Tim Clinton - Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do

Attachments

WHY YOU LOVE, FEEL,
AND ACT THE WAY YOU DO

Attachments

WHY YOU LOVE, FEEL,
AND ACT THE WAY YOU DO

DR. TIM CLINTON
& DR. GARY SIBCY

Copyright 2002 by Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy.

Published by Integrity Publishers, a division of Integrity Media, Inc., 5250 Virginia Way, Suite 110, Brentwood, TN 37027.

HELPING PEOPLE WORLDWIDE EXPERIENCE the MANIFEST PRESENCE of GOD.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations used in this book are from the Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Other Scripture references are from the following sources:

The King James Version of the Bible (KJV).

The New King James Version (NKJV), copyright 1979, 1980, 1982, 1992, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publisher.

Names and details in the case studies and anecdotes included in this volume have been changed to protect the identities of those involved. Some examples are composites of actual cases.

Published in association with Yates and Yates, Orange County, California.

Cover Design: David Uttley

Interior Design: Inside Out Design & Typesetting

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Clinton, Timothy E., 1960
Attachments: why you love, feel, and act the way you do / by Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy.
p.cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 1-59145-026-8
1. Interpersonal relationsReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Sibcy, Gary.
II. Title.
BV4597.52 .C55 2002
158.2dc21

2002027370

Printed in the United States of America

02 03 04 05 06 BVG 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Dedication

Tim: To the ones for whom my love and attachment know no bounds: Julie and our childrenMegan and Zachary. You bring such joy to my life.

And to my greater family, both the Clintons and the Rothmanns.

Gary: To Lory and our children, Jacob and Jordan, the family I love most deeply, and to my father, Gary Sibcy Sr., with love and respect.

Contents

Foreword: The Secret to Loving and Being Loved
by Stormie Omartian

1. The Heart of the Matter: Attachments in Everyday Living
Why We Love, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

2. Shaping Our View of Ourselves and Those We Hold Dearest
Attachment Principles and Dynamics

3. Soul Wounds
How Attachment Injuries Occur

4. The Hardened Heart
The Avoidant Attachment Style

5. Dont Abandon Me!
The Ambivalent Attachment Style

6. The Grass Is Always Dead on Both Sides of the Fence
The Disorganized Attachment Style

7. Equipped to Face Challenges and Take Risks
The Secure Attachment Style

PART II: UNLOCKING THE SECRETS
TO LOVING AND LASTING RELATIONSHIPS

8. God and You
Embracing the Relationship That Transcends All Others with George Ohlschlager

9. Taming Emotional Storms
Conquering Depression, Anxiety, Anger, and Grief

10. Love, Sex, and Marriage
Working out Our Most Intimate Relationship
with Sharon Hart Morris, Ph.D.

11. Attachment-Based Parenting
How to Be a Sensitive, Secure Parent to Your Children

12. Breaking Free!
An Attachment Prescription for Changes That Heal

FOREWORD
The Secret to Loving and Being Loved

I know what it is like to feel unloved and have no emotional connection or attachment to the people who are supposed to be the most important ones in your life. Thats because I spent a significant portion of my early childhood locked in a closet by my mentally ill mother. My dad was gone a lot, and when he was home he was exhausted and barely there.

Because of the condition of my primary relationships, I never felt loved or attached in any relationship. At least not until I received the Lord. Then I started reading the Bible and learning about God and His ways. I came to see that He is a God who loves us more than we can imagine. I was amazed to learn that He loves even me. And although I had always lived with fear, depression, loneliness, and anxiety, Gods love was powerful enough to penetrate my brokenness and take all those negative emotions away. Gods love made me into a whole person.

Through all that, I learned that we will never be able to find any degree of wholeness in our lives without love. It is the air that keeps us breathing. We have to be able to take it in, and we have to know how to give it out as well. Thats what this book will help you to do. How I wish that back in those early years I had had a book like Attachments to help me understand the secret to loving and being loved.

If you have come out of a painful, damaging, or traumatic past; if you have experienced too many empty, broken, or unfulfilling relationships; if you are tired of feeling unloved, disconnected, or lonely; then you are going to love reading this book. It will connect you with the true Lover of your soul. It will help you experience the love and closeness you want to feel. It will teach you how to find loving, fulfilling, rich, and satisfying relationships. Reading this book will be a refreshing, encouraging, enlightening, comforting, and life-transforming experience. There is healing within its hope-filled pages. Who in the world doesnt need that?

Stormie Omartian

I
RELATIONSHIPS
ARE
EVERYTHING

1
THE HEART OF THE MATTER:
ATTACHMENTS IN EVERYDAY LIVING
Why We Love, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

Anyone who goes too far alone... goes mad.

JEWISH PROVERB

I ts not good.

Whats not good?

His being alone. Look at him, wandering around the Garden of Eden by himself.

God saw that it wasnt good for man to be alone. So He caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and He gave him someone he could relate to, someone who would share the glories of earth with hima woman, Eve. And later He would give Adam and Eve more humans to relate tochildren.

Its clear, right from the beginning of the Bible, that God created us to be attached to others. But maintaining and nurturing those attachments, those relationshipsah, thats the tricky thing.

Relationships start out easilyand sometimes wonderfully. God hardwired us that way right from the beginning, right in the Garden. We were made for intimacy with Him, and according to the opening passages of Genesis, intimacy with each other. Have you ever wondered how Adam felt the first time he saw Eve? The first time he held her, kissed her, made love to her? The Bible says and they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25 NKJV). Free... loved... intimate... one flesh... For a while, it was perfect.

But you dont have to read far in the Bible to realize that even in paradise things can go wrong. Evil lurks, tempts. Eve bites the apple. Adam caves in. Soon theyre blaming each otherand this is before their children arrive on the scene, entangling them in an entirely different set of relationship problems.

Isnt that our way? Our relationships start out so beautifully, and the next thing we know were hurting or being hurt by those around us, especially the ones we love the most. Why does this happen? How can we prevent it from happening? And how can we repair the relationship once it has been damaged by this breach of trust?