. Susan Piver Author, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do.
He Asked! You Said Yes! So. . .Now What?
The moment you get engaged is one youll never forget, as you begin your journey on an obstacle-free path to decades of wedded bliss. Right? Not necessarily. That one little question can spawn a one of big questions. Kelly Bare has been there. In The F Word, she shares first hand experiences of navigating the premarital minefield, providing reassuring and helpful information that will help you worry less about what a bride is supposed to be, and more about who you really are:
How fighting can be good for you
Why everyone in your familyand hisis acting like a lunatic
Why etiquette truly is important
Whenand howto arrange a meet the parents get-together
Alternatives to cringe-worthy bachelorette parties
The real scoop on how to register for gifts
How to let go of perfection and plan a wedding thats really you
Why marriage education classes could be the best investment you ever make
Whether youre recently engaged, planning your wedding or preparing to take your relationship to a new level, The F Word will help you get from I Will to I Do with your relationshipand your sanityintact.
A poignant, candid memoir. Brides-to-be will find a true friend here with Kelly Bare. Rachel Greenwald, author of the New York Times Bestseller Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School.
Kelly Bare is a writer and editor in New York City.
With humor and warmth, Kelly Bares book helps couples bypass the pressures of planning a wedding without sacrificing the romance. Susan Piver Author, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do.
He Asked! You Said Yes! So. . .Now What?
The moment you get engaged is one youll never forget, as you begin your journey on an obstacle-free path to decades of wedded bliss. Right? Not necessarily. That one little question can spawn a one of big questions. Kelly Bare has been there. In The F Word, she shares first hand experiences of navigating the premarital minefield, providing reassuring and helpful information that will help you worry less about what a bride is supposed to be, and more about who you really are:
How fighting can be good for you
Why everyone in your familyand hisis acting like a lunatic
Why etiquette truly is important
Whenand howto arrange a meet the parents get-together
Alternatives to cringe-worthy bachelorette parties
The real scoop on how to register for gifts
How to let go of perfection and plan a wedding thats really you
Why marriage education classes could be the best investment you ever make
Whether youre recently engaged, planning your wedding or preparing to take your relationship to a new level, The F Word will help you get from I Will to I Do with your relationshipand your sanityintact.
A poignant, candid memoir. Brides-to-be will find a true friend here with Kelly Bare. Rachel Greenwald, author of the New York Times Bestseller Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School.
Kelly Bare is a writer and editor in New York City.
Kelly Bare: author's other books
Who wrote The F Word: A Fiancee Shares Her Story, From I Will To I Do? Find out the surname, the name of the author of the book and a list of all author's works by series.
Cathy Howes
Kelly Bare
Kelly Smith
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Table of Contents
Acknowledgments
M Y THANKS GO OUT to Danielle Chiotti, for seeing the book inside the melodrama; Elise OShaughnessy, for being brilliant, tireless, and almost always right; Diane Sollee, for selling me on marriage education and giving sound advice; Jason Schulte and everyone at office design for creating a stunning cover; Marnie Hanel and Savannah Ashour and the rest of the Tango team for convincingly feigning interest in the details of my wedding planning; Nancy and Larry Bare, for their unswerving support, even around blind corners; Marvin Cohen, for loving his son (and the rest of his family) enough to sit me down and grill me about what exactly I thought I was doing by writing this book, and for loving me enough to give me his blessing, anyway; Lynn Cohen, for treating me like a daughter from the word go; all my beautiful bridesmaids (Katie Finch, Allison French, Joanne Hsieh, Joyce Macek, Meredith McDonough, Mary Morrison, and Sara Otepka) for keeping me sane, and in stitches; Brad Bare, Brian Cohen, and Lauren Larsen, for their varsity-level cheerleading; and, of course, to Jonathan Cohen, whose optimism and faith got us here, for trusting me, and for delighting me every single day. I love you.
Authors Note
T HIS IS A BOOK ABOUT what it feels like to get married, written from a unique perspective: Because I was an editor at a relationship magazine, thinking about this stuff was my full-time job, as well as what I came home to at night, and I had access to all kinds of resources that most brides dont.
You could say it was the perfect wedding storm.
Youll notice that it is mostly about me, me, me; its really memoir as advice. But to quote Henry David Thoreau, in his introduction to Walden , I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.
It is not a tell-all, though. Im sure it would help sales to call it that The F Word: A Fiance Tells All! but I believe in truth in advertising. And Im nowhere near ready to dish about everything that happened, or went through my head, when I was engaged. Instead, I give you almost everything that was within my comprehension at the time, and most things I was able to put into perspective shortly after the wedding. (It will take years to process all of it, Im sure.)
I cant promise that every chapter will resonate with you. And you surely will have, or have had, experiences outside the scope of this book. But if it has you nodding your head in recognition here and there, and feeling a bit less isolated, Im happy. I had more moments of feeling completely overwhelmed and inadequate while I was engaged than during any other period of my life, and it always seemed like other brides were more levelheaded and serene than I. If I can prevent even one woman from feeling as I did, this book has done its job.
I learned that being a fiance is a singular moment. Its a favored status; life lived at a slightly higher pitch. And it comes with a lot more responsibilities, heartache, and pressure than most people acknowledge. Theres pressure to get engaged in the first place. Theres pressure to plan a perfect weddingwhich, by the way, doesnt existand theres pressure to look, and feel, perfect in the process.
But weve been set up to fail. You, my pretty bride-to-be, have a bulls-eye on your forehead. A multibillion-dollar industry has you in their sights, and just at a time when youre at your most vulnerable: going through a seismic identity shift, dealing with decades worth of hopes and dreams centered on one day, trying to accommodate other peoples (your fiancs, your familys, his familys) identity shifts and hopes and dreams, and undertaking what likely will be the biggest planning project of your life. All at the same time.
Another thing I learned is that a lot of the traditional bridal flurry is misdirected. While the wedding can seem like the endgame, its better for the two of you, and your relationship, to look at it as a momentary, though special, stop on the journey that began the moment you said I will, and will continue long after that.
So now that youre engaged, sure, dive into the planning. Go visit reception venues. Try on a few dresses. Get in the tub with a glass of wine and a stack of wedding magazines, and savor them. But bring this book along, too. Think of it as a palate cleanser, which dares to go where advertising-supported womens magazines, intent on preserving the glossy myth of the happiest, most romantic time of your life, often fear to tread. Also consider it a safety zone, where you may obsess over the smallest detail of your engagement, wedding, or marriage-to-be in the quiet company of someone else whos been there.
Very early in our engagement, our friend Lauren hesitated when introducing me to someone as Jonathans fiance. Im not sure how you feel about that word, she said. She was right to be cautious: At the time, I was very ambivalent about the F word. Slowly, though, I warmed up to it. I picked many fights with our wedding-obsessed culturebut I chose my battles carefully. And there were many times, far more than I expected at the outset, when I wouldnt have dreamed of resisting tradition.
Ultimately, Ive come to think of this book as the story of (in a nod to Dr. Strangelove) how I stopped worrying and learned to love my wedding.
I hope you love yours, too.
A Fiances Reading List
Here are a few books that enlightened me, entertained me, or both while I was engaged, and writing about it.
Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love , Helen Fisher.
Fascinating. Gives a scientific and evolutionary basis for why we act the way we do.
The Year of Magical Thinking , Joan Didion
Gut-wrenching and beautifully written.
The Glass Castle , Jeannette Walls
Makes your family problems seem miniscule. A fascinating portrait of a very unconventional marriage, and family.
Emotionally Engaged: A Brides Guide to Surviving the Happiest Time of Her Life , Allison Moir-Smith
A lifesaver. Helps you put all your crazy engagement emotions in context, and shows why its vital to embrace them, rather than trying to shut them off.
The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched, Sheryl Paul
The tone is a little new-agey, but the information in it is very good.
Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce , Elizabeth Marquardt
Eye-opening.
The Other Boleyn Girl, Philippa Gregory
The perfect novel to read while planning a wedding. Its deliciousand it makes you feel very lucky to be marrying for love.
Wedding Zen: Calming Wisdom for the Bride, Susan Elia Macneal A little trinket that I got as a gifta fun read that reminded me to breathe.
Hendersons House Rules: The Official Guide to Replacing the Toilet Paper and Other Domestic Topics of Great Dispute, E. L. Henderson and David E. OConnor
A helpful authority.
Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique , Jaclyn Geller
A glorious rant. I bought and read this years ago, when I first began to suspect that women were a little too in love with weddings, and Ive referred to it often over the past year.
Brides, Inc.: American Weddings and the Business of Tradition , Vicki Howard
I interviewed Howard for a Tango article about wedding rings. Her scholarship is impressive. Theres a lot of stuff in here that will really surprise you.
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