Nick Krautter - Change Your Own Diaper: A Bachelor with No Kids Explains How to Be a Parent without Screwing Up

Change Your Own Diaper

2022 by Nick Krautter

All rights reserved. Published by Real Estate Business Press. No part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Line editing, proofreading, cover design, and interior book design provided by Indigo: Editing, Design, and More:

• Line editor: Kristen Hall-Geisler
• Proofreaders: Sarah Currin and Bailey Potter
• Book designer: Vinnie Kinsella

www.indigoediting.com

ISBN: 978-0-9968146-4-5

eISBN: 978-0-9968146-5-2

This book is dedicated to my parents, who managed to raise me and my little brother into well-adapted and successful adults. This is despite the fact that we moved into a tent in the middle of the woods filled with wild animals for a summer before they made us help build a house (possibly violating child labor laws). We were also tricked into getting good grades and playing sports every single season. On the plus side, we got to have BB gun fights, build unpermitted tree houses, and camp and fish in the wilds of Northern California.

This is not a real book.

Well, the book itself is a real book, but all the advice in it is completely made up and has no scientific merit whatsoever. This book is a satire, so for gods sake, please dont actually do anything it recommends. If you are offended by anything in the book, please call all local media outlets and city councils and make sure to get the book banned in your area.

I know that each of your kids is special and wonderful, but lets be honest: One of them is clearly smarter and loves to follow the rules and get your approval. You started looking into trade schools for one of your kids around third grade. Then theres the kid who never listens and has been throwing a sixteen-year-long tantrum. You cant give each kid the same time and attention, so heres how to #PickAFavorite.

Step 1: Give your kids chores.

Step 2: Whoever gets the chores done is your favorite.

Helpful Hints! Kids are expensive, so see if the neighbors have chores and charge $10 an hour per kid under the table.

Step 1: Give your kids an allowance.

Step 2: Track who saves the most money.

Step 3: The kid who saves the most will be the most likely to care for you in old age, so they are your favorite.

Helpful Hints! Give your kids a big enough allowance to cover their clothes and let them shop on their own. Think of all the time youll save!

Step 1: Create a series of physical and mental challenges.

Step 2: Take the top two kids from Step 1 and give them each $100,000.

Step 3: See who uses the $100,000 best to win political favor and positive PR for one of your ventures. This kid will be the most likely to take over your empire.

Helpful Hints! Use the margin account at your brokerage to borrow the $200,000 at below retail interest.

Y ou are about to buy a ton of stuff you never thought youd own, and that includes a crib. A crib is a #BabyPrison that will give allow you a couple hours of peace. Like many complicated household projects, building a crib can sometimes lead to divorce. Heres how to defend your union and keep the peace while you build a crib.

Step 1: Let her pick out the crib.

Step 2: Assemble it in the garage.

Step 3: Redo it since you didnt read the directions.

Helpful Hints! Make sure you hide enough beer in the garage.

Step 1: Have your assistant send your wife some options and schedule home assembly.

Step 2: Add the crib-building date to your shared calendar.

Step 3: Post some pics to your socials and celebrate the milestone with a nice chardonnay.

Helpful Hints! Chill the wine two hours before your date. Make sure to be supportive and present.

Step 1: Acknowledge that your furniture is a reflection of your character and values.

Step 2: Pick a style that fits your babys identity.

Step 3: Choose a sustainably harvested exotic hardwood.

Helpful Hints! Have your attorney trademark your new crib design. Have your PR rep get you a feature in Fine Woodworking.

T hey say that 90 percent of success is showing up, but lets be honest: most kids are losers, and we all know it. When you take part in a sport or competition, there are winners and losers. In many competitions there are the top three places and then everyone else. At some point someone decided that everyone gets a trophy. Heres how to pretend your kid won when they didnt or explain to your awesome winner kid why everyone is getting the same trophy even though they are clearly the MVP. Its not fair, but #EveryoneGetsATrophy.

Step 1: First-, second-, and third-place trophies go on the mantel.

Step 2: Participation trophies go in a box in the garage.

Helpful Hints! Explain to your kid that life isnt fair, and if you dont win, you didnt win, and the only prize is more practice.

Step 1: Remember that your kid is in a sport this season.

Step 2: Talk about the importance of third-grade soccer to the development of a winners attitude.

Helpful Hints! All trophies are celebrated, and the prize is soccer camp later this season.

Step 1: Have your assistant find the best coach for each sport.

Step 2: Take time to ensure your kid knows that winning is the only thing that matters.

Step 3: Consult with your family doctor and attorney on the pros and cons of teen steroid use.

Helpful Hints! Have your family therapist tell your kid that participation trophies are symbols of a lack of preparation and the desire to win.

A nyone who believes theres no such thing as stupid questions probably hasnt managed a discount retail store. There are tons of stupid questions in life such as: Why am I here? Is there a god? What is my purpose? How do I cancel this charge for a T-shirt I accidentally scanned twice? Etc., etc., etc. You dont want people to laugh at your kid, so heres my guide to avoiding #StupidQuestions.

Step 1: Have your kid help you replace a broken ceiling fan.