Johanna Sparrow - Dismissive Avoidant in Love: How Understanding the Four Main Styles of Attachment Can Impact Your Relationship

Dismissive-Avoidant in Love

Dismissive-Avoidant inLove 2018 Johanna Sparrow

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You come across this person more thanyoud like to, yet something about them draws you in every time.What that is, you havent a clue. Not yet, that is.

You see yourself as someone who hastheir head on straight. Youre a pretty good judge of character,based on your past relationships, and you definitely dont jumpinto a new relationship solely for the sake of having someone.Youre far from being confident, maybe even a little reserved, andyou experience mixed emotions once someone really gets to know you.And you still act as if you arent interested in finding a lifepartner.

Sure, that may work for some, but Iknow who you are. I know you dont like anyone getting too close toyou or having insight to your feelings, no matter who they are.Sometimes, you have a sharp tongue that makes you seemcold-hearted, but when youre in the moment, your calm, cooldemeanor draws your partner in every time.

You dont want to get hurt byfoolishly loving someone who isnt willing to understand you, soyou switch up your attitude like the weather. One minute yourehot, the next ice cold and not giving your partner a second look.Which one they get depends on how you feel or what signals theyresending you. If they want you as they say they do, they have to gettheir heads out of the clouds and meet you head on. Youre notgoing to babysit another grown person thats in his or herfeelings, and its best your partner knows that you have atake-it-or-leave-it attitude.

You know that anyone would love tohave you as a partneryoure sweet, loving, and a natural nurturer,but once you have someone in your web, theyre trapped, and theresno way in hell theyd ever want to leave you, no matter how thickthe smoke screens they put up or how many arguments you have. Youknow who you are. Youre just too damn good to them when you wantto be, but for your partner, could it be all lies?

Its that on-and-off switch that takesyour relationship from 100 to 0 real quick. This kind of behavioryou exhibit, also makes your partner question his or her place inthe relationship. Do you love me or not? Do you want to stay inthis relationship or not? Can you show how much you care? Why me?If you manage to answer one or two of their questions, thats allthey will get because you hate being put on the spot or forced toshow more emotion than you have to. Maybe your partnersinsecurities are on display more with someone like you. If theywant to leave, youre willing to help them pack, and you refuse togive in or show feelings. You dont care how others feel, not evenyour partner. At times, your feelings are heavily guarded like FortKnox, and your partner knows this.

One minute youre moving closer tothem, and the next youve taken a giant backward leap, making yourpartner work harder to prove their love to you. Why sodisconnected? What will it take to get you to say more, show more,and do more in your relationship? The biggest question of them allis, why are you in a relationship to begin with? So often, you areemotionally unavailable. Its no wonder your relationships fallapart. Could it be that you dont know what you reallywant?

This was the conversation a woman hadwith herself in the mirror. I cant ever seem to get this datingthing right, she says. Never one for playing the role of the foolfor anyone. Nope, the safest place for me is to stay woke. I ammuch too smart to play the role of fool in any relationship, so Ican take it or leave it. Hurt and pain will not be part of my lifeif I have any control over it, so I dont care what my partnerthinks or feels, if he wants to leave me, bye. I can be everythingin a relationship, except a fool.

In fact, Ive met someonethat I see as special. Ill sit back and watch him. I dont needhis money or anything else to make me feel good. As I was leavingthe club with my friends, he stopped me in my tracks and asked myname. Im not one for just telling folks my name if I dont knowwho they are, but something about him was different, and it made mefeel like sharing my name was worth it. Feeling bold, I wrote myname and number on a piece of paper, and while handing it to him,he said, my name is Dismissive-Avoidant, by the way, beforewalking off.

He will call, or he wont. Its assimple as that. The truth is, dismissive avoidant is one of fourattachment styles that kills a relationship before it begins.Fearful of getting hurt, a person with the dismissive-avoidantattachment style is independent and has no trouble making you laston their list. Even if they care about you, you wont know forsure.

The fuss behind the attachment stylesas it relates to adult relationships, goes back to childhood andhow you viewed the people close to you and how you formedattachments during that period. If your needs werent met by yourparents when you were a child and you sought their attention,chances are that you do the same thing in your adult relationships.This attachment style is a mixed bag of emotions that wont allowyou to be hurt and causes you to go out of your way to draw firstblood if you have to.

After learning so much aboutattachment styles from family and friends and from within my ownrelationship, it was only fitting for me to share my perspective onthe four attachment styles so that you can better understand yourrelationship and your partners needs.

You have done a little research onyour relationship and your partners behavior. Things just dontmake sense, and youre not sure if staying will make things better.Leaving and walking away is definitely on your mind day and night.You want love and lots of it, but your partner seems to not careabout your needs or give a damn about your feelings. Its all abouttheir independence, and you feel more like an ornament hangingaround until he or she needs you.

Why people choose this type ofattachment when they know that they want so much more in terms oflove and closeness, is impossible to understand. Seeing yourselfwith someone new seems like a wonderful idea, but you dont want toabandon your partner even though thats how youve been feeling forsome time. Ask yourself what you want? Can this person trulydeliver what you need? Anxious for answers and desperately needingto know if your relationship is working out, you decide tostay.

Many times, the other three attachmentstyles struggle to understand their dismissive-avoidant partner,and thats because this person has removed their feelings from therelationship because they feel that they may get hurt. They have alot to offer but struggle giving their partners what they want interms of intimacy, love, assurance because they always feel aloneand know that they can only depend on themselves for truehappiness.

The dismissive avoidant is the hardestto love out of the four attachment styles because they see love aspain and happiness as tears. Getting through to this persons heartwill take time, but then again, they may never fully let you in,especially if youve hurt them in the past, or worse, detached fromthem in an effort to move on with someone else. You will never getthe chance to hurt them again.

If youre with someone thatexemplifies this attachment style and you find that your needsarent being met, it may be time to seek family counseling. Itisnt going to get any better. Your partner is too guarded to seeyou or let you in. And if you have begun to send them the samesignals when that isnt who you are, youve only worsened thingsand made it more difficult for your partner to let their guard downand love you.