Colin Sokolowski - The Accidental Adult. Essays and Advice for the Reluctantly Responsible and Marginally Mature

title page

The Accidental Adult

Essays and advice for the reluctantly responsible and marginally mature

colin sokolowski

Avon, Massachusetts

copyright page

Copyright 2010 by Colin Sokolowski

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any

form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are

made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-60550-626-5

ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-626-5

eISBN 10: 1-4405-0717-1

eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0717-5

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

dedication page

Dedicated to two saints:

My father, the late Neil Sokolowski,

the greatest man Ill ever know;

and Jude, the patron of the impossible.

contents

The Accidental Adult

An Off-ramp on the Road to Adulthood

The Ultimate Role-playing Game

This Is What You Call a Mixtape

Keeping Your Poise n the Hood

WTF? (Why Three Forks?)

Do as I Say, Definitely Not as I Do

SUVs and MinivansIts How We Roll

Feeling Like a Tool

Caring So Little about So Much

Putting the Beer in Beer League

Adult Entertainment (Not That Kind!)

Checking In with Your Inner Child

Lets Stick Together

acknowledgments

Adultlike gratitude goes to a triumvirate without whom this book might likely remain forever imprisoned on my laptop: Kurt Anderson, Katrina Schroeder, and ber editor (and accidental adult apprentice) Brendan ONeill. Your generosity and support will forever be appreciated. A cadre of super-talented authors held my hand along the way: Marya Hornbacher, Dan Zevin, Marc Parent, Kevin Revolinski, Alden Carter, and Dan Verdick. For their creative support and professional advice, appreciation goes to Katie Kelly Landberg, Jessica Hall Burns, Greg Helgeson, Carol Guensburg, Gordon Sumner, Ross Bernstein, Margo LaPanta, Pete Fabian, Sasha Aslanian, Lisa Gannaway, David Stillman, Mykl Roventine, my friends at The Loft Literary Center, my Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa, Wonder Dave, and Kierans Irish Pub. Thanks go to my earliest team of reviewers: Mary and Eric Snustad, Kim and Mark Sacay, Donna and David Vanneste, Yachiyo and Rick Erickson, Lynda and Tom Savard, Molly Cave, and Emily Hawkins. For believing I could do this someday, I especially thank Brian Louis, Keri Kalfahs Pollock, Chuck and Sandi Shanle, Stacie Cronberg Lewis, Carlee Drummer, and Paula Kringle. Full-frontal hugs to my brothers James Cave, Steve Crosby, Patrick Dempsey, Chuck Hawkins, Matt Potter, Chris Stohl, Brian Strub, Tim Teuber, and the late, great Jeff Rhody. Special family love and thanks to mom Carolyn Jo, sister Megan, and brother Ryan for helping your baby boy kind of grow up and for always believing in me and humoring me; to Shanley, Finnegan, and Maeve for assuming I know what Im doing and for teaching me that tranquility is overrated; and to Kelly for letting me turn around your Claddagh ring back in college and for joining me on this journey ever since. All my love.

introduction

The Accidental Adult

Its not that I am afraid of getting old. I just want to get old in a certain way.

Sting

Some of us never planned on this happening. But it did. Sometime between grad school and our first mortgage, strangely, our youthful mojo was replaced with a newfound maturity. And we didnt see it coming.

Our two-door coupes morphed into sliding-door minivans. Bar hopping turned into movie nights on the couch. Late-night hookups with babes became early morning feedings with babies. And golf? Its not funny to suck anymore. For me, the transformation played out a little bit like this:

Aging college buddy, slurring into the phone: Its a kegger, Colin! You have to drive up.

Lame excuse: You know Id love to, but gas prices are getting steep. And where am I going to sleep?

Getting panicky over a party? When did I start caring if Id crash on a couch or pass out on the floor? Such trivial concerns never used to bother me. Hell, I was the guy whod never miss a party or diss his friends. Now I was doing both of those things. (And still using the word diss.) Who am I becoming? I wondered. Wheres that carpe diem spirit?

Ill tell you who Ive become. Despite my best intentions to remain forever juvenile, Ive instead grown reluctantly responsible and marginally mature. My lifes biggest shocker? Ive become an accidental adult. And I know Im not alone.

Defining Our Terms

accidental adult (n.): An individual whose age indicates maturity but whose approach to life suggests otherwise.

What exactly makes someone an accidental adult? Its largely a matter of resistance. For most well-adjusted people, growing up isnt an unwelcome surprise. Many accept the inevitability of adulthood and embrace it. They resign themselves to lives of responsibility, serious endeavors, and a sensible wardrobe. They check their smoke alarm batteries twice a year. They know what kind of gas mileage their cars get. Some can even name their city councilperson.

But some of us join the world of adults kicking and screaming. Yes, technically we are adults. But more importantly, we are reluctant grownups who refuse to accept were just like every other chump with credit card debt and an aching lower back. When we look in the mirror, the person we see staring back is decades younger and way cooler. We may spend an hour researching the best place to meet for a happy houryou know, someplace not too noisy, with adequate restroom facilities, convenient parking, and a menu that accommodates our newly acquired shellfish allergy or gluten intolerance. But the point is, we still go, while many other adults hurry home to finish that drop ceiling in the new rec room. Are they conscientious? Absolutely. Fun? You tell me.

Life as an accidental adult may not be what we planned, but its far more exciting than the existence of an everyday, garden-variety intentional adult. And it has many advantages. Friends dont call me to help them hang Sheetrock. Im the one they call to answer late-night music trivia questions. No heavy lifting there. If a colleague needs a ride to work, I probably cant offer him a lift. My excuse? In good weather, I often commute on my 1986 motor scooter. And when the backyard parties start, no one expects me to build the best bonfire in the cul-de-sac. Guys like me hand a few sticks to the alpha males and then stand back at a safe distance chatting with the cute young wives while their inattentive husbands debate the ideal tinder assembly. Have at it guys. Some more wine, ladies?